


Midnight Blue

by aya_k (koyame0719)



Category: Love Mode
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:53:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 65,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27416824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koyame0719/pseuds/aya_k
Summary: "After all, wasn't it because Takamiya had to meet him on that day.. that two lives were lost, and another two were torn apart?"A twist of fate dramatically alters the lives of Sakashita Izumi and Aoe Reiji.:: Written by and translated into English by Ninkisakka (kyudo19) ::
Relationships: Aoe Kiichi/Kashima Haruomi, Aoe Reiji/Sakashita Izumi, Aoe Reiji/Shirakawa Naoya, Sakashita Izumi/Takamiya Katsura
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Uploader's notes:
> 
>  **12/2/2020:** Edited for punctuation and general spelling and grammatical errors
> 
> This story is written by Ninkisakka (aka kyudo19) in their native language (Thai) and translated into English. The English translation was originally posted to Love_Mode LiveJournal community back in 2005.
> 
> I've made attempts to contact the writer letting them know I planned to have this legendary Love Mode story archived on AO3. Unfortunately, they haven't replied to my messages or emails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka.

  
  
  


"Aoe-san..."

Someone tried to wake him up gently. Reiji smiled to where the voice came from although his eyes were still closed. It was Sunday morning. What would be better than staying in bed with his beloved one?

"Aoe-san..."

His name was called again. This time Reiji turned to the other side of the bed and reached out his hand. But how come this morning Naoya stayed so far away?

And no matter how hard he tried, he only felt the softness of the mattress and pillows, not the warmth of Naoya's delicate body.

"Naoya?"

He murmured and opened his eyes eventually. There, Naoya was smiling at him. Sunlight never looked so soft before but it did when it shone into the boy's tender face.

Reiji would have pulled him down and made him lie on his chest, had Naoya he saw was not just a big portrait hanging on the wall.

Reiji got dressed as usual. Although it was Sunday, he didn't feel like staying home at all. No, he didn't want to walk around in this little room which filled with the bittersweet memories of Naoya.

_It's been three long years since I last heard your voice.._

Naoya's little cat nudged his legs with its warm body and tried to snuggle up close. But all Reiji could do was looking at it sadly. He still found it difficult to pick the little creature up or stroke its head like before.

_You wouldn't know that Naoya's no longer with us, would you?_

Reiji stopped himself there when he felt the past was about to weaken him again. No, he didn't want to be mournful anymore. Life must go on. At least he was fortunate enough to find the love of his life, even if that love stayed with him for only a short period of time.

As Reiji walked out of his apartment and shut the door behind him, the cat jumped up on the couch and lay there happily..  
  
  
  
  
Just as Reiji had expected, someone with a slender yet elegant frame walked into his office. But that did not make him look away from the computer screen when started the conversation.

"What is it? You should spend time with Haruomi on Sunday."

Kiichi walked towards his younger brother's desk and fell silent for a while.

"And you, when will you stop coming to the office and keep working every Sunday?"

Reiji did not reply. He was tired of this kind of question. Why did nobody understand him? He wanted to do as he pleased. It obviously did not hurt anyone.

And when Kiichi stretched his hand to touch Naoya's photograph still placed on his desk, Reiji brushed that delicate hand away rather harshly, as if something precious would about to be stolen from him. But in a second he felt guilty for overreacting and looked at Kiichi to learn the other one's expression. He didn't say sorry, however.

The elder brother sighed gently. He was not offended by what Reiji just did, but he was more concerned. Since the accident took Naoya away, Reiji had turned into a robot and lived like one, no longer a man of flesh and blood. He knew Reiji had encountered so many losses before that his heart must have been broken into a thousand pieces. Still, he needed to let go and continue living. Holding on to the past would only rub his wound and that way his wound would never heal.

"When, Reiji, when will you be your old self again?", Kiichi asked.

"You've never lost before. You'd never understand."

That reply went through the core of Kiichi's heart. His eyes met Reiji's for a while, and Reiji could tell this time he had truly hurt his brother. That look in Kiichi's eyes made him feel so guilty that he had to look away.

It was not fair at all to speak to Kiichi in that manner. In fact, what his brother had experienced since childhood was no less than what he was going through..

"If that opinion of yours makes you happy, I've got nothing against it."

Kiichi said calmly, not even with the slightest hint of sarcasm. Then he walked out of Reiji's office and let his younger brother stay in silence just like before.

Reiji banged his fist against the top of his desk with frustration. Kiichi's brotherly concern always drove him up the wall without a reason lately, and he didn't know why.

He stood up and looked outside. It was raining again, and Reiji couldn't help turning back to where Naoya's photograph was.

_Why did you have to go away from me?_

He wanted to direct that question to Naoya. But it just hurt more and more when he realised Naoya was no longer here to answer.  
  
  
  
  
He stopped in front of the name 'Takamiya Katsura' carved on the stone. A big beautiful bouquet was in his arms, and if someone looked closer they would notice right away that this dark-haired young man had intense sorrow in his eyes.

The man who always embraced him, cared for him, and loved him in every possible way.. was forever gone three years ago.

Those white lilies were laid down carefully beside that stone plate, as tears started to fill the brim of Izumi's eyes.

He tried to wipe those tears away and smile, thinking of what to say to Takamiya. But the memories of Takamiya's tenderness kept coming back to him, and he could not do anything but sobbing again.

_If I could turn back time, I would love you much more than I had. I would tell you I love you every time you wanted to hear it._

_Where are you now, Takamiya-san? Would you miss me at all?_

The spoilt brat who used to shout 'I hate homosexual men', punched, kicked, and picked up a fight with Takamiya at every opportunity he had... now felt he too had died three years ago, from the moment he learned that Takamiya would not be able to see him anymore.  
  
  
  
  
Reiji still felt bad for having hurt his brother unintentionally. So that night he decided to return to Aoe estate instead of his apartment.

Shuuhei eagerly prepared him dinner and Haruomi asked politely if he would like to spend the night, so he could have the bedroom ready for him later.

"Yes, I'll stay."

He paused for a while with hesitation, then continued, "Where's Kiichi by the way?"

To have Reiji coming back here had always been a rare occasion, and each time this happened Kiichi would never leave him alone. His brother would normally greet Reiji himself from the moment he entered the house and pestered or teased him for most of his stay. But tonight things were different. Kiichi was not even here with him at dinner time.

Reiji was not sure if it was just his imagination, but it seemed Haruomi's face turned solemn when he asked of Kiichi.

"Kiichi's in the reading room. Should I tell him you wish to see him later?"

The butler of the Aoe household replied with his typical composed and stony manner.

"That would be fine."

Haruomi nodded and left the room. And Reiji didn't have to wait long till Shuuhei brought him freshly cooked dinner, arousing his appetite.

Reiji thought he was hungry, but he could only manage to have less than half the portion of what had been prepared for him. A few minutes later he pushed the wooden tray away a little to signal that he had finished with it and continued to drink only his tea.

"Reiji-sama..."

His 'Kashima' always address him that way when they were at home.

"Have you had enough?""

Shuuhei asked, surprised to see that most of the food was almost untouched.

"Yes."

Reiji got up from the dining table. His face grew dim without realising it.

"I'm going to see Kiichi."  
  
  
  
  
Haruomi left the reading room quietly when Reiji entered. He knew Aoe brothers would want to spend time together alone.

Kiichi was still staring outside the window and had his back on him, even when Reiji stepped closer.

"Kiichi..."

Reiji could feel his voice shaken a little bit. The confidence of B&B owner disappeared all of sudden.

Kiichi turned to face him. But even if he tried to smile for his little brother, his reddened eyes gave himself away.

"You..?"

Reiji was shocked to know that Kiichi had been crying. It had been a long time since he last saw Kiichi like this. Since his elder brother reached his teenage years, Kiichi always handled all kinds of trauma with dignity and composure, sometimes with anger, but never with tears.

Tonight, however...

"Don't look so upset, Reiji. I just want to accept my weakness as an ordinary human-being once in a while."

The other one still stood there speechless.

"I'm just a useless big brother anyway. There's nothing I can do to make my little brother happy - nothing at all."

Kiichi's voice was firm and clear, but tears that kept rolling down his face told Reiji that inside his elder brother's heart was breaking piece by piece.

"Kiichi..", Reiji rested one of his hands on his brother's shoulder, "Really, you don't need to worry about me this much."

"I'm not worried.", Kiichi pulled away from him, "I just feel worthless because I cannot be of any help. When we were younger, you were always the one helping me, protecting me. You even agreed to inherit and stuck with the family business for my sake.."

Seemed as if Kiichi was about to sob again when he continued, "I just wish I could make it easier for you somehow. Watching you living like this only tortures me. You're not happy, yet I can't do anything.."

_You've no idea how much pain this causes me.._

Kiichi's overwhelming words made Reiji looked the other way. Now it was his turn to fight back tears that welled up in his eyes.

That's right. Although others could not stay forever, Kiichi would always be here for him, the only one he knew would never fail him..

Deep down inside, they both cared for each other and thought the world of each other, and they never felt the need to express it directly. They just knew how the other felt.

But tonight was an exception. Kiichi's anguish moved him so much that for a while it could break down his wall. Reiji turned slowly to look at his brother who was still lost in thoughts, then his fingertips touched Kiichi's chin so he faced him. That moment brought back memories of the past when they were just little boys. Reiji could still see Kiichi's long silky hair, tears in his eyes, and how he wept helplessly because their father had mistreated him. And his heart would burn with rage while trying to console his elder brother.

Now he remembered how painful it was to see the loved one in agony, and he could do nothing to make things better. Now he knew what Kiichi meant. He then tenderly wiped tears from Kiichi's face, and did something he hadn't done for a long, long time..

Reiji embraced his brother so tightly in his arms.

"I'm so sorry.", Reiji could hear Kiichi whispered, "Even at a time like this, I still can't be strong for you."

He kissed Kiichi's hair. It broke his heart to see Kiichi in this state. His brother was made to laugh and got everything his own way, not trembling and sobbing in front of him like this.

"What are you talking about? By always putting up with me and never leave my side, you've shown greater strength for me than anyone, Kiichi."  
  
  
  
  
Reiji saw his brother again at breakfast. Kiichi's eyes were still swollen but he no longer seemed so disturbed like last night. He greeted Reiji with a smile when Reiji sat down next to him.

"You slept all right?"

Reiji nodded, took a sip of warm soup from the little bowl in his hands. Now that Shuuhei and Haruomi were around, none of them wanted to discuss any private matter, nor did they want to display their brotherly affection just like when they were alone.

Kiichi excused himself after the morning meal to have more rest. So Haruomi was the only one came to see him off at the car, while Shuuhei headed to his office earlier.

"Haruomi.."

The man looked at him. His face showed no expression as usual.

"I'm sorry I've made Kiichi cried."

He had no idea why he said that. Perhaps he knew Haruomi cared about his brother as much as he did, or perhaps he still felt he needed to say this to someone, for Kiichi would never think he should say sorry on a matter as such.

"When Kiichi cries, he still has you or me to comfort him."

That was how Haruomi replied,

"But when you're in pain, you never let any of us getting close or comforting you. That's what troubles your brother the most. Nobody wants to see you suffer alone like that. I only hope you don't forget that we all are here if you ever need us."

Reiji swallowed hard. He wanted so much to say thank you, but he found himself speechless. All he could do was casting down his eyes and pretended to get in his car hurriedly.  
  
  
  
  
Somehow, Kiichi's tears and Haruomi's kind words didn't make him feel better. On the contrary, they triggered what he had been trying to bury, and that made him mentally exhausted to the extreme.

Reiji got up from his desk and sat down on a new couch which he had replaced since Naoya's death. Who would be able to bear lying on the old one, when it was the seat where Naoya and he used to snuggle up close?

He could feel his hands shaken a little when he tried to light a cigarette.

_It's raining again?_

This weather always reminded him of those haunting moments in life - be it when Shiki was buried forever, or when that awful accident happened. It was bad enough to admit Naoya would never return, and now Reiji felt as if his head was about to burst when the recollection came back loud and clear in his mind. Not only that Naoya left him behind, but also Takamiya Katsura, the only friend he ever trusted.

_"Aoe-san, don't you think some flowers will lighten up this room?"_

_"What for? Naoya, this is my office, a workplace. Flowers are not necessary. Nobody will have time to pay attention to such things."_

_"But I'm sure Kashima-san can manage to look after a vase of flowers. And if they were from me, would you let them wither away and die just like that?"_

He still remembered how Naoya's eyes saddened. It still gave him a deep pain whenever he recalled.

And because he always had a soft spot for his little lover, he could do nothing but let Naoya do as he pleased eventually.

_"Well, as you wish then."_

_"Can we go out to the florist's now?"_

_"I'm afraid we can't. There'll be a meeting soon. Takamiya will also drop in any minute now. He has to give me a translated document."_

_Naoya looked a little disappointed but he didn't whine. Reiji could tell how the boy felt, though. So he drew Naoya close to make him feel a bit better._

_"It's still raining so heavily anyway. And I don't think I'll need any flower to lighten me up when I still have you here with me.."_

He then bent down to feel the softness of Naoya's lips.  
  
  
  
  
Takamiya Katsura stepped out of the elevator when it reached the top floor of B&B head office. He was holding a big brown envelope in one hand, and an umbrella still sprinkled with raindrops in another.

"I'm here to see Aoe Reiji."

He informed the receptionist politely, but then Shuuhei suddenly appeared and took over.

"Good afternoon, Takamiya-san! Please come this way. Owner is expecting you."

After they had a short friendly conversation, Shuuhei led him to Aoe Reiji's office. The door was left wide opened as if to welcome his arrival.

Naoya greeted him while Reiji was getting up from his desk. And later they all sat down together on the big couch.

"Would you like some tea?", Reiji asked.

"That would be great.", Takamiya replied and smiled at Naoya. And after Reiji had asked Shuuhei to bring some tea and pastries, he came back to pay attention to the document that Takamiya had brought along.

"Thanks very much. Shuuhei will take care of your translation fee.."

"Aoe, what do you take me for? I'm not going to charge you for this. We're friends!", Reiji's business-like mindset annoyed him a bit. But Takamiya dropped the subject there and started talking to Naoya.

"It's Saturday. Aren't you going out somewhere, Naoya-kun?"

"No... I just want to stay with Aoe-san.", the boy said plainly, blushed a little.

Reiji pretended to look the other way and lit a cigarette, for he didn't want to see Takamiya's knowing look.

"How sweet you are. Sometimes I wish Izumi were a bit more like you. Today he went to see a baseball match with his friends and left me alone again.", Takamiya complained but affectionately.

"How's that brat by the way?", Reiji couldn't help asking about his sworn enemy.

"Oh, he's fine. He's grown up a lot recently, almost reach your height now.", Takamiya said proudly, knowing both of them had not seen each other for quite a while, "He got himself into all kinds of activities since he started university."

"There's no way I believe your midget will ever be as tall as me! Wasn't I the one picking him up with one hand and had him delivered to you not so long ago?"

Shuuhei's entrance disrupted their conversation. He brought a silver tray with a tea kettle and warm pastries on it.

"Managers of all departments are now in the meeting room."

He told Reiji when he put down the tray. The owner of B&B then looked at his watch and nodded slightly, while Takamiya exclaimed with disappointment. "I thought we were going to enjoy the tea together!"

"I can't. I've got this meeting.", he got up and returned to his desk, picked up a file, and held it in his hand.

"When will you finish your meeting? Perhaps we all can have dinner together afterward... "

"It won't be until after half-past six. Can you wait till then?", Reiji was actually attracted to the idea Takamiya suggested. A proper meal together would be nice, and he could take him out to return Takamiya's kindness, too.

"Of course, I can. Hope you wouldn't mind if I asked Izumi to join us?"

"Whatever.", Although Izumi was not someone he would love to see in particular, he knew his friend would be happy when that boy was around, "What would you do meanwhile?"

"I'd just sit here and talk to Naoya unless you were the excessively jealous type," Takamiya teased and ignore his friend's stern look.

Then something popped up into Reiji's mind, "Naoya, you wanted to go to the florist's, didn't you? So Takamiya... if that's ok, can you take him out for me?"

"Can I go?", Naoya got up and came to him. His eyes sparkled with delight.

Reiji looked at that tender face lovingly.

"Of course, you can."

Who would know his permission would take away his young lover and best friend... for keeps?  
  
  
  
  
"Izumi... are you still in the bathroom?"

Mrs.Sakashita noticed that her only son had stayed in the bathtub for more than an hour already.

"Izumi?", there was no answer still.

"Are you all right in there?", his mother spoke louder this time. She began to feel really uneasy because Izumi had been exceptionally quiet and seemed strangely downcast all afternoon.

She decided to open the door and saw her son's head rested against the edge of the bathtub feebly. Mrs.Sakashita then rushed in and touched Izumi's pale face frantically.

"Izumi, talk to me! What.."

But all her words turned into a frightening scream when she realised that water in the bathtub was reddened with the colour of blood..  
  
  
  
  
"When did you find him?", the doctor inquired the patient's parents, while nurses were busy rushing Izumi into the emergency room.

"Only about twenty minutes ago. Would he be all right?"

The doctor tried to feel Izumi's weak pulse, and said briefly, "I'll do my best. It's better you both take a seat outside."

He then disappeared into the emergency room with their only son, leaving Mrs.Sakashita cried uncontrollably while her husband tried to calm her down..  
  
  
  
  
Haruomi went to pick him up from the hospital as usual, but it was already dawn when Kiichi came home.

"You look worn out. Do you want something to eat first?"

"No, I just need a good bath and then go to bed right away. And you're right. I'm deadly tired."

He took off his glasses, put them on the dressing table, and sat down wearily on the stool.

"Are you ok?", Haruoimi touched his shoulder gently.

"Yes. But.. hold me, won't you?"

Kiichi's lover did that without any hesitation, then asked softly as he held the first-born of the Aoe family in his arms, "Hey, what's the matter? Want to tell me something?"

He heard Kiichi's sigh, "There's this young patient who tried to commit suicide, and I almost failed to save him.."

"But you **did** save him.”

"I did. But I fear he might not want to continue living. He's about the same age as Naoya-kun if only Naoya-kun were still here."

Kiichi nestled his face against Haruomi's broad chest, and Haruomi could feel the warmth of teardrops seeping through his shirt.

"I was really scared I wouldn't be able to save him, just like when I wasn't around to save Naoya-kun when the accident happened.."

"But Kiichi, you promised me you wouldn't let this thought trouble you again."

Since Naoya was gone, it was not Reiji alone who hasn't been the same..  
  
  
  
  
The sound of someone weeping made Izumi came round gradually.

_Is that his mother crying? And where is he now? How come he's lying here?_

He slowly opened his eyes, but the bright light from outside and ceiling's whiteness made him close them again. It took a while before he could look around properly.

"Izumi, dear..", his mother rushed to his side, the trace of tears still on her face, "Why did you do this?"

His father stood at the end of his bed and looked at him in despair, but tried to smile at his son.

"Are you hungry, Izumi?"

Izumi budged a little to touch his mother's hand. Everything was still confusing. But when he felt the sharp pain on his left wrist, now being wrapped in a thick white bandage, he remembered what happened.

Right, he slashed it himself, and he's not even dead..

The hope to be with Takamiya.. shattered.  
  
  
  
  
"Has your son ever had history of depression or suicidal attempts before?"

The doctor who rescued Izumi asked the parents of his patient.

"No, none of the things ever happened. But he's been withdrawn.. become quieter and quieter over the few years."

"Would you by any chance know the reason behind this?", he addressed the next question compassionately.

"His friend died in an accident. They were so close before it happened. And since then, my son never seemed to be happy again." Mrs.Sakashita no longer had tears in her eyes, but her face still showed deep sorrow.

"But I don't understand at all why this happened. After all, it had been a while since his friend's gone. And I believe there's nothing else that would trouble him so much that it'd make him decide to..."

Everybody was silent for a while, then Kiichi continued, "I've been thinking if it'd be good for your son to have a talk with our psychiatrist. Do you think Izumi will agree to that?"

"If you think it's the best for Izumi, we have no opposition," said the father. "He's all we have. And since we don't know what's going on in his mind anymore, probably someone else can help. We'd give anything to make him happy."

Kiichi's heart went out to Izumi's parents and Izumi himself. He never wanted to see anyone unhappy, especially someone so young and had a life ahead. He wanted to do all he can to rid that boy of the idea of taking his own life.

Something told him that he must bring the smile back to Izumi's face.  
  
  
  
  
"Aoe-Sensei..."

A nurse came to see him while he was getting ready for his next shift.

"Your patient named Sakashita, he still wouldn't speak a word with our psychiatrist. Would you still insist on having the psychiatrist visited him every afternoon?"

"Really?"

Kiichi paused to think for a while. "But physically he's doing better, isn't he?"

"Yes, but he still doesn't eat much. I think he'll be discharged very soon, though."

That means the chance of him 'healing' Sakashita Izumi was running on...

"Thank you. I'll give him a visit later."  
  
  
  
  
While Kiichi was walking to his patient's room, he thought of the other 'Izumi' whom he used to take care of and had eventually found happiness with the man he loved.

Then, however, he had more strength and life wasn't so harsh. At least, he didn't have to cope with the sadness of losing Naoya and worry over Reiji. But he must try, for it seemed this Izumi had some kind of misery that could not be shared easily with anyone.

His patient was sitting on a chair beside the window when Kiichi walked into the room.

"Hello, Izumi."

He seemed a bit surprised to see Kiichi and got up.

"Good morning, Sensei."

"You look well, but a little too thin in my opinion. Is the hospital's food that horrible?"

Izumi forced himself to smile, but did not say anything.

"I heard you never talked to our psychiatrist..."

"It's no use," the young man replied rather sharply.

"Hmmm..." Kiichi looked at Izumi carefully. "What makes you say that?"

Izumi glared back at him. "I know you meant well, wanting me to talk to someone. But I don't think I need that."

No psychiatrist would understand nor be able to take away this sadness-- never.

"Is that so?"

Kiichi asked calmly, still fixed his eyes on Izumi's face until the younger one had to turn away.

His way of speaking, his patience, and the gentleness in those pair of eyes reminded Izumi of Takamiya, and before Izumi could realise his tears started to well up once again. He quickly tried to look up, hoping they would subside.

But when that doctor came close and touched him on the shoulder, he could no longer fight back those tears.

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

  
  
  
"Izumi, let's have dinner together this evening."

Takamiya rang him late that afternoon... on the day he could never forget.

"Sure," he answered eagerly while walking out of the stadium with his friends. "I feel like having sushi tonight. Is that ok?"

"Well, I've got to ask their preference too. But if we can't I promise to take you out some other time."

"Their preference? I thought there'd be only the two of us..."

"No, we'll be having dinner with Naoya and Aoe. It's been a while since we four got together..", Takamiya immediately moved his ears away from the phone after breaking the news, for he knew how the boy would react once he heard the name 'Aoe'.

"No way! I'd rather have cheap ramen from the stall with my friends than seeing that man. I'm not going and that's final!!" he insisted despite the fact that Takamiya had been trying to coax him very patiently.

"Izumi, don't be so stubborn. Please come for my sake or at least for Naoya's sake. Is that too much to ask?"

Somehow, Izumi found himself finally saying yes, but with reluctance.

"That's my boy. Give me a ring when you get to the city centre. I'll pick you up in front of the station."

"Ok.", his voice didn't hide that he was still frustrated.

"Stop sulking. You know I love you..."

Izumi hurriedly disconnected the phone when Takamiya started to sound too lovey-dovey. Although they had been together for some time, he still could not take his lover's straightforward way of expressing affection well. Izumi really wondered why Takamiya never felt embarrassed saying these things at all.

If only he knew that would be the last thing Takamiya could tell him, and if only he could turn back time, he would not have reacted that way...  
  
  
  
  
Takamiya stood there watching Naoya choosing flowers to be arranged for Reiji, and he genuinely felt happy for his friend to have such a thoughtful young lover.

'Ah, I still remembered when I brought flowers to visit him in the hospital, and he accused me of treating him like a girl. Now look who's talking. He even asked me to bring Naoya here, so the boy can get flowers for him!'

'This is what they call love after all...' He smiled to himself.

"A few more irises and lots, lots more of sunflowers please," Naoya told the florist who was still arranging those flowers in a vase. His eyes were filled with delight and the kind of happiness only those in love would know. A few moments later he asked for the amount needed to be paid, and that was when Takamiya stepped in.

"Naoya, please let me pay,” he said when the boy was about to get some cash out of his wallet, and handed in his own credit card to the florist instead.

"No, you mustn't do that, Takamiya-san!" Naoya's face grew hot, feeling a little embarrassed. "I've got enough allowance here and I really want to pay for Aoe-san's flowers..."

"I know you want to but I'd rather you keep the money to buy something nice for yourself or Aoe some other time. Today please let it be my treat. It's supposed to be my responsibility since Aoe had personally asked me to take you out as my date," he teased.

"But you're kind enough to have taken me here, and those flowers would surely cost a lot..", Aoe's little darling still stammered, blushed even more.

"Please, Naoya. Can't I be a part of the happiness Aoe and you share once in a while?"

"Well, thank you very much, Takamiya-san," Naoya accepted his offer finally. His face brightened when that big vase of beautifully arranged flowers was given to him. He took it into his arms with care.

"Do you think Aoe-san will like them?" he asked Takamiya as if to gain some reassurance.

"I'm sure he loves and appreciates everything you do, so no need to worry your pretty head!" Takamiya replied with a warm smile, then looked outside.

"It's still raining so heavily. What a strange weather for late autumn.", he said softly, thinking about Izumi who must already be on his way to meet him..  
  
  
  
  
'I don't believe this! That homo can't possibly do this to me. Wait until we meet, Takamiya!'

Izumi was extremely angry. He had been trying to call Takamiya for more than an hour but the phone was never answered. All he could do was walking around the train station. Pouring rain worsened the weather. He felt so cold that his teeth started to clatter.

'Because you asked me to come here, I left my friends and rushed over. Now, where the heck are you!?!'

He looked at his watch. It was almost half-past seven in the evening. Takamiya should have called had anything went wrong, and not standing him up like this. His face and the tip of his nose even began to turn red because of the coldness.

'Fine, I'm not going to wait anymore!'

He walked back inside the station furiously, wanting to catch the train home. But then his phone suddenly rang, and the little screen showed the name 'Takamiya'. Izumi almost shouted when he answered the call.

"How can you do this? What's the matter with you!?! Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting here??"

There was a long silence, before an unfamiliar voice talked to him,

"If you're related to Mr.Takamiya Katsura in any way, please come to Hospital S, Emergency Unit as soon as possible. He was in an accident on a motorway and is now in a critical condition!"  
  
  
  
  
Izumi didn't know how long he had been standing there in front of Takamiya's cold body.

He looked as if he was only sleeping. His face remained unmarked. There was not even a single scratch or bruise, but it was as white as paper.

_Please, somebody please tell me this not true. Takamiya's not dead.._

"We lost him while we were still on the ambulance. I'm really sorry," one of the nurses told him gently. "Another boy who was in the car made it to the hospital, but our effort still couldn't save any of them."

Izumi didn't understand. What boy were they talking about? But he was too confused and too shocked to ask any question. He still couldn't even take the fact that Takamiya's gone.. forever.

While he was standing there numbly, there was a voice he recognised that made him turned around. It was Aoe Reiji who walked into the building, talking to a policeman. His eyes reddened, and he almost did not notice that Izumi was standing there.

"Izumi, you..", Reiji stopped when he realised who the young man was.

"Aoe-san..", Izumi didn't know what to say. He even forgot the word to greet an adult properly, "Takamiya-san is..."

He looked up and stared at Reiji blankly. His lover's friend still looked calm and composed, but his eyes and trembling hands told Izumi that he already learned about the bad news.

"I'm sorry."

That was all Reiji said before walking away. But even then, Izumi could tell how hard Reiji tried to remain in control.

Only a few days later did he learn that ‘the boy’ mentioned was Shirakawa Naoya.  
  
  
  
  
Izumi was forced to admit that his lover had died in a car crash when he attended the funeral. Friends and relatives of Takamiya both in Japan and from abroad were present to show their last respect.

"It was Shiki then, and now it's Katsura," Izumi could here someone said sadly.

"How come this always happened to young men of our family? It's totally unfair."

"Katsura's friend, Aoe, isn't it? The boy his family took under their care was also with Katsura in the car, so Aoe lost both his dear ones because of this accident. How awful that is.."

Izumi turned away from those who were making depressive remarks, pretended to pay attention to the falling snow outside. He might not be blood-related to Takamiya, but this loss caused him pain as much as those who were, and perhaps even deeper.

After all, Takamiya Katsura was not just a 'friend', and Shirakawa Naoya was not just 'a boy Aoe family took under their care' either.

Reiji had in fact lost a lover, just like him. And that.. nobody would understand.

Aoe family's youngest son came to attend Takamiya's funeral late in the evening. Izumi greeted him subtly, looked into his eyes for a long while before forcing himself to say something to Takamiya’s best friend, "I sympathise with you on your loss."

He only nodded grimly and remained silent.

"Aoe-san...," Izumi continued, "In that car, with Takamiya-san, I really wish it was me instead of Naoya."

He paused then suddenly walked away, feeling he would succumb to tears any minute now. And he didn't want to cry in front of anyone.

Since then, he hadn't met Reiji again.  
  
  
  
  
"Izumi, how are you feeling? Are you ready to go home?"

Kiichi asked his young patient with concern, knowing Izumi would be discharged from the hospital tomorrow.

"Yes, I look forward to it. I feel a lot better now. Thank you so much for looking after me, sensei.", he replied softly. His voice still sounded feeble and unsure of himself, however.

Although it had been only a few days that he got to know this doctor, Izumi could feel such warmth and genuine affection. His doctor had helped cheer him up and divert his attention from dejected thoughts.

Kiichi was silent for a while as if hesitated in saying something. Then he told Izumi gently, "My responsibility to you as a doctor will end by the time you leave our hospital, but I know I'll still be concerned about you."

"This may sound strange, but could you consider me as your friend, or a brother.. instead of just a doctor?"

Izumi looked up. He didn't really understand what the doctor was trying to say.

"Even though you open up to me more than you do with the psychiatrist, I can sense that there's so much still left unspoken. Those may be matters you never want anyone to know, even your own parents."

"But if someday you feel the need to let it out, the need to speak to someone who won't be judgmental. Please think of me."

Before leaving his patient's room, Kiichi made sure he left a piece of paper at Izumi's bedside. It was his address and telephone number at Aoe mansion.  
  
  
  
  
Since the day he saw Kiichi crying, Reiji tried his best not to push his elder brother away especially when Kiichi tried to show how much he care for him.

He learned to take all those thoughtful gestures and words without being way too offensive or defensive, and most of all, to be thankful for others' good intentions. Each weekend he would go back to stay at the mansion, so he could be with Kiichi, Haruomi and Shuuhei just like when they were young.

He missed Naoya so terribly, and the bereavement haunted him still. But he no longer wanted to show how he suffered, otherwise it would trouble Kiichi and that wouldn't be a good thing.

"Haruomi," Kiichi asked one night, while they were alone together, "Do you think Reiji is happier?"

The man lying next to him was quiet for a moment, "I really can't tell."

"I just don't understand why..."

"Kiichi," Haruomi softly sighed. "It takes time for a person to bounce back when he encounters the loss of a loved one. And remember, it's the second time something like this happened to Reiji. So it's not going to be easy."

Everybody knew it was very hard for Reiji when he first took over the Aoe family's business. He had to walk away from the life he would love to live. And at the same time Shiki, the only man he ever wanted, died and left him to face this world alone.

When Naoya came along everything started to get better. Kiichi thought this time Reiji's happiness would stay forever, but it just turned out to be another broken dream.

Healing takes time, and healing an old wound that had been opened up again would surely take more time.

"I don't know if it'd be the same for him as it was before, but I'm certain he'll find his way to happiness again someday. We just have to let him take his time.."

Haruomi paused. And when he turned around, he realised his lover's face was wet with tears once again.

"I wonder why you were so quiet, and now I see..", Haruomi gently wiped those tears and drew Kiichi close. He hugged him tightly, sympathised with the pain Kiichi was going through.

"Cry if you want to, but never forget you're not the only one feeling for Reiji. I'm here beside you and I do understand."

He too used to sacrifice so much for Tien Li, and he knew well how painful it was to see his own brother suffer while he couldn't do anything to help.

"Thanks, Haruomi."

Kiichi whispered, as Haruomi tenderly kissed his moist eyelids.  
  
  
  
  
"Izumi", his mother was knocking on the door, "There's a phone call for you."

"Who's calling?", he asked idly, turned down the loud music he was listening to.

"I suppose it's from the doctor we met at the hospital."

His mother's voice lowered and was almost inaudible when she said the word 'hospital'. The fact that he once tried to take his own life was still traumatic to his parents.

In a few minutes later, Izumi came downstairs to answer his call. His mother went the other way and left him alone.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Izumi!", the voice sounded lively, "I hope you still remember your doctor."

"I certainly do. How have you been, sensei?"

"That's supposed to be my question for you," Kiichi replied.

"How's everything? Are you physically fit? Doing well in your studies?"

"Yes, everything's just fine."

"You sound convincing. I'm pleased to hear that all is well."

For a moment, Izumi was overwhelmed to know at least there was somebody who truly cared about him. He wanted to say so many things, yet he couldn't...

"Well, I just want to ring up and see how you are. Won't keep you any longer. Please take good care of yourself."

"Sensei..."

He managed to speak finally. "Can I still come over to see you.. to talk to you some time?"

Izumi found himself unusually timid when asking that question. But he felt that somehow this man might be the only one who could understand him after all.

"Of course, you can. Do you still have my phone number? Please call me whenever you feel like, so we can arrange to meet. If I'm not home just leave a message with the person who answers your call."

"Thank you, sensei. Umm.. this is rather embarrassing, but I never know your name." He felt ashamed of himself. How could he keep calling him 'sensei' without even ask what this doctor's real name is?

"It's Aoe. I'm Aoe Kiichi."

The name sounded really familiar, but at that time he had no idea it would have anything to do with another 'Aoe' he once knew..  
  
  
  
  
On Friday afternoon the following week, Izumi was standing in front of Aoe estate.

He felt a little intimidated by the grandness of the mansion. It seemed this doctor, Aoe Kiichi, is exceptional in some ways. He could probably be a typical 'young master' of a rich and respectable family. Would it be right to come over and discuss his personal problems with someone he hardly knew?

Izumi wasn't aware that he tried to make excuses not to meet ‘Aoe-sensei’, so he could avoid opening up more than he already had. Even though he was there at the front gate, he still hesitated, thinking if he should just walk away and forget all this..

But before Izumi could decide, the side door of the mansion’s main gate was opened and appeared a tall-frame man.

"Good afternoon. Are you Izumi-san?"

"Oh.. umm.. yes, that's me.", he stammered. Now it was too late to change his mind. He would have to meet him.

"Please come in. Kiichi-sama is expecting you."

Soon Izumi was inside the house. He looked around and could not help being impressed by the beautiful garden before his eyes. The man who opened the door for him led Izumi to the middle of that big garden, where they're situated a traditional Japanese-style gazebo. And from a distance he could see Kiichi waiting for him, eager to welcome his young guest.

Kiichi quickly put down the book he had been reading and stood up when Izumi came inside the gazebo. He looked so different in that dark-coloured kimono, in contrast to the white medical gown Izumi used to see.

After the usual greeting, Izumi handed him a small packet he bought along.

"Sensei, this is for you. I'm not sure if you like drinking tea but.."

"Ah, honey and vanilla flavoured tea.. how lovely!", Kiichi's reaction took all his worries away, "It would surely go well with the cake we've prepared, wouldn't it? So Haruomi, please make this tea for us."

When the man named 'Haruomi' walked away, Izumi had Kiichi's undivided attention once again.

"Thank you for the tea, Izumi. You don't need to bring me anything actually, because you coming here to see me is already a present in itself. I never thought you would agree to see me again."

"I had no idea I'd cause you such trouble. I mean.. you must have been really concerned about me."

"Anyone would have been concerned about a boy who tried to do what you did.", Kiichi said frankly and he could tell Izumi didn't like to hear that very much.

"I'm sorry for being so troublesome. But sensei... I'm quite all right now. I can take care of myself."

_Right, he can take care of himself..._

The way Izumi spoke reminded Kiichi of Naoya, especially when he first came to live with Reiji. That boy too did not let anyone nurture or pamper him easily. There was always a thick wall in between, which Kiichi could see through that it was a defensive mechanism. Naoya pushed people away just like what Reiji did now, so people could not touch his wound or see how badly he had been hurt.

Kiichi guessed the same philosophy applied to Izumi.

"I know you're capable of taking care of yourself. But whether you would do it properly is another story."

"Well, I suppose there are times we don't feel like taking care so much of ourselves. What for anyway?", Izumi replied without looking at Kiichi. He could feel his lips quivered without a reason. It was still a mystery why he always wanted to break down and cry his heart out whenever this man was near.

Kiichi got up from his chair and stood closer to him. Izumi saw a compassionate smile on that face.

"Cliché as it may sound, you still should do it for your own good. So that you'll be strong enough to find your way to happiness."

Haruomi returned with slices of cake and the tea that he had brought, now being infused inside a fine china teapot. He poured the drink into two separate teacups, then left silently to let both of them talk in private once again.

Izumi held the teacup in his hand, seemed lost in his own thoughts.

The fragrance of this tea..

"Izumi..." Kiichi called him softly.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes. It's just that this scent... It reminds me of someone."

_It's Takamiya's favourite..._

Izumi slowly looked up, his eyes glazed with tears. He couldn't hold them back no matter how hard he tried.

"That person is someone I love the most. But he's not here to enjoy this drink with me anymore."

Where are you now? Come back. I'll show you that all the while you've been the only person I've ever loved..

Izumi didn't even sob. He just sat there and let the teardrops dripped silently into his teacup.

With that sight, Kiichi could feel his own heart ached.  
  
  
  
  
For the first time, since Takamiya had gone, Izumi opened his heart to someone. He told Kiichi about Takamiya - how they had loved each other, and how Takamiya's death had done such terrible damage to him.

"Aren't you shocked or disgusted at all that I had an older male lover?"

Kiichi smiled softly. "That would never shock nor disgust me. As long as it's a genuine feeling two people have for each other, nothing else matters. Why should I have anything against such a beautiful thing?"

Izumi's cheeks burned. Although he felt a big relief having let this out, he was still not used to discuss such a private matter. But it was good talking to Kiichi, even though it made him cry a little more.

"I can only manage to tell you about the good memories we've shared. But I'm not ready to talk about the time of his death, so I hope you understand. Even today, I still find it difficult to say his name out loud. That explains why I didn't even once mention his name while we were talking."

"It's so strange, sensei. When he was alive I love him too but I didn't want to show it. I suppose I had taken him and his love for granted. He did all he could for me, but I was pretty mean and stubborn with him. When I knew he was gone, the pain of losing him just eating me up slowly. For three whole years, I kept blaming myself for not having done it differently. If I were kind to him and treated him the way he treated me, perhaps all this wouldn't have happened.."

_If only he didn't leave Takamiya behind and went to that baseball match with his friends. If only he said 'I love you, too' instead of hanging up on him like that. If only.._

"That's why I made such a violent decision. What's the use in living with this guilt, knowing that I'd never be able to return the love he had showered on me? I admit I had no one to turn to. Anyone would surely be taken aback if he knew what kind of relationship he and I had. So I kept it all inside and drowned in my own misery. But it could be a blessing in disguise after all, because what I did then brought me to you."

Izumi sighed.

"Sensei, thank you for being so kind and patient. You've no idea how much this means to me. Talking to you makes me feel a lot better. I really appreciate all you've done."

"It's my pleasure. In fact, I'm so honoured you shared this with me, even though I'm still a stranger to you in many ways."

"Izumi, there's one thing I want you to always remember. Please don't ever blame yourself, or think of hurting yourself again. None of what happened is your fault. I know it was cruel and unfair, and you don't deserve this. But you must learn to be resilient and move on."

"You know you mean the world to your parents, and they need you here with them. So taking your own life would only break the hearts of people you've left behind. Death is also not the solution, no matter how much you feel like letting go. Only in living that you'll soon find the answer you've been looking for."

"I want you to live and become happy again. I know you will. And I'm sure the man you love would want the same thing. He'd surely agree with everything I say to you today."

Izumi smiled. Although there were still tears in his eyes, he found himself wanting to smile.

"I don't know what to say. You've been so good to me, sensei."

"I just really care about you. I also seriously hope you'll come to see me again soon."

"I certainly will."

All the sadness that had pressed his heart for the last three years was finally lessened. Now at least there was someone who understood how he felt.

"I’ve taken a lot of your time already. I suppose I should be going."

"Already? Don't you want to stay for dinner?" Kiichi invited willingly.

"That's very kind of you, but I'd rather go home. My mother is probably worried. Thank you, however."  
  
  
  
  
Kiichi walked with Izumi to the gate to see him off. But before Izumi could leave that house, the main gate started to open automatically.

The doctor then said cheerfully, “That's my little brother coming in. Please stay for a while. I'll introduce you to him as my new friend."

Izumi didn't want to stay, but he didn't want to be rude to Kiichi who had been so nice to him. So he stood there in the corner, while Kiichi walked up to the car that had to stop halfway.

"Kiichi, I told you not to stand in the driveway like this!"

Izumi's heart skipped a beat. Where had he heard this sonorous voice before?

"Now, now.. don't act like a grumpy old man. I just want you to meet my new friend. Izumi, come over here."

"Can't you at least wait till I park properly? And what are you talking about? I already know Izumi!"

Reiji thought his brother was talking about Yanase Izumi, the former number one host of B&B. He turned to where his elder brother was looking, but he couldn't see clearly for it was quite dark.

"No, not our Izumi. This is another Izumi you haven't met before," Kiichi came to Izumi and gently pushed him, thinking the young man was the shy type. "Come and meet my brother. He won't bite you."

Izumi wouldn't budge. Now he knew why the name 'Aoe' sounded so familiar. Now he knew why..

"I already know your brother. So sensei, please.."

_How stupid I was. Aoe Kiichi. Aoe Reji. They were from the same family. Why didn't I have any clue?_

"What's wrong with you? Come with me or I won't let you go home!", Kiichi teased without noticing the fear in Izumi's eyes. He grabbed Izumi's wrist and tried to make him walk to Reiji, still sitting inside his car.

Izumi felt as if a cold hand was clutching his heart.

No, he didn't want to meet Reiji, not like this. He came here to be healed, not to see the reflection of his wounded soul. So why did he end up meeting someone who would remind him of that accident again?

"Izumi, what happened?"

This man is his lover's best friend. This man had lost his beloved the same time Izumi lost his. They have nothing in common but the pain of bereavement. They would only make each other recall those painful memories.

_This isn't right. I shouldn't be here from the very beginning._

_After all, wasn't it because Takamiya had to meet him on that day.. that two lives were lost, and another two were torn apart?_

"What's going on here?"

Reiji was obviously annoyed. He got off his car with the engine still on. Like his usual self, Reiji hated to waste time unreasonably. He came over to where Kiichi and Izumi were standing, while Izumi unconsciously stepped away and hid behind Kiichi.

Kiichi pulled away and let Izumi faced his brother. The youngest one of the three looked up nervously, and their eyes met.

Reiji was numbed when he realise who that was. His hands that were about to light his cigarette with a lighter went weak all of sudden.

"You?" he exclaimed.

That boy might have grown taller. His shoulders could have become broader. But something in Izumi's eyes was still exactly the same as he saw them three years ago. They still made Reiji feel like running away.

He thought he was fine until that very minute, when the past he tried not to think about came rushing back to his mind.

Fate was nothing… but cruelty.  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka.

  
  
  
"I really should be going, sensei."

Izumi quickly turned away from Reiji. Kiichi also looked surprised by his younger brother's reaction.

"Goodbye."

"Izumi, wait..", but it was too late. Izumi rushed out from the gate and did not even look back at the two brothers.

Reiji stood there quietly, not uttering a single word but his face showed it all.

"So you two know each other?"

The sole heir of the Aoe family lit his cigarette before giving Kiichi his answer, and Kiichi noticed that his brother's hands were slightly trembling.

"That boy.." Reiji inhaled deeply. "..Is Takamiya's lover."

Now it was Kiichi's turn to be speechless. He never thought such a coincidence would ever happen.

"Then how come Izumi seemed so shocked, as if he didn't want to see you?"

"I was shocked to see him too. I never thought I'd see him again"

Reiji said briefly and returned to his car and drove inside. He left Kiichi standing there, puzzled.  
  
  
  
  
That night, although Reiji tried not to show it, Kiichi could still feel something was wrong with his brother.

It was almost midnight when Kiichi walked to another wing of Aoe mansion. He stopped in front of his brother's bedroom and said softly, "Reiji.."

He could still see the light was on, and that meant Reiji wasn't yet asleep. Soon he heard the voice saying, "Come on in."

When Kiichi entered, Reiji was standing on the veranda of his bedroom. He was smoking and looked pensive.

"So?"

Reiji finally asked, after Kiichi had been standing there quietly for a while.

Kiichi looked at him. He had so much to ask about what happened earlier that evening, but at the same time felt that he might make Reiji feel uneasy. So he just started a casual conversation.

"I only want to see if you're in bed properly. You looked tired today."

"Kiichi..", Reiji stepped inside, looked at his elder brother. That second Kiichi could see bitterness shining from those pair of eyes, "So the time of role reversal has come. Coming all the way to check up if I'm already in bed, trying to look after me - isn't this what I did for you when we were young? Well, at least before Haruomi came.. "

"And what's wrong with that? I'm your elder brother, remember."

"Yes, you are. But I can also sense your hidden agenda. You're here to ask me questions, aren't you?"

"You're probably right there.", Kiichi admitted quickly, "So... if I asked, would you give me answers?"

"If I could."

"I'm surprised that Izumi and you look so uncomfortable when seeing each other." Kiichi continued without hesitation. "If he's your best friend's lover, then normally you two should share a level of compassion and sympathy."

Reiji was silent, thinking.

"Perhaps we're just different from other people", he said finally.

"Kiichi, you mustn’t forget that dealing with my own loss is exhausting enough. I've got no strength left to comfort or console anyone who's also suffering from the same thing. I felt extremely awkward whenever I saw him. To me, he symbolised the tragedy I want to forget so badly."

_After all these years, I still don't like that boy's eyes expression.._

"Call me selfish if you want to, but I'm not ready to offer support to anyone. It's still difficult for me.", Reiji sighed. "And I guess Izumi feels the same. We're just each other's poison. There's no use in meeting up, keeping in touch or whatsoever."

"And I was rather astonished to see him in my own house. Kiichi, how did you get to know him?"

"Let's keep that for some other time.", Kiichi smiled.

Now might not be a good idea to tell Reiji how he met Izumi, especially when Reiji just insisted he wasn't ready to acknowledge anyone's grief beside his own.

"I'm glad we had this talk, though. I may not be of much help, but at least I'm glad you let me know how you feel."

"Having you, Haruomi, and Shuuhei with me, that's a big help already."

"Reiji..."

"Yes?"

"If I asked Izumi to come over to our place some times, would you mind?"

"Why should I mind if he wanted to? After all this is your house as well.", said Reiji, "I'm not around very much anyway, so.."

"That means you'll avoid meeting him.."

"How can you say that Kiichi?" Reiji put out his last cigarette of that night. "Couldn't you see who was the first to run away when we two met?"  
  
  
  
  
Izumi was walking inside his campus absent-mindedly. This day last week, after talking to Kiichi, he felt much better that he resolved to start a new beginning and put all the sadness behind. But on the same day, there was an unexpected encounter that weakened his will to live for happiness again.

He felt as if God was playing a trick on him.

Izumi knew the accident was nobody's fault. But sometimes when he felt the need to put the blame on someone, Reiji inevitably became his target.

If only Takamiya didn't have to deliver those translated papers to Reiji...

If only Takamiya didn't have to take Naoya out..

Naoya wanted to get some flowers. Was that why Takamiya took all the trouble to go out with him?

And why the person dying beside Takamiya wasn't him? Why did it have to be someone else..

"Izumi."

Someone called his name. Izumi turned around and was taken by surprise when he saw who was standing there.

"Sensei..."

"Hello. Have you finished attending your lecture for today?"

"Yes..."

He told Kiichi where he was studying, but did not expect Kiichi would manage to track him down like this.

"If you're not in a hurry, can we talk?" Kiichi's voice was mild and coaxing.

Izumi wanted to refuse. He didn't want anything to do with the Aoe family again.

"I don't know. This isn't a good time.." he said softly.

"I won't keep you long. And after this talk, you have my word that I'll stay away forever if you want me to."

The young man sighed, and once again, he gave in.  
  
  
  
  
They sat down quietly on a bench under the shade of a big tree in his campus' small park.

"I really had no clue the man you told me about was Takamiya", Kiichi broke the silence.

"I didn't realise either that you were Aoe-san's brother. I should at least have the slightest inkling when I first heard your family name, but then it could also be a different Aoe..."

He looked at Izumi. "So if you knew from the start that I was Reiji's brother, you wouldn't talk and open up to me?"

"Well, it's not exactly like that. Your consolation made me feel better, and I'm so glad I've met an understanding person like you. But had I known all about this, I might not have come over to your place."

"May I ask why?"

Izumi did not answer.

"Is it because of Reiji?"

"We'd better not talk about this, sensei. You probably don't understand.."

"How can I understand as long as you refuse to explain?" Kiichi persisted.

"You might hate me for that." Izumi pressed his lips tightly. "Once you knew what I've been thinking, you'd realise I don't deserve your attention and kindness at all."

"Try me."

The boy paused for a long while, then continued, "Although it's all in the past, I can't help thinking.. that if not because of Aoe Reiji and Naoya, then Takamiya-san might still.."

_Be here with me._

But his voice lowered and became inaudible. Thinking about those three people at the same time was just too much, let alone uttering their names out loud.

"To me, you have every right to think that way," Kiichi said gently. "However, it was an accident. Nobody wanted it to happen. Reiji isn't suffering any less than you."

Now he understood what Reiji tried to explain the other night better. His brother would not be able to bear it if he had to acknowledge the pain in Izumi's heart, as well as take the blame for what had happened.

"I know that very well, sensei," Izumi replied, "But sometimes when fate had done so much to us without leaving any good reason behind, I just felt the need to give myself an explanation."

At least that way he could say it was someone's fault. He couldn't accept it as just an accident. He couldn't take it, no.

"Most importantly," he added. "To know that the person staying beside Takamiya in his last moment wasn't me.. really hurts."

There were no tears in Izumi's eyes, but the way he spoke showed Kiichi how deeply devastated he had been.

"So.. you don't think Reiji too wishes he was the driver of that car?" the eldest son of the Aoe family reminded him.

"But what's the use in trying to figure out whose fault it would be? Even if you could put the blame on Reiji, it still wouldn't change anything."

Kiichi looked into his eyes.

"Izumi, I believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter how cruel or unfair it may seem."

"When you came to the hospital, I happened to be the doctor who was in charge of you. This too must have happened for a good reason."

"Life has a strange way of teaching us. I don't know how you feel about this coincidence that links us all together, but I see it as a blessing. This might be a sign telling you it's time to move on, change your way of thinking, and let your wound be healed. It may be painful and frustrating at first, but I'm certain it's for the better."

"You need to face the truth, Izumi. You're not the victim, and you're not the only one grieving. I know how much you love Takamiya, but losing one's lover is still way better than losing both one's lover and best friend at the same time."

Izumi looked down. Every word of Kiichi cut him like a knife.. but it was also true!

"And what difference would it make to you, sensei? You’d never gain anything out of your effort. It doesn't matter if I could get over this or not. I'm just one of your patients."

_Why should you care?_

"I see, you've never really listened to me," Kiichi’s eyes saddened.

"I might only be a doctor to you, but you're like a brother to me. Don't ask me why, for I can't give you an explanation either. I just feel this way. So it's natural that I see myself as your elder brother, not just a doctor who would simply walk away once his patient's physically strong."

"I just want to see you happy, and only that will make me happy. Anyway, this might be the last time we meet, since I'm not sure if you'd be happy to see me from now on, so.."

"No, sensei, please don't say something like that." Tears suddenly filled Izumi's eyes when he heard the word 'last time'. Even in this most confusing moment, he knew he didn't want to lose a tender-hearted person like Kiichi.

"I just don't know if I could do what you've asked me to. It might take some time," he told Kiichi, "But we'll certainly meet again. When I'm ready, I'll be coming to see you at your place one day. I promise."  
  
  
  
  
Winter had arrived, and it had been months since Kiichi last saw Izumi.

He constantly thought about him, wondering if he would be coping all right. But on the other hand, Kiichi felt he must let Izumi taking control of his own life and handling his own feelings without being told what he should do. He had given the best advice he could offer, so now it was up to Izumi if he would take it or not..

"What's the matter?"

Haruomi embraced him from behind, pressed his chin lightly on Kiichi's soft silky hair. "You look so pensive these days."

"I'm thinking about Izumi."

"So you've finally found someone to substitute for Naoya?" He meant to tease but that remark made Kiichi's face grew dim.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.."

"That's all right. We both know every single person in this world can never be substituted, don't we? Everyone's special and unique in their own way.", Kiichi said calmly

"I'm just concerned about Izumi. Now that I know he was Takamiya's boy, I want to do something for him even more."

"I know you never want to see anyone in distress." Haruomi understood his lover's nature very well. "But you've done your best, and you mustn't blame yourself. It's impossible to make everyone in this world happy."

"I think so. Reiji's a good example. I can't even make my own brother feel better.."

"But don't you think we're getting there? At least Reiji no longer keeps everything to himself like he used to."

"What about you?", Kiichi changed the subject, "Have I ever made you happy?"

The darkness of his eyes could not hide the haunting poignancy he had since he was a child.

_I know how it felt to be unhappy. That's why I never want to see my loved ones going through the same thing.._

Haruomi looked at him quietly. Without saying a word, he tenderly grabbed that delicate build and carried it in his arms.

"Haruomi.."

Surprised, Kiichi let out a soft cry. Even today, he still flushed whenever Haruomi did things he did not expect. That sudden movement caused the kimono he was wearing to slip off, revealing part of his marble-like chest and one of his shoulders.

"You always make me happy," he answered, holding Kiichi close. "You show me what true happiness is."

Their faces almost touched when Haruomi continued sweetly: "So tonight please let me requite what you've always been giving me."

 _Let me take away your worries. I'll hold your hands, and take you to the brightest star in the sky.._  
  
  
  
  
One Sunday morning, after Kiichi had his breakfast, Haruomi came to see him with an intriguing smile on his face.

"Now what's that smile for?" he asked astonishingly, for Haruomi always had a serious expression no matter what mood he was in.

"Can there be anything else besides me that makes you look so happy?" 'The Queen' of Aoe household enquired.

"Wrap yourself up with this first. It's cold outside." Haruomi said as he covered Kiichi with a wool blanket. "And come with me."

Those pair of dark eyes looked at Haruomi with puzzlement. He found himself following Haruomi obediently, as the other man led him to the garden in the middle of Aoe mansion.

"Who could that be?", Kiichi murmured when he noticed there was someone sitting in the gazebo. He was suddenly thrilled without a reason.

Haruomil did not answer. Instead, he called out that person's name, loud enough to make him turn around.

"Izumi-san.."

Kiichi's eyes twinkled with delight. He smiled so happily before giving a kiss on Haruomi's chin as if to say thank you, then dashed off to his guest.

"Sensei!" Izumi also seemed excited to see Kiichi again. He came out of the gazebo to meet Kiichi halfway, smiling back.

"Finally, you're here to see me!" Kiichi pounced on the young man and gave him a big hug.

Izumi didn't expect such a sudden and affectionate gesture, so he automatically held himself back. Kiichi then realised he might have been too expressive, "Oh, I'm sorry.." he laughed as he let him go.

"That's all right.", Izumi blushed. He was pretty surprised from the moment he saw Kiichi *kissed* that tall man, and later on, threw himself into him like that. He was not used to being touched by other people apart from Takamiya, but the way Kiichi hugged him was somehow so warm and genuine that he did not feel like pushing away either.

Kiichi looked at Izumi. He was pleased to see that the boy's face had brightened and no longer look so melancholic like before.

"I'm so happy you're here. Let's go inside. It's too cold to sit here in this weather."

Izumi hesitated, "But.."

"Don't you worry. Reiji's normally in the western wing. You wouldn't get to see him so easily," Kiichi said as if he could read Izumi's mind, "But what's the trouble anyway? Meeting an old acquaintance isn't a big deal, is it?"

"Sensei," Izumi still looked worried, "After I've thought about what you told me, I find it easier to come here and see you. I don't put the blame on others anymore. But what if my presence here made Aoe-san uncomfortable?"

"Well, if that's the case, he's got to learn to cope with it and make himself stronger," Kiichi said straightforwardly.

"And I'm sure nobody would associate you with tragedy in the past once they see you smile the way you're smiling now."

"Come on, Izumi.", the doctor persuaded once again.

Timidly, Izumi let Kiichi took his hand, and that was the first time he entered the Aoe mansion.  
  
  
  
  
Since then, Sakashita Izumi had become the regular guest of the Aoe mansion. He visited the place every weekend, but still remained only in Kiichi's territory - the eastern wing of the house.

"Are you going to see sensei again?", his mother asked interestingly when she saw Izumi putting on his overcoat, getting ready to go out.

"Yes.", Izumi replied.

He might not smile as much as before, but at least now he no longer looked so depressed, thought Mrs. Sakashita.

"Why don't we invite him over some time? I'd like to meet him too."

"I'll ask him that. See you later, mother."

After Izumi had left, Mr. Sakashita said to his wife thoughtfully, "It seems our son is seeing sensei quite often."

"Yes, now he goes there every weekend. I think it's good for him. He looks happier after each visit.."

"I agree with that, but.."

"But?"

"I just don't like the idea of Izumi getting too attached to anyone. You know how terrible he was when Takamiya-san passed away, and now.."

Izumi's father was right in a way.

"What you said is true," she sighed.

"But now I just want him to be happy, and don't want to hold him back from what he feels like doing. You may think I'm spoiling him, but I'd rather do that than seeing Izumi miserable again."

"I hope you'll understand.", looking at her husband, she smiled bitterly.  
  
  
  
  
Reiji looked out of his bedroom window, and the sight gave him a strange feeling.

There was a young man strolling beside Kiichi in the garden just like Naoya used to do, but he was not Naoya.

"Reiji," he recalled what Kiichi said to him, "If you find it difficult to face Izumi, I'm not going to ask you to do what you don’t want. But for me, he’s someone I am truly fond of, and care for. So I hope you don't mind Izumi coming over and spend time here with me.."

He did not oppose, nor did he show any eagerness to Izumi's visit. On a Sunday morning like this, he was always content to be on his own and enjoyed its quietness, which happened to be the time that Izumi regularly dropping by.

At least Izumi could make Kiichi occupied, and distract the attention which would normally direct only to him. What Kiichi tried to do was so typical of him - wanting to make everyone around him happy.

But Reiji might be his elder brother's greatest failure after all.  
  
  
  
  
"Sensei," Izumi spoke softly. "Can I ask you something?"

Kiichi looked up from the chess game they were playing. "Of course."

"Next week will be Takamiya-san's death anniversary." His heart still tingled when he mentioned that name, "Over the past years, it never occurred to me that it was Naoya's death anniversary, too. So this time I want to pay my respects to him, and I wonder if you could tell me where his cemetery is."

Even though Kiichi had trained himself not to be moved by emotion so easily, what Izumi just said to him was overwhelming and as a result, made him speechless for some time.

"Thank you, Izumi. That's thoughtful of you," he said after finally being able to make himself speak. "Naoya's in our family's graveyard. It's located in the suburban area. We intend to visit him on that day as well, so why don't you come with us?"

"I don't think I should. I mean.. you and your family must prefer to go there privately." Courteous as it might sound, but Izumi knew he also tried to avoid the chance of meeting Reiji again.

"I honestly want to be there on my own."

From the look on Izumi's face, Kiichi knew it would be hard to make the boy change his mind.

When it was nearly the Aoe family's lunchtime, Izumi excused himself.

"You have to go home already? Don't you want to stay for lunch?"

"No, thank you. My parents must be expecting me. I also want to ask if you could come over and have tea with us some time. My mother would love to see you."

"That will be great. It's been a long time since I last saw them. I'll give you a call so we can arrange to meet one afternoon. Please give your parents my best regards."

After Izumi had left, Kiichi came out of his living room and walked towards the hall located at the centre of the Aoe mansion. This had been where family members dine and meet to discuss important matters together, since the time their father was still alive.

Kiichi folded his arms over the chest and looked around, feeling cold and lonely. The house now seemed so big and empty. There were only two Kashima brothers and him living here.

Without Reiji coming back from time to time it would be even worse.

"Kiichi-sama" Shuuhei entered with the first big tray of meal set for Reiji and him. "It's already lunchtime. Should I be sent for Reiji-sama?" he asked after noticing that the young master he had served since childhood was still not there.

"No, you stay here and give Haruomi a hand. I'll take care of that."

Kiichi also wanted to ask Reiji something. So he walked through that hall and step into the western wing where Reiji stayed. But at the same time, the person he had been looking for was just leaving his own bedroom and came towards him.

"I thought you forgot our lunchtime.", Kiichi gave him a soft smile.

Reiji was still in a greyish coloured casual kimono, and had that indifferent look on his face as always.

"Reiji, you remember the anniversary next week, don't you?"

His younger brother nodded solemnly. How could he not remember?

"And have you ever visited Takamiya's cemetery?"

"Of course, I have. He's my best friend. I never forget about him."

Reiji answered.

"But I've never visited him on the anniversary day. That's all."  
  
  
  
  
On Sunday the following week, Izumi left home with his mother to pay respect to Takamiya on his death anniversary.

They stopped on their way to have bouquets of flowers arranged at a florist's. He chose white lilies for Takamiya like usual, and he also ordered another bouquet of bright yellow sunflowers for Naoya. Although it cost him a lot more because sunflowers were never easy to find in winter, he just felt these cheerful coloured flowers would be most suitable for that boy.

"Is that for Takamiya-san, too?", his mother asked.

"No. This is for another friend. He was in the car crash with Takamiya-san."

That late morning, Izumi placed his big bouquet of white lilies in front of the memorial stone plate with the name "Katsura Takamiya" on. It had been covered with snowflakes, so he brushed them away carefully with his hand.

His mother stood a little further away. She had a handkerchief in her hands. The tip of her nose and her eyes were reddened.

Mrs. Sakashita let her son took his time. But when she noticed Izumi had become so quiet, she called him softly, "It's getting cold, dear. Shall we go?"

"Mother, I hope you don't mind me saying this but," Izumi said without looking at her. "I'd like to stay a little longer. You can go home first if you wish."

"Izumi.."

"You needn't be worried about me. I'm all right, really," Izumi insisted, "I just want to be here on my own quietly."

It took a while to convince Mrs. Sakashita, and after she had gone Izumi knelt down before that stone plate.

_I still don't believe that you've been gone for four years now.._

"Takamiya-san," Izumi called out his name softly as if Takamiya was still alive and standing before him.

"I'm so sorry for haven't loved you and requited all your feelings enough while you were still with me. I'm sorry for being so self-centred and hurting your feelings in many ways."

"I'm sorry that each time I was here all I could do was crying. That must have made you worried about me even more. But.. from now on I promise not to cry. I'll try my best to be strong."

"Sensei had given me back my senses. I'll no longer let the past trouble me. I'll hold on only to our sweet memories, and I'll never ever forget that you're the one who loves me the most."

"I'll cherish the love that you had given and make them my source of strength. And although I've never told you directly, I hope you realise that I too.. love you the most."

Even though the chill wind was blowing his way, he suddenly felt warm as if Takamiya was there beside him, hugging him..

Izumi looked up into the sky. His eyes were dry, and only himself know how Takamiya was sorely missed.  
  
  
  
  
"Kiichi.."

Reiji said to his elder brother after they all had returned from paying a visit to Naoya, "I'm going now."

"Why are you leaving so soon?" Kiichi was surprised. Normally Reiji would not return to his own apartment until late in the evening, and today it was not even dinnertime yet.

"I want to go back to the cemetery again," he told his brother honestly. Reiji needed to be alone with Naoya, even if now only the ashes of his beloved one remained.

"I see," Kiichi murmured. He tried his best to understand the depth of Reiji's pain.

"Hurry up before it gets too dark then.. and take good care of yourself."

The sole heir of the Aoe family walked out of his mansion, followed by Kashima who brought along his small luggage and suit bag.

Kiichi still looked at Reiji silently from a distance. He knew his brother's healing process would take some time, but he could not help being concerned as ever.

_Reiji, your heart might not be this heavy... if only you wouldn't try so hard not to let your sadness show..._  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ninkisakka's Notes:  
> \- Although in the original series Kiichi and Reiji were normally addressed as 'sensei' and 'owner' by Shuuhei respectively, when they were at home I decided to stick to the way Shuuhei addressed his young masters in their tender years (Kiichi/Reiji-sama) I just take the liberties of doing this because I personally feel it's more informal and intimate ^ ^"
> 
> \- The division of Aoe mansion's eastern and western wings are of my own imagination. Reiji would stay in the western wing, while the Queen resided in the east..


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka

  
  
  
Izumi did not leave Takamiya until late afternoon.

His next visit was another cemetery in the suburb which he determined to be there for the first time. When he got there, the sun was already setting and the sky's colour was a mixture of orange and blue. It looked incredibly beautiful yet so lonely, especially when it got colder and colder.

He had no trouble finding where Naoya was. His stone plate looked relatively the newest among others in the cemetery of the Aoe family. There was almost no snow covering on top except a few flakes which just came down, and was surrounded by beautiful fresh flowers. Everything looked neat and well taken care of, which indicated that Aoe people had just probably gone.

Izumi laid his bouquet of sunflowers next to flowers that were there earlier. He then sat down beside him just as he did while he was with his late lover.

'I suppose Takamiya-san's taking good care of you,' he thought.

'To me, you're the luckiest guy.. because now you're with someone like him.'

He looked at those lovely-coloured flowers once again.

Naoya must have been very dear to the Aoe family. Each time any of them mentioned the boy's name, Izumi could still see a glimpse of sadness shining in their eyes until today.

The thought made his heart heavy. He might not have known Naoya that well, but he remembered he seemed like a sincere person and meant so much to Aoe Reiji.

'Well, I promise to visit you again next year, Naoya..'

The sky was getting darker when he finally got up.

The sound of someone's footstep made him turned around, and Izumi's eyes were widened with surprise when he saw who that was. Even though it was rather dark, he could recognise him that instant.

It seemed the tall-built man was as astonished as him. He stopped walking and just stood there.

Izumi hurriedly stepped away from Naoya's grave. His presence here might upset Reiji after all. So he turned around, wanting to leave the cemetery as soon as he could.

"Thank you.."

Unexpectedly, Izumi heard Reiji saying.

"Thank you for bringing my Naoya flowers."

Izumi looked at him, but he was staring at the stone plate carved with Naoya's name.

"You're welcome."

He murmured and walked away. Izumi was certain Reiji would want to be left alone, exactly like when he was with Takamiya this afternoon.

'.. _my_ Naoya..'

Izumi thought of what he had just heard. The way Reiji said the boy's name was ever so tender, and he had never seen the soft side of this man before.

When Reiji was standing there all alone, he looked down and noticed that big bouquet of sunflowers. Without knowing why, he bent down, gently plucked a petal, and let it stayed on his fingertip.

Reiji looked at that yellowish-orange petal sadly.

Sunflowers was also one of the flowers Naoya had arranged especially for him on that day..

He was certain because the last time he saw Naoya's pale lovely face, this little petal of the same kind was still on his cheek.

And that sight.. Reiji could never forget.  
  
  
  
  
"Thank you so much for encouraging and looking after Izumi. He now seems much livelier."

Overwhelmed, Mrs. Sakashita said to Kiichi while they all were having tea together in a patisserie located near the hospital.

"Not at all. You're flattering me! In fact, Izumi is naturally a strong person."

The handsome doctor turned to Izumi, smiling.

"Not always, though," the boy replied, "I must say if I hadn't met you, I might.."

"Please don't say something like that," Kiichi interrupted when he noticed Izumi's face saddened again.

"Well, would you like some more cake?"

Izumi asked when he saw that all tarts and cakes on their table were almost gone.

His mother quickly added: "That's a good idea. Be a darling and get some more for us, won't you? It's a rare opportunity that sensei allows us to treat him."

Her son got up from the table willingly. And when he was at the counter talking to a waitress, his mother continued softly, "Sensei.."

"I'm very pleased to see him happy like this. But I'm not sure if he'd get too attached to you and make you feel uneasy.."

"No, I honestly never feel that way. I'm actually the one asking him to come over and spend time with me. I enjoy his company a lot. He's like a younger brother to me."

"I can't help being worried because he used to be so close to Takamiya-san-- his friend. That man was so nice and always took care of him just like you do now, but when he died Izumi was completely lost. That's why his father and I are concerned that this may make him too dependent on you."

"I understand that, but I don't think Izumi sees me as Takamiya-san's substitute.”

“As I said, he's sensible and got his own strength from within. I just gave him a little advice and support, which would have been useless had he not determined to make this change himself."

"Mrs. Sakashita, I know Izumi was very distraught because of his friend's sudden death, but please have trust in him that he's capable of standing on his own even without my help."

"I'm relieved to hear that. As long as this is not too much trouble for you, I hope you don't mind having him under your care. You seem like the only one he opened up to after Takamiya-san's death."

Mrs. Sakashita gave him a hopeful smile.

"That will be my pleasure indeed," said Kiichi, bowing his head slightly.  
  
  
  
  
Izumi began to look forward to visiting Kiichi every Sunday. It was good to get to know Kiichi and Haruomi more and more each time. They both are wonderful people.

And somehow, he managed to figure out that Haruomi was not just a householder of Aoe mansion to Kiichi..

He liked to see Kiichi giving Haruomi a mischievous look when he thought Izumi was not looking, and also that subtly gentle facial expression of Haruomi's which automatically appeared when 'sensei' was around.

He was glad to be a witness of these little charming moments. He too used to be in love and remembered how beautiful the feeling was..

"Izumi," Kiichi said when Izumi seemed lost in his own thoughts. "What is it?"

"Oh, nothing." He smiled. Yes, now it's a lot easier for him to smile. "I'm just happy to see Haruomi-san and you.."

Then he paused, not knowing if it was appropriate to say something about their relationship.

"Haruomi and I.. what?" Kiichi asked with a straight face, although his mind was working on how to play this prank..

"Well, it's obvious that you two care a lot for each other.."

"And may I ask what do you mean by that?" his voice hardened.

"No, I don't mean to.. I apologise if I've said something brute," Izumi spluttered. Could that all be his own imagination? How imprudent of him to say that. He shouldn't have..

"Haruomi!!"

Kiichi stormed off, calling his butler who was dusting bookshelves in a reading room nearby, "Can you come here for a moment? Izumi suspects there's something weird going on between us!"

Izumi almost fainted, "Sensei, I didn't say that!"

But it was too late because Haruomi was already entering the room where they were sitting.

"What is the matter?", he asked calmly.

Kiichi looked at Izumi, folded his arms over the chest.

"We've got a problem here. This young man said something ambiguous and it really bothers me."

"What's ambiguous?"

Haruomi stepped closer and stood on the other side. So they both encircled him as if they wanted to prevent him from escaping.

"He said it's obvious that we care a lot for each other, which is totally unacceptable," Kiichi sent out an aura of a gangster, and it was good enough to make Izumi lose countenance.

"I see," said Haruomi. His face was unreadable as always, so Izumi could never tell what to expect.

"Just imagine what damage he would cause us had someone overheard. Should I show him that he's not supposed to say something like that again?"

Kiichi's eyes met Haruomi's.

"As you see fit," the tallest man replied and crossed his arms too. And that intimidated Izumi even more because he did not mean to offend them at all!

"Izumi..," Kiichi said as he grabbed the collar of the boy's shirt.

He might look delicate for a man, but with that sudden movement, Izumi knew he could be knocked down very easily. He almost went headlong if he did not try to keep his balance.

"I hope you'll learn your lesson. Now, look!"

The poor boy thought he was going to be hit, but Kiichi suddenly let go of his collar and turned to ***kiss*** Haruomi on his lips.

".....!....."

For a few seconds Izumi was staring dumbfound. And when their lips parted, Kiichi turned around with his poker face on.

"For your information, we have passed the stage of just caring for each other a million years ago. You've underestimated our relationship, Izumi."

Izumi was still stunned, both because of Kiichi's pretend bullying and their display of affection that cleared up any confusion he might have.

"Let me introduce him to you again then. This is Kashima Haruomi, my lover who happens to work as a householder here..”

“Izumi, how come your face looks as white as a paper? What's wrong?"

"I'm just.. I thought you two were going to punch me!!" Izumi stammered. "You really frightened me, sensei!"

Kiichi bursted out laughing.

"Izumi, you were really scared of us?" he asked, smiled broadly. His little devil tail was waggling behind.. with contentment.

Haruomi was also smiling. He knew from the start Kiichi wanted to trick Izumi for fun. He felt a bit sorry for Izumi and would like to signal him that this all was just a joke. But for Kiichi's sake, he had to tag along to make it convincing.

"I genuinely was! I thought you were really upset. I nearly stopped breathing," Izumi sighed, his hand clasped his own shirt. Gee! They almost gave him a heart attack. After all these years, he was still panic-stricken as ever.

"You even said this would cause damage if someone overheard.."

"Of course it would do damage to us! They would have thought we’ve turned into an old boring couple who stay together for the sake of companionship, not passionately and madly in love with each other as we really are.."

"Oh, sensei..," he groaned.

"I'm going back to my work," said Haruomi, still smiling. It was not his nature to do these silly things. But what else can he do when his lover was a born trickster?

"So.. should I change my occupation and become an actor instead?" Kiichi grinned as he asked Izumi.

"Not only you would be successful, but you'd also win an Academy Award!" replied Izumi with confidence.  
  
  
  
  
"It's almost your lunchtime. I'd better take my leave."

"It seems I can never convince you to have lunch with us..," Kiichi remarked.

"I've stayed long enough, and I suppose you want to spend time with your family too." Izumi gave his reasons.

"I hope it's not because you're afraid of Reiji biting you?" the elder brother leaned closer, looking at him in the eyes. Having lunch at Aoe mansion on Sunday would mean he had to meet Reiji.

"Of course not," he quickly said. "I only think it's time I should be going. That's all."

"All right then. Thought you'd still try to avoid him. Reiji told me there was no love lost between you two when Takamiya was around."

Izumi did not make any comment on that. But somehow he was surprised to know Reiji was talking about him.

"I'll let you go on one condition."

"What can I do for you, sensei?" Izumi smiled.

"Will you be free this Wednesday evening?"

"I suppose so, yes."

"Good! So you're not going on a date with anyone. It's Valentine's Day on Wednesday, you see."

Izumi blushed. Who on earth will he go on a date with?!?

"Please come to see me then. Let's have dinner together."

"But don't you want to be alone with Haruomi-san?"

He just said they were still passionately in love with each other after all..

"Well, I'm inviting you for dinner only. And I presume you're not planning to stay with us all night, are you?"

Izumi could not help blushing again when Kiichi said that so plainly. He did not know the other side of this calm and caring doctor would be so open and naughty!

"So, do I have you as my dinner guest this Wednesday or not?"

"Yes."

"Promise?"

Izumi nodded, "I 'll certainly come on Wednesday."

"Good."

Kiichi said happily and let him go.

That morning, Izumi left Aoe mansion feeling light-hearted. He smiled when he thought about Kiichi and Haruomi. So they were a couple indeed..

This coming Wednesday would be the first time he going out on Valentine's Day since Takamiya had died. Usually, he would hurry home and locked himself up in the bedroom.

It hurt too much just to see the decoration of hearts and cupids in shops everywhere he went. They all reminded him of Takamiya who had always been sentimental and affectionate. Because when he was alive, he would pester Izumi to celebrate this occasion and make him accept his tokens of love.

Probably sensei did not want him to be lonely on the day people supposed to stay with their special one. How thoughtful..

And how fortunate he was to have met someone like Aoe Kiichi.  
  
  
  
  
Came Wednesday evening..

Izumi stood hesitating in front of a gourmet chocolate shop located in the city centre. It had been a long time since he had come here.

He used to get these luxurious sweets for Takamiya on various special occasions, but after the man had gone he never wanted to buy them as a present for anyone again.

Today, however, he thought it would be nice to bring Kiichi something. That doctor was so kind to invite him for dinner, and this would be the least he could do to show his appreciation.

Izumi selected a big box of imported Belgian dark chocolate and asked the shopkeeper to wrap it up beautifully. Then he headed to Aoe Mansion as he had been looking forward to all day.

Somehow, Valentine's Day this year seemed a little bit more cheerful for him, even though he still missed Takamiya..

_'Izumi, why don't you pop some chocolates into my mouth?'_

_'Hey, I did you a favour by giving you chocolates on Valentine's Day already. If you don't know how to eat them yourself then that's too bad.'_

_He ignored Takamiya who tried to snuggle up close, his eyes fixed on the video game he was concentrating on._

_'Come on, don't be so cruel to me. What's the harm in feeding your lover some sweets? I'll try my best not to lick your fingers..'_

Now, those special moments would remain only as memories..

Izumi brushed away the sad thoughts and tried to brighten up when he arrived at Aoe's place. He was rather surprised to see the man greeting him was not Haruomi.

"Oh, you must be Izumi-san," the man even knew his name.

"I'm Kashima Shuuhei, Haruomi's younger brother. I'm another householder of the Aoe family."

"Good evening. Nice to meet you, Kashima-san."

Izumi said politely. Now he remembered the name 'Shuuhei', for both Kiichi and Haruomi mentioned it quite constantly. This was the first time he met him nonetheless.

"I also work as B&B's head secretary and Reiji-sama's personal assistance. I stayed mostly in the western wing. That's why we never had the chance to meet before."

Shuuhei introduced himself further.

"I see."

Izumi never understood why lately, whenever someone mentioned Reiji's name, he felt really strange. It always gave him a pang of indescribable feeling. Thus secretly he would rather not hear anyone talking about the second son of the Aoe family, but it was inevitable when Izumi was walking in that very person's house.

"We'll be having dinner at the hall this evening. But please come to the reading room for now. Kiichi-sama is waiting there."

Shuuhei excused himself as Izumi stood there, knocking on the study's door.

"Come on in." He heard Kiichi's voice.

Izumi opened the door, about to give Kiichi a smile.

"Good evening, sensei. I.."

His smile suddenly vanished when he found out Kiichi was not the only person in that reading room..

".........."

It took a while before Izumi could articulate himself, and managed to say something.

"Good.. good evening, Aoe-san."

Even so, he did not dare to look at Aoe Reiji directly.

"Izumi, I'm so glad to have you with us this evening. Don't just stand there. Make yourself comfortable and sit by the fireplace. You must be cold."

Kiichi said as if nothing happened. His eyes had those naughty sparkles as always.

When Izumi would still not budged, Reiji, who was sitting on the long couch in front of the fireplace, could not help nagging the boy.

"I suppose your guest is nearly freezing to death. It's obvious he cannot move."

Kiichi gave his little brother a sharp look before taking Izumi's hand.

"Come on. Let me take your coat and sit here like a good boy. I promise my brother won't bite you. I'm keeping an eye on him."

Annoyed by his brother's overt gesture to please Izumi, Reiji looked the other way. For crying out loud, who would want anything to do with this childish brat!

Izumi eventually sat at the other end of the couch. And before Kiichi walked away, he hurriedly gave the chocolate box to him.

"This is for you, sensei."

"Izumi, you shouldn't have. This must have cost you a lot of money..," Kiichi took it into his hands, "But thank you for your thoughtfulness. I'll surely enjoy these."

Then Reiji's mobile phone rang, so he got up from the couch as he answered his phone and left the room. Kiichi took that opportunity to quickly sit down next to Izumi and asked softly..

"I'm sorry I haven't told you that Reiji would be here too. Hope you aren't too surprised?"

"I'm a little, but it's all right. It's just that.."

"It's just what?"

"I just thought he wouldn't be here on weekdays…"

"It's my place. I can come here anytime I like, can’t I?"

Reiji's resonant voice interrupted their secret conversation.

"And if Kiichi could invite you to his birthday dinner, it's natural that he’d invite his own brother too."

Izumi turned around with surprise, automatically grabbed Kiichi's sleeve as if in need of finding something to hold on to. How come Reiji finished his talking on the phone so quickly?

"It's a rare occasion Reiji would choose me over his work. Something like this happens only a few times a year, Izumi.", Kiichi smiled.

"Is it your birthday today, sensei?" asked Izumi. "I'm sorry I haven't brought a proper gift for you.."

"You needn't to. Just keep smiling and be happy for me. That's what I want the most."

Reiji went silent. All of sudden, the sight saddened him. The boy sitting next to Kiichi was supposed to be Naoya. But now there was someone else taking his lover boy's place.

"I'll go and wait in the hall," he said briefly and walked out of the room

Izumi looked at Kiichi. The boy's eyes told him that he was worried, doubting if he was just an uninviting guest after all..

"It's all right," Kiichi said gently as if he could read Izumi's mind.

"Reiji knew from the start that you would be coming. So if he wished to avoid you, he wouldn't have come here tonight, would he? Don't take the way he reacts too seriously. He's just easily irritated but never means to make anyone feel uneasy."

"Believe me, we all want you to be with us tonight."

"Of course, I believe you."

Izumi gave Kiichi a soft smile, although deep down inside he still was not so certain.  
  
  
  
  
Generally, whenever Reiji came home, the Aoe brothers would have their meal in private, while Shuuhei and Haruomi would have their dinner only after they had finished serving them.

But if it was a special celebration like Christmas or New Year's Day, they all would join together, and Kiichi's birthday was also one of such occasions. Therefore, fine traditional Japanese cuisine was prepared for five people at the dining table that evening.

Kiichi was sitting at the head of the table. On his right was Reiji and Izumi was on his left. Next to them were Shuuhei and Haruomi who sat opposite each other.

"Thank you for the meal.", Izumi said hesitantly when he saw Kiichi gave him another reassuring smile.

"Please," Kiichi replied as he gently pushed the beautifully painted wooden box filled with maki sushi towards Izumi.

"Reiji, I hope you won't feel I'm neglecting you tonight. I can't help giving all my attention to Izumi. He's our guest and he's cuter than you in many ways," the eldest son teased his brother.

Reiji said nothing, but he did not look upset or annoyed either. He even seemed more at ease than when he was in the reading room..

Soon, the atmosphere started to get more cheerful when Kiichi kept teasing everyone around the table. Even though Izumi was a little nervous at first, he soon found himself laughed softly when the doctor said funny things about Reiji and his own 'butler'.

"Reiji used to come home crying because he lost his pencil at the nursery school. Can you imagine that, Izumi?"

"Quiet, Kiichi," Reiji frowned, but Izumi could see the man was blushing.

"I remembered trying to console my little brother by giving him a brand new one. But that wouldn't do because he told me he only wanted the one with the blue rabbit! Hahaha!!"

Izumi could not help giggling, but when he realised Reiji was looking at him quietly he stopped.

For some unknown reasons, his heart sank and he felt as if he had done something wrong. Right, no one would want to see a kid laughing at him. He must have crossed the line.

Strangely enough, he chose to blame himself rather than confronting Reiji like he used to. He did not know why. And from that moment he just kept looking down and did not dare to look at Reiji again.

"Izumi, there's just one piece of maki sushi left. Please take it."

Kiichi told him kindly when he noticed the wooden box in front of him was almost empty. The birthday boy had put his own chopsticks down a long while, which meant he already had enough.

"It's all right, sensei. I've had plenty of maki sushi tonight," he refused, thought it would be rude to accept that last piece of delicious maki sushi.

"Don't be so stubborn. I know you like it," Kiichi still insisted.

Izumi thought of putting down his chopsticks to show that he had finished his meal, so he could avoid this awkward moment.

Reiji looked at Izumi briefly then turned away with annoyance. But just when Izumi was about to put down his chopsticks, that last piece of maki sushi was brought to his plate.. with Reiji's chopsticks.

"Just do as told, will you?"

Kiichi's brother stared at him for a long time, as if he wanted to make sure Izumi would eat that piece of maki sushi.

"I thought you would pick it up for yourself!" Kiichi teased Reiji again, "Now you must really have it Izumi, or else this would hurt Reiji's good intention.."

Izumi looked down.

He picked that maki sushi up, trying to hold back the tears which suddenly filled up the brim of his eyes..

Apart from his own parents, in this world he thought Takamiya would be the only one offering him the last piece of sushi willingly.  
  
  
  
  
"Sensei, thank you so much for the dinner," Izumi thanked the host when it was time to go home, "I really enjoy myself tonight, and a very happy birthday to you."

Kiichi's eyes brightened. "Thank you. I'm so glad you had a good time with us. Hope we can do this more often."

"It's quite late. Perhaps Haruomi should drive you home.." the doctor suggested.

"That's very kind of you, but there's no trouble going home on my own at this hour. So I suppose we don't need to inconvenience Haruomi-san.."

"You would never let anyone look after you, would you?" Kiichi shook his head slightly, sighed.

"Stop arguing, you two."

Someone cut in.

"I'm going back to my apartment. He can come with me," said Reiji.

"I need to check my e-mail first. You wait here. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Reiji looked at Izumi then walked back to the reading room.

Izumi swallowed hard. What an autocrat! That man did not even bother to ask if he wanted to go with him or not.

_I should have let Haruomi-san drive me home. That would be much better.._

"Now, that's my little brother. He can be kind and helpful if he wants to," Kiichi smiled proudly. "It's late and your place's a long way from here. It makes sense to let Reiji give you a lift."

Izumi just did not know what to say.  
  
  
  
  
"Haruomi.."

Kiichi said as they were sitting in the hot tub, and he let Haruomi scrubbed his back gently with a sponge.

"Do you feel I have made both Reiji and Izumi uneasy in any way?"

"What makes you think that?"

Haruomi turned that delicate body around to face him.

"Well, you know my brother is one of the most difficult men to read. So sometimes even I can't tell if he was upset or not."

"And I noticed tears in Izumi's eyes at the dining table. Don't know if I've done anything to trigger his sad past..

"When Naoya came here to have a meal with us for the first time, that boy cried even before we started eating too."

"Tears do not always signify sadness. One can also cry because of overwhelming happiness, or because he was deeply moved or touched," Haruomi explained slowly.

"Besides, didn't Izumi told you just before he left that he really enjoyed himself?"

"Yes, he did," Kiichi murmured, feeling better when Haruomi calmed all his worries.

"See?"

Haruomi softly brushed back Kiichi's wet hair on his forehead. "You've done your best to make sure everyone's happy. True, Reiji hardly ever shows his feelings, but his silence doesn't mean he was displeased either. I'm quite certain he too had a good time tonight."

"I hope so," Kiichi pressed his soft lips on Haruomi's palm. Those lovely pair of dark eyes looked deep into Haruomi's..

"Cast away all your concerns for a while. Today's your birthday. You should celebrate it with joy. I would like to see you a little more self-indulgent and self-absorbed."

"It would be even better if you could just think about us.. or about me."

Kiichi rested his arms on Haruomi's strong shoulders.

"Right, it's my birthday."

That beautiful face was only an inch away from him..

"And you still haven't given me a birthday present."

"Just tell me what you want." Haruomi drew him close. He could feel Kiichi's chest burning on his.

"What have you got for me?" A boyish smile appeared at the corner of Kiichi's mouth..

"Anything you could ever want," whispered Haruomi.  
  
  
  
  
Izumi had been quiet since he got in Reiji's car. He never thought he would have the chance to be in this car again, and this brought back the memories of many years ago..

_'What are you doing here? You said you would see him tonight. No, you must come with me right now!!'_

_'Who do you think you are to toy with my friend's feelings? If you're not going to be serious about this, just tell him so. Why do you keep raising his expectation if you feel it’s disgusting to be with a man?!?'_

He remembered how frightening Reiji was. He seemed like a mad man to him those days.

Yes, that happened when he was not sure about his feelings for Takamiya. He liked Takamiya a lot, but he was too young to accept that. A part of him kept pushing the idea away, thinking it would be wrong to be with someone of the same sex. Yet Takamiya was ever so kind and nice to him that he could not walk away.

And that night when Reiji dragged him all the way to Takamiya, it was the first time he realised how strong his feelings for Takamiya were.

Reiji's madness that night was in fact a blessing in disguise. Had it not been because of him, he would probably keep running away and never be with Takamiya.

"Where's your place?" Reiji asked, interrupting the long silence since they had left the Aoe mansion.

"You can just drop me off at the nearest train station. I.."

"I want to know where your place is, not where you want me to drop you off."

"..........."

Reiji was still so blunt and tactless as always!

He thought it would be easier for Reiji to just let him continue the rest of the journey by train, so the man would not have to drive all the way to his house.

Izumi had to tell Reiji where his house was eventually.

"Good. It's on the way to my apartment.", said Reiji.

Afterwards he did not speak a word till they had reached Izumi's house.

"Thank you very much for the lift."

Izumi turned to Reiji, who was about to light a cigarette.

He just nodded quietly, not saying anything.

"Good night, Aoe-san."

But as Izumi was getting out of the car, Reiji added: "Come round to see Kiichi again, won't you?"

"I will," the boy answered softly.

Izumi's face grew hot all of sudden.. despite the cold weather outside.  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka.

  
  
  
That night..

Izumi was still staring in the dark, even though he had turned off the light and been trying to sleep for some time.

He no longer had a lover on this year's Valentine's Day. Still, it felt so special, probably because he was so warmly welcomed at the Aoe mansion.

He used to be so scared of getting close to anyone again, but Kiichi's sincerity and tenderness had broken down his wall and gently defeated him. Haruomi and Shuuhei were also trying their best to make him feel at ease.

And even the person he dreaded to face the most..

'Takamiya-san,' he thought to himself. 'Please don't forget to look after your best friend. He somehow looks so sad and lonely..'

Izumi closed his eyes, sighed, and slowly fell asleep.

Little did he know the brightest star on the sky that night twinkled for a long while, as if someone was listening to his wish..  
  
  
  
  
Reiji frowned.

It was quite strange to see one of those stars suddenly sparkled.

Probably someone would have his wish come true tonight?

That lucky man would not possibly be him anyway. Reiji thought sadly as he looked away from the window.

He still had not even changed his clothes. The sole heir of the Aoe family was sitting on his bed-- smoking. The bedroom door was left open ajar, and he could see the cat sleeping soundly in the dark.

When he was younger, he never thought Valentine's Day was so important. It would be special only because it was Kiichi's birthday, but not because he felt the need to celebrate it for other reasons.

The time he shared with Shiki was too short to think about Valentine's Day. Still, all of that changed when Naoya came to his life, for that loving boy made him acknowledge the softer side of himself.

They spent their first Valentine in the hospital. He still had to recuperate after a car accident just before Christmas. Naoya was always there by his side, doing all he could to make him feel comfortable.

On that day, Kiichi gave them both a big box of chocolates, and Reiji still remembered when the boy tried to peel off thin foil wrapping around a small piece of chocolate very carefully. It took so long that he could not help feeling irritated.

'Why don't you just let me do that for you?'

Annoyed, he took it from Naoya's hand, 'What's so difficult about peeling this off? You're afraid of hurting it or what? See how easy it is?', Reiji asked as he handed it back to Naoya.

'Open your mouth.'

Yes, he sometimes instinctively treated Naoya like a child. But the boy never seemed to mind and always did as told.

Naoya chewed it quietly, looked down, and seemed a little unhappy.

'Now what's that face for?'

Reiji asked. Could it be he gave Naoya the impression he was upset with him?

'I'm just.. a little angry at myself.', replied Naoya.

'What do you mean?..'

'Aoe-san, I didn't mean to frustrate you. I did it so slowly only because I didn't want to leave any scratch on it. The piece you just gave to me was meant to be yours. That's why I wanted it to be.. perfect.'

The boy told him and blushed.

Little things Naoya had said and done such as this always found its way to his heart, and Reiji could do nothing but embracing them willingly. This boy had a magical way to mellow him.

'You don't have to, really,' his voice softened.

'Sweets are not for me. Have as much as you like.'

Only Naoya could show him how special Valentine's Day could be when lovers were together, and only that boy too could show him how painful it turned out to be when he was left to celebrate it all alone.  
  
  
  
  
Winter faded away as the weather was getting gradually warmer. Soon, Izumi could notice the new leaves of springtime budding from trees everywhere he went.

He still led his life as usual - going to the university as well as starting to socialise with his friends more. Although things were not exactly the same, for the first time he felt he could accept the truth and learn to move on.

Perhaps Takamiya was up there somewhere, trying to cheer him up and send him support as always. He knew Takamiya would always want him to be happy.

"Sakashita," Toku, one of his friends said while there were eating together at the canteen. "You're actually fun to be with."

"Huh?" Izumi's hands stopped short. He was going to give that cream bun a good bite but was taken surprised by that unexpected remark from Toku.

"So what kind of first impression did I have on you?"

"You seemed aloof. I thought you'd never hang out with anyone like this."

Toku must have gotten that impression when it was Izumi's first year at university. Then, he still could not get over him in any way. It was good enough he could study and pass exams each semester.

"Now you know I'm not what I seemed. Feel any better?", he smiled.

"Yeah. By the way, have you ever joined any club.. any activity?", Toku asked.

"Never since I got into this university," Izumi chewed slowly and continued. "I always missed the chance when they recruited new members"

"Well, I'm in Kyudo club and we're still looking for more people. I'm wondering if you'd be interested.."  
(Kyudo - Japanese archery)

"I'm sorry, Toku.", Izumi quickly said, "I've never practised martial arts before. As a matter of fact, I'm always terrible in all sports and games. You'd better find someone else."

"But that's not a problem! You can learn with us. I too didn't have any clue about 'the way of the bow'. But since I joined the club, I've learned a lot more and am improving little by little."

"You can just come and give it a try. Then I'll leave the decision to you if you want to join our club or not."

Izumi did not know what to say when he saw Toku's hopeful look. He just knew the thought of holding the bow intimidated him already.  
  
  
  
  
"I'd say that is an excellent idea, Izumi."

Kiichi said after Izumi told him about Toku's persuasion.

"Practising Kyudo will make you strong both physically and mentally. You've no idea how this can transform you if you take it seriously."

"But I'm never good at these things..", Izumi sighed.

"Besides, others had begun practising since the beginning of the semester. If I joined them now, I would be the only one left behind."

"You mustn’t let pessimism discourage you like that. It's wrong to give up before giving it a try.", Kiichi disagreed.

"I advise you to try once. And if you like it but feel there'd be too much pressure to be the only beginner there, you can come here and practise with us to improve your skill."

Izumi's eyes widened..

"Here? You mean.. you practise Kyudo too?"

"Everybody here was trained for all kinds of martial arts, but we have different proficiencies. I'm not the best archer of Aoe family, but I think I can still give you basic training."

"All kinds of martial arts, wow!" Izumi was amazed.

"And what's your proficiency, sensei?"

"I prefer Jujitsu.", Kiichi meant the arts which was specialised in unarmed methods of dealing with an enemy who was armed, "Reiji's very good in Iaido, while Shuuhei has shown a strong interest in Aikido since he was a child."

"And Haruomi-san?", Izumi kept asking. He was really impressed.

"Oh, that one..," Kiichi grinned, "I suppose his strength lies in Ninjitsu skills."

If Izumi was sitting on a chair, he would surely fall off! This family was a secret organization of underworld or what!?!

The smile still had not faded from Kiichi's face, as he recalled the time when they were only two teenagers training together.

"I used to tease and pester him to show me how to jump over the wall."

"Did it take long till he can do that?" Izumi believed wholeheartedly.

Kiichi rolled his eyes.

"Izumi, that's a myth! Actual Ninjitsu practitioners just learn the skills to reach their enemy or target despite the complications. Those being depicted so fancifully are only in movies."

"Oh.."

"Anyway, you should try Kyudo at the club first, then we can work on developing your skill together here. We still have all the equipment somewhere. You can even take one of our bows home if you like.", Kiichi offered.

"No, thank you. I'm sure I can use what's available at the club."

Izumi politely declined. A typical Kyudo bow would be about 2 metres tall and cost a lot. He would not dare to just take it along. What if he damaged the bow or lost it on the way home? 

"So you will go to the club and try, won't you?" Kiichi repeated. His eyes sparkled again, "I really hope you'll enjoy it."

"I hope so too."

Kiichi's encouragement gave him more confidence, and to know that everyone in the Aoe family was capable in martial arts inspired him even more.

"I'll let you know how the session goes, sensei."  
  
  
  
  
"Has Izumi left already?"

Haruomi asked as he noticed Kiichi was the only one left in the living room.

"Yes, he's gone for some time.", Kiichi answered, still lying on his side on the couch.

"Do you have any idea where we keep our bows?"

"I've got to ask Shuuhei where exactly. But I'm sure they all are kept in the western wing." Haruomi raised his eyebrow a little. "Why? Do you want to revive your Kyudo skill?"

"Not really. I may have to encourage Izumi to practise Kyudo, so I'm asking just in case.."

"If he needs any advice in Kyudo, you know there's someone who's really good at this," Haruomi implied.

"I was thinking about him too. Actually, it would be even better if that person agreed to help me train Izumi."

There was one thing Kiichi still had not told Izumi.

The only person who was exceptionally good at Kyudo, the best archer of the family whose skill was accepted by the oldest Kyudo federation in Japan was..

Aoe Reiji.  
  
  
  
  
"So.." Toku came to Izumi right after he had finished his first trial session. "How do you find Kyudo?"

"It wasn't as scary as I thought. But today I'm learning only very fundamental things. I had the chance to touch the bow properly only once," said Izumi.

"The first lessons are always like that. Anyway, do you feel like learning more about it?"

"I still don't know.", Izumi hesitated, "The final exams are near, and soon it will be our vacation. I probably come again to practise. But I don't think I'll join as a member till the next academic year."

"That's entirely up to you.", Toku smiled. He was pleased that Izumi had shown some interest. "You're always welcome here."

"Thanks."

"I'll be seeing Shikara and others from our faculty after I finish the club activity. Come and join us if you like. We'll go get something to eat."

"Sure," replied Izumi.

Since he got to know Kiichi, he no longer hesitated to reach out to people. Gradually, that lively, easy-going boy whom Takamiya had fallen for had come back..  
  
  
  
  
"Aoe speaking."

"Reiji, I can't believe you're still in your office. It's almost midnight!"

"I've still got work to do.", said Reiji, "You call to give me a lecture on how to live a healthy life again?"

His eyes fixed on the computer screen, paying attention to every detail of the document.

"You know I've stopped doing that a long time ago. You never listened to me anyway," Kiichi sighed.

"What make you ring me then?"

"I've to ask you about the bows. I may need to use them and Shuuhei told me you've kept them somewhere. So I wonder if I could borrow your bows."

Although they were brothers, Kiichi never took the liberty of going into Reiji's bedroom or intruding on his private space.

"What bows? You mean the Kyudo bows?"

"Yes."

"Of course, just take them. They're in my bedroom."

Reiji did not even bother to ask why Kiichi would suddenly want to use the bows. His brother always came up with new ideas just like a naughty young boy. Nothing his brother did could surprise him anymore.

"Thank you. I won't keep you long then. Don't stay up too late, all right?"

"Ok. Good night, Kiichi."

He put the phone down and concentrated on the paperwork once again.  
  
  
  
  
"So Izumi-san, how did you like Kyudo?"

Haruomi asked Izumi the first thing when he met him the following Sunday.

"I quite like it. I consider joining the club next year, too. But for now, I've to prepare for my exams."

"Kiichi-sama must be pleased to hear that.", the householder of Aoe-mansion said as they reached the living room.

"Izumi.." Kiichi got up to greet him eagerly. "You like Kyudo, don't you?"

"Well, yes.. I do.", he replied, a bit puzzled when he noticed everyone's excitement.

"Good. Haruomi, please show Izumi where to change his clothes"

"Change my clothes? But why, sensei?"

"Because we all will change into our practice uniform."

"Now? Practise Kyudo?"

"Certainly. Hurry up, Izumi. We don't have a lot of time," Kiichi gently nudged Izumi to follow Haruomi. The boy obediently did as told, but still could not understand what was going on.

"Kiichi-sama is very happy that you'd shown interest in a new activity. So he's been looking forward to this all week. He really wants you to be good at it.", explained Haruomi when he saw Izumi's bewildered expression.

"But.. but I haven't learned anything about Kyudo at all. I was instructed on only the basic movements!"

"That's all right. We're happy to guide you as long as you're willing to learn. Kiichi-sama is determined to train you himself. Here's your practice uniform. I presume you know how to tie your hakama?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then I'll have to excuse myself to attend Kiichi-sama. We'll be waiting for you at the front lawn."  
  
  
  
  
Reiji looked through the bamboo blind in his bedroom with surprise.

Although he got rather accustomed to Izumi's presence in the Aoe mansion, this was the first time he saw the boy in a practice uniform.

Then, entered Shuuhei with his breakfast.

"Kashima.." he looked away from the window. "What's going on out there?"

Shuuhei put down the wooden tray and replied, "Kiichi-sama will be practising Kyudo with Izumi-san. I've heard that Izumi-san has developed an interest in martial arts"

Now Reiji understood why his brother needed to use those bows.  
  
  
  
  
"Izumi, your left arm must be straightened before you release the bow."

Kiichi tried to adjust his posture.

"And don't move forward when you raise the bow. Keep your footing at the same position."

"Yes, sensei."

Izumi listened to everything Kiichi told him. This family must be gifted with skills in martial arts. Despite the fact that Kyudo was not Kiichi's strength, he could still draw and release the bow with elegance, exactly like the model displayed in books.

"Try again, Izumi."

He practised the basic sequence of movements known as 'Hassetsu' again, and this time Kiichi nodded satisfyingly.

"Good. We still have to work on the way you hold the bow, but it's enough for today. Have I exhausted you?"

"Not at all, sensei. It's good to let my mind focus on this, rather than let it wandering to something else."

Izumi thought of the time when he used to think of nothing but Takamiya. That drained him even more than a two-hour of intense Kyudo practice.

"I may have pushed you too hard today. But if you really like Kyudo, you can always come over and practise here. Even when I'm not around, Haruomi will always be here to give you some guidance."

"Thank you. That's very generous of you. But I intend to tell you I'll be absent for a while to prepare for my exams. I haven't done very well at all since I started university. And now that I can get myself back on track, I'd like to do my best to make up for the first year."

“Oh..”

Kiichi was a little disappointed when he heard that. Having Izumi visited him every Sunday had become something he looked forward to each weekend, but he also understood.

"I see.."

"Take your time and prepare well for your exams then. But please come back after they're over. Don't just disappear."

"Sensei, there's no way I'd disappear. I really want to keep on practising Kyudo. While I’m preparing for exams, I'll give you a ring every Sunday if you don't mind."

"That will be nice. I'd love to hear from you. Please do your best. You have our encouragement."  
  
  
  
  
Reiji was already waiting at the table when Kiichi came to the dining room.

"Reiji!" he exclaimed.

"It's quite unusual you got here before me at lunchtime. Are you that hungry?"

"No." Reiji replied. "I just saw you practised Kyudo.."

"Ah.." Kiichi smiled. "With the skill I possess, do I deserve to use your bow?"

He knew every bow that belonged to Reiji was custom-ordered and painfully expensive.

"Yes, you do. I've nothing to criticise," his younger brother replied before continued thoughtfully. "But if only that boy could be a little more concentrated, he would probably do much better.."

Reiji paused before he could finish the sentence, surprised at himself.

Since when had he started to pay that much attention to Izumi?  
  
  
  
  
Since that day, Izumi had studied very hard for his exams. He wanted to prove to himself that he could do it, as well as making his loved ones proud of him.

It was almost one in the morning when Izumi decided to close his textbook. He put the pen down tiredly after having spent the whole evening making notes to revise the lessons. The only light in his room came from his table lamp, and when he looked up he could see the photograph of Takamiya smiling at him.

He could still feel Takamiya's tenderness just looking into those eyes..

"Please send me your support, Takamiya-san"

"I was never good at English until I met you. Because of you, I've grown to like this subject and finally chose it as my major. If you were still here with me, you would be so pleased.."

Izumi touched that photograph softly, just like when he used to caress his lover's face while he was sleeping..

"I want you to be proud of me. I want to be skilful yet so humble and gentle, exactly like you."  
  
  
  
  
"Sensei.."

Izumi rang Kiichi the night before his exams.

"My finals start tomorrow. I want to thank you for the encouragement you've given to me."

"Not at all. I just want you to believe in yourself that you can do it," said Kiichi. "Are you well-prepared?"

"I think I am. From now on I just need to do my very best."

"Haruomi and I wish you success. We hope your effort will be fruitful. I also look forward to seeing you again very soon."

"Certainly. I'll be visiting you as usual after the exams."

"Take care," said Kiichi as he ended the conversation, and handed the cordless phone back to Haruomi.

"Was that Izumi?" asked Reiji. He was sitting with his brother in the reading room.

"Yes, that was him."

"That kid hasn't shown up around here for a while. Probably he was afraid of you making him practise Kyudo again?" he said, lighting his cigarette.

"Says who? For your information, he hasn't come here because he needed to concentrate on his study. His exams start tomorrow."

"Really?" Reiji exclaimed in disbelief.

"I never thought he'd be the studious type. I don't even know where and what he's studying.."

Takamiya might have mentioned that before, but he never paid attention.

Reiji was quite impressed when Kiichi told him Izumi was studying in a prestigious private university.

"He's majoring in English."

Reiji did not ask further, but he thought about Takamiya when he heard that.

That boy even studied the same subject as his late lover..  
  
  
  
  
When the final exams were over, Izumi returned to Aoe mansion as promised.

"I feel as if I haven't seen you for ages!", Kiichi gave Izumi a big hug, "How did the exams go?"

"I think I did all right, but it doesn't matter anymore. I'm just glad and relieved to have finished them. The result won't be announced until the next semester."

"Good. Don't forget to let me know about that too. I'm sure we'll have to congratulate you again when you know the result."

Izumi just smiled.

"I really miss coming to see you on Sunday.", he murmured, looked around Aoe residence as if it was his first time there.

"I feel the same. Getting phone calls is nice, but it's not as nice as seeing you face to face like this. Sometimes I wanted to ring you up too, but I wasn't sure if I would interrupt your study."

"How can you say that sensei? You're like a big brother to me," Izumi spoke sincerely.

"If you hadn't given me support all these times, I'd probably still be depressed and shut myself off from the rest of the world."

"Now let's not talk about the past. We should just be happy with the fact that your exams are over. By the way, do you still want to continue practising Kyudo?"

"Of course, if that's not too much trouble for you.."

"Never! Go and change into your practice uniform then. Haruomi must have prepared everything already.", said Kiichi enthusiastically.

He wanted this young man to become stronger, both physically and mentally.

Izumi had to go over the basic sequence of movements again. However, this time Kiichi noticed the boy's improvement after his first release of the bow. When practising Kyudo, each draw and each release could reflect the archer's emotion and mental clarity.

Although Izumi still had to practise a lot more, seemed he had the potential to become a fine archer.

After an hour of practice, they got back into the house, changed into their casual clothes, and had tea.

"I suppose you're on vacation until the end of August?"

"Yes, sensei."

"What are your plans?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't have any.", replied Izumi.

"Is that so?", Kiichi raised his eyebrows.

"Well, if that's the case, here's my suggestion.”

“Maybe you would like to consider coming here more often to practise Kyudo. Either Haruomi or I will always be here practising with you. You're about to get better and better, so it'd be ashamed if we let your skill go idle. What do you say?"

"That'd be very nice, sensei. I'd love to come over to practise if you're certain it doesn't inconvenience anyone."

"Of course not! Izumi, you know you should stop behaving like a guest from now on. Didn't you just say I'm like a big brother to you?"

When Haruomi turned up to join them, Kiichi asked his butler again just to reassure Izumi.

"That will be my pleasure, Izumi-san. I hope I will be of some help in your Kyudo practice," Haruomi confirmed.

"All right, so now everything's set."

Satisfied, Kiichi smiled at Izumi and offered him another cup of tea.  
  
  
  
  
Izumi visited the Aoe mansion more frequently as a result. Apart from his usual Sunday visit, he also came especially for Kyudo practice in the morning three days a week. Sometimes Kiichi would come home for lunch and invited Izumi to stay on, which he always accepted.

He no longer felt awkward or nervous hanging around in that house, at least as long as the second son of the family was not present.

Time did fly, and not so soon it was already mid-August. Izumi could feel the summer heat everywhere.

One Wednesday morning, Izumi came to practise Kyudo at Aoe mansion as planned. But when he saw Haruomi, he knew something must be wrong for that man was not in a practice uniform as he was supposed to.

"Please come inside, Izumi-san.", Haruomi invited him politely, but he could tell he was anxious.

"I just learned from the hospital that Kiichi-sama doesn't feel very well. I think I'll have to come over to see how he is."

"I really hope it's not something grave?" Izumi asked with concern.

"No. It's rather minor, but I should pick him up from the hospital."

"Please do. I'll come back some other day."

"No, please stay. Kiichi-sama has personally asked you to. Maybe we can still practise Kyudo in the afternoon."

"But Haruomi-san.."

"Please stay. Kiichi-sama expects to see you when he comes home. Meanwhile, feel free to practise on your own and use the equipment that I've prepared on the lawn."

"Well, if you say so, I'll wait here till sensei comes back."

"Kiichi-sama will be very pleased. I've to go now, Izumi-san. Please don't forget about the position of your footing while practise," Haruomi kindly reminded him before he left.

After Haruomi had gone, Izumi was still standing there, not quite sure what to do. Soon, however, he remembered what he was here for. So he started to practise Kyudo by himself even though he did not know if his sequence of movements was correct or not.

Now he could sometimes manage to direct the arrow to hit the target. Still, he always had a problem of exerting too much pressure when he raised the bow, and that really frustrated him.

Izumi sighed, felt like giving up. Seemed he never had any gift in martial arts or sports like other boys.

Then, all of sudden..

**"If you still hold the bow like that, you'll never hit the bull's eye in a million years!"**

Izumi startled. He quickly turned around to see where that voice was coming from.  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka.

Reiji was standing there right behind him.

_How come this person always appeared unexpectedly?_

"Is it so surprising to see me?", asked Reiji as he realised he had taken Izumi unaware.

"N.. no.", the boy stammered, "I thought I was the only one left here."

"I just got in."

"Uh.. how did you get it? No one opened the gate.."

"What a question. Of course, I've got a set of keys to get into my own house! Even you can be here practising kyudo."

The sole heir of the Aoe family lit his cigarette.

"Haruomi just called that he had to take Kiichi back from the hospital. I was already on my way here to get some books, so I thought I'd wait till my brother comes home."

Izumi blinked repetitively. This was actually the longest thing Reiji had ever spoken to him.

Reiji walked down the steps and joined him on the lawn.

"Try again. I want to see how you release the bow."

Those dark intense eyes fixed on him, and that made Izumi felt as if he was about to be sacrificed. He always found Reiji really intimidating.

"I was about to stop practising." Izumi tried to think of an excuse.

"I asked you to try again," Reiji folded his arms across his chest. His gesture meant he wouldn't let Izumi walk away.

"Quick!"

The novice archer swallowed hard, then he turned around and shoot. Again, the arrow almost missed the target.

Izumi could hear Reiji sighed. He stepped closer to Izumi and shook his head.

"Your standing posture was wrong from the very beginning, and also the way you hold the bow. Who taught you to slouch like this?" Reiji placed his palm on Izumi's back and pressed hard so it straightened. Then he moved his hands to pull his shoulders back.

'I never understood what Takamiya saw in this boy! After all these years he still looks clumsy and awkward as before.'

"Lift your bow up and mind your hand. Don't clench like that. Relax your palm and fingers a little. Now shoot again."

Izumi followed the instruction and tried, but it was not any better.

As an expert in Japanese archery, Reiji felt he must help Izumi make it right. This time he stood right behind the younger one and stretched his arms forward to hold the bow. His arms pressed against Izumi's, and Izumi could feel the heat from Reiji's palm that held the bow through his hand.

"Try to feel the way I hold this bow. It isn't exactly how we do it because your hand is in my way, but at least it should give you some guidance"

Reiji drew the bow with the hand that still had a cigarette placed between his fingers..

"Watch this."

Once the arrow was released from the bow, it flew swiftly and darted onto the very middle of the target!

"Understand?"

Izumi was really impressed.

"Wow, I didn't know you too practise kyudo!"

The man gently let go of both the bow and Izumi and said as he turned away:

"All the bows and other archery equipment in this house belong to me. Does that give you any idea?"

"Oh.."

Izumi's eyes followed that tall frame unconsciously, even when Reiji was already stepping into the mansion.

Somehow, the fragrance of his cologne and the smell of his cigarette were still there..  
  
  
  
  
"Sensei!"

Exclaimed Izumi when he saw Kiichi getting out of the car, supported by the arms of Haruomi.

"Sensei, are you all right?" Izumi asked with concern.

Kiichi forced a smile.

"Yes, I'm ok. Sorry, Haruomi couldn't help you with kyudo practice this morning.."

"Oh, sensei!" he cried. "That was not important at all.."

"Reiji?"

Kiichi was surprised to see his younger brother standing further away.

"Thought you've already gone back to the office."

"No, I want to stay and see how you are. Is it the same trouble?"

"Unfortunately, yes.." The face of the Aoe family's first-born started to turn pale.

"If you'll excuse us, I think Kiichi-sama needs to lie down quietly," Haruomi cut in the conversation, for he knew Kiichi now needed to rest quietly.

"You'd better hurry to prepare some hot water and medication. I'll take him instead," Reiji offered.

"Izumi.."

Kiichi reached out for the boy. Even at a time when he was terribly in pain, he still hadn't forgotten about him.

"I'm really sorry you had to wait this long for me. I wanted to spend time with you, but today I must take some rest first.."

He didn't know the pain would be this bad, else he wouldn't have asked Izumi to stay.

"Please don't worry about it, sensei. Rest well," replied Izumi sincerely as Reiji helped him walk towards the mansion's master bedroom.

While they were on their way, Kiichi almost sobbed when he felt that throbbing pain, but he quickly bit his lips not to let his voice out.

"Kiichi, is it that bad?"

"No, I'm just.."

But Reiji knew Kiichi wasn't the type to complain no matter how much he suffered, so the younger brother decided to sweep that delicate body into his arms. He'd rather carry Kiichi than allow him to walk limply all the way to the bedroom.

"Such a nuisance to you again, aren't I?" murmured Kiichi.

"Quiet," Reiji retorted. He could feel the heat of anger built up inside his chest, but Kiichi would not be the person he wanted to vent that anger on.

For those who were close to Kiichi, they all knew he could be attacked with this physical pain anytime and anywhere.

Reiji, in particular, had known the cause of this pain from the very start..  
  
  
  
  
Many years ago..

'Reiji..'

Kiichi's unusually hoarse voice called him so softly one afternoon. Reiji slowly opened the door and was shocked to see the state of his brother.

'Kiichi!!'

Kiichi collapsed there helplessly in front of Reiji's bedroom. His long silky hair was all in a tangle. His body trembled so badly.

'It hurts..'

Kiichi's hand clutched onto the joint of his shoulder and neck. He was crying.

'What's the matter?! Who did this to you? Kiichi.. who!?' Reiji raised his voice, tried to make Kiichi stand.

'Father..' then he collapsed and became unconscious.

'Kiichi!! Kiwa, get the doctor! Can you all hear me? Someone get the doctor!! Right now!!'

Young Reiji shouted at the top of his lung. He sat still, careful not to move as Kiichi was on his lap.

That was the day when Aoe Shougo hit Kiichi so severely that it broke his collarbone.

And although the fracture was completely healed, somehow the inexplicable pain came back to Kiichi now and then. Sometimes it even took a few days for the pain to fade away.

Reiji knew the pain would never be too much for Kiichi to bear, but he couldn't be too certain about the memories that came with it..

'Reiji is my only son and legitimate heir.'

That was Aoe Shougo's unyielding command.

'Kiichi may live under this roof, but his life, his soul and his every single breath must belong to me!'

As if fate hadn't been cruel enough, Kiichi was shot on the same shoulder the day he tried to rescue Naoya..  
  
  
  
  
It was already dusk when Kiichi woke up after a long uninterrupted sleep.

Still lying on the bed, he shifted slowly. He could still feel the pain but it wasn't so intense as before. Beside was Haruomi, sitting there with his usual sombre expression. Only his eyes told Kiichi how anxious he had been.

"Are you feeling any better?"

"Yes."

Kiichi replied softly. On his shoulder and chest, he could feel the heat of a hot towel soaked with traditional herbs that Haruomi believed would help alleviate the pain.

"What about Reiji and Izumi? Have they gone?"

"That's right. Izumi went home after you fell asleep. Reiji's just gone about half an hour ago."

Kiichi smiled faintly. That workaholic brother of his could leave the office that long for him. Now, that was really something.

"I'm glad the pain strikes in summer, though," Kiichi continued, trying to look on the brighter side. Because if it happened in winter, the climate would certainly worsen this suffering.

"But no matter what season it is, I never want to see you in pain," added Haruomi. It hurt even more when he must let his dearest one going through something unpleasant alone, with him not being able to do anything about it.

"Hey, don't give me that look."

Kiichi reached out for Haruomi's hand when he noticed the man's eyes saddened.

"I'm fine. I really am."  
  
  
  
  
Izumi visited him again the day after.

"Sensei, will it be all right if I come to see you every day till you fully recover?"

The boy asked earnestly. He wasn't aware that he had absorbed this trait of being caring and thoughtful from Takamiya, which now became an integral part of his characteristic.

"Won't you be bored sitting by my bed all day long?" the patient smiled lovingly.

"No, sensei. Even though I know Haruomi-san's already taking good care of you, I really want to keep you company, just like you used to do when I was in the hospital."

"I'll be very happy to have you then. But we can't possibly practise kyudo for now.."

"That's all right. I'd rather see you get well quickly more than anything else."

"Right, so I suppose you'll take the day shift and Haruomi the night shift then." Kiichi turned to Haruomi who was arranging flowers nearby, his eyes twinkled naughtily when he mentioned the word 'night shift'.

"What's that smile for, Kiichi? The pain's not so bad anymore I suppose?"

"If the pain will keep you pampering me a little longer, then perhaps my answer should be no.."

"Don't be silly." Haruomi's hands parted from the vase and reached for Kiichi's.

"I pray for you every night, so you must get well very soon."  
  
  
  
  
"How's Kiichi today?"

"Better. He still needs to take some strong painkillers, though," Haruomi told Reiji on the phone.

"I see. Is he already in bed?"

"No, Izumi's still with us. Do you want to have a word with Kiichi?"

"Don't worry. Just ring up to see how he is. Look after him for me, won't you?"

Reiji put the phone down and sat pensively for a while. Soon Shuuhei entered his office and handed over the documents he had asked for earlier.

He took them into his hands. As he started to skim the papers, he spoke to Shuuhei without looking up: "Let's call it a day. You may leave now if you wish. I'll just have a quick look at this and go home soon."

"Very well, Owner."

"By the way, if Kiichi calls me tomorrow, just tell him I'm not in."

Shuuhei was surprised to hear that strange order. But it wasn't his place to question anything, so he just said yes and came back to his office.

_'I really wonder what happened. He seems very concerned about his brother's illness, so how come he won't take any call from Kiichi-sama?'_

But just before he left his room, Shuuhei caught a glimpse of his desk calendar. That was when everything became clear.

_'Right, he's scared of being pestered by Kiichi-sama after all. This happens every year!'_

The next day will be the 7th of August - Aoe Reiji's birthday.  
  
  
  
  
As Shuuhei had foreseen, Kiichi kept calling and asked for Reiji since very early in the morning. Although he felt guilty, he still had to lie that Reiji couldn't be reached in any way.

"What? He's still in the meeting?!"

"Well, this is another meeting, Kiichi-sama."

"Kashima.." Kiichi started to feel that something funny was going on, "This is the sixth time I call him already. It's not possible that he'd have no time to ring me back at all."

"Owner is unfortunately very busy today.."

"Don't you dare 'Owner' with me! He's been my brother long before being an Owner!! Today is an important day and I must speak to him. You're not helping him avoid me, are you?"

"No, no no.. Kiichi-sama, that can never be!" Shuuhei reached for the handkerchief in his pocket to wipe the sweat on his forehead.

In this household, although Reiji was more intimidating in appearance, the real frightening and intimidating force came from Kiichi. However, today he must do as told no matter what, even if it caused him life. Reiji was his master and also the birthday boy. He therefore must make the birthday boy happy..

"Kiichi-sama, I've left the note on the table for each of your calls. I'm sure Owner will get back to you as soon as he can."

"How sweet, but I don't believe a word you say, Kashima!"

The handsome doctor said irritably and hung up on him.

_'What a day!'_

Shuuhei let out a deep sigh.

Whenever Reiji's birthday came round, the Aoe brothers would always play this game. Kiichi would try to get hold of his brother, while his brother would do anything to escape. The big brother loved to celebrate and throw a bash, but the little brother found all those things embarrassing. They would never see eye to eye on this, never!

He brought the seventh memo of the day to Reiji - who had been sitting there in his office all day long. There was no meeting whatsoever.

"Again?", Reiji asked without even read what had been written.

"Yes, Owner. But this time it seems Kiichi-sama's really upset. He's still in pain and needs rest, isn't he?"

"If he's well enough to be upset about me, then there's no need to be worried."

The little brother commented flatly and concentrated on his work, while Shuuhei walked away feeling totally drained..  
  
  
  
  
"What's the matter, Sensei?"

Izumi couldn't help asking when he noticed that Kiichi was not in a good mood that evening.

"It's Reiji! He would neither answer my call nor ring me back. If only I didn't really need this bed rest, I'd have gone to face him at B&B myself!"

Haruomi took the cordless phone from Kiichi's hand and put it away.

"You should just rest, Kiichi. Reiji might be really busy."

"Then how come he must be busy on this particular day every year?! Ouch.."

The sharp pain rose again since he moved too quickly. Kiichi frowned with frustration.

"See? I told you." Haruomi came to his side and made Kiichi lie down.

"Do you want a heated towel? I'll get it for you now."

"That'll be nice. Thanks."

Kiichi closed his eyes, felt as if one side of his body was being sliced piece by piece very slowly. The pain wasn't as bad as it was the day before, but it was still strong enough to torture and annoy him.

Harumi rushed out to get the heated towel for Kiichi, while Izumi sat there trying to think of the way to make Kiichi feel better.

"Sensei, is there anything I can do to help at all?"

"Just stay with me. Haruomi will take care of everything so don't you worry."

All of sudden, an astonishing thought came to Kiichi's mind..

How could he not think about this before!?

"Well, as a matter of fact, there's one thing you can help.."

Those twinkles came back to Kiichi's dark beautiful eyes again. That bright idea excited him so much that he totally forgot about the pain.  
  
  
  
  
Reiji stood still by the window in his office.

After staring at electric light of the capital city at night for some time, Reiji looked at the clock, and felt relieved that the new day would arrive in a few hours.

He had tried to occupy himself with a heavy workload the whole day because he so much wanted to forget that today was his birthday. He didn't even want anyone to remind him of this occasion, not even his own brother. It would only bring back bitter memories when he celebrated this special day with his loved ones..

'Quiet, will you?'

He remembered himself saying annoyingly when someone tried to wake him up.

'Wake up, Reiji! It's 3 AM already. Your birth time!!'

He who had long silky hair just like Kiichi's wouldn't let him crawl back to sleep.

'Shiki, for crying out loud..'

But once he was finally dragged out of the bed and realised how Shiki and Takamiya had planned this surprise, he began to smile.

Takamiya played the piano and they both sang at the top of their lung to wish him a very happy birthday. When Reiji was forced to make a wish before blowing all the candles on his cake, Shiki leaned closer and whispered..

'You've got only one wish here, make sure you wish for something you really want, boy.'

His warm lips brushed against his ears as if to tease. Shiki already knew then that Reiji had fallen for him.

Even now he could still recall Takamiya's laughter and that soft whisper of Shiki's..

Sadly, both of them were no longer here and he only had those memories to remind how wonderful it was then. And he was wrong to have thought that Shiki would be the only sadness in his love life..

'Aoe-san..'

In this room, on this day many years ago, when he thought he had successfully escaped Kiichi's plan to humiliate him with a silly birthday celebration, someone wouldn't let him go so easily.

'I want to be the first to wish you a very happy birthday.'

The fragrance of parfume Naoya had brought as Reiji's birthday present filled the air. That boy looked into his eyes, and Reiji could see nothing but pure love.

'I hope you like this fragrance..'

'I do.'

Reiji answered as he drew Naoya closer. He tenderly kissed the boy's cheek, before lingering on those cherry lips.

He still remembered the warmth of that delicate body, and that hurt so much.

How come those he truly loved never stayed long enough?  
  
  
  
  
Reiji finally decided to leave his office.

As he turned off the light, the sight of that empty couch made him feel terribly lonely. So he quickly turned away and closed the door behind.

While he was waiting for the elevator, he looked at his wristwatch and was relieved to learn that it'd be midnight very soon. At least this would be another birthday that he could be on his own quietly, without anyone making a fuss around him.

'Ding!'

When Reiji heard that chime-like sound from the elevator, he looked up and waited for the door to open.

".........."

He would have walked in as usual had that elevator been empty if Sakashita Izumi had not stood there.  
  
  
  
  
"You?"

Reiji was puzzled at first, but then his feelings quickly turned into resentment.

"How could you come up here? Who gave you the permission?!?"

"Sensei gave me the keycard and password to access penthouse floor.."

Izumi too was confused. Reiji reacted as if he had done something wrong..

The boy's reply just twisted the knife into his wound. It reminded him of Naoya who once came up here exactly the same way.

"Get out of the elevator.", he said sharply.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked Reiji with sternness in his voice.

"Sensei..," Izumi started to stammer.

"Stop using Kiichi as your excuse!!"

Reiji almost shouted. This inexplicable anger made him lose control.

"Don't you know that I can read you? All the while you've been trying to get close to Kiichi, acting as if you were one of us! You think you can replace Naoya, don't you!?! But you'd better keep in mind that you can never and will never be Naoya. To me, no one can take his place. No one!!"

Shocked, Izumi stepped back, but that didn't make Reiji stop.

"I've never complained when you went to our house because I didn't want to hurt Kiichi. But today you've crossed the line and intruded even my private space. People who can come up here outside working hours are those in my family. Apart from the Aoes, only Naoya was ever allowed!! Especially when today's my birthday, all I ask for is peace of mind! I don't care for anyone's wish, not even from you!!"

He glared at Izumi, his eyes shot fire.

"You should also know I'm not the type that forgets so easily. How Naoya was important to me then, he's still that important to me now. Unlike you, you must have forgotten about Takamiya already, else you wouldn't be so happy clinging to grown-ups you just got to know!!"

Izumi stood still. His face was as white as sheet.

He still couldn't figure out what Reiji was talking about, but the last sentence was extremely painful to hear.

Reiji turned away, still panting with fury.

Why did nobody understand he needed to be left alone!?!

Izumi could feel himself trembling..

"I just.."

Still, he managed to pull himself together and spoke calmly.

"I just want to say that sensei wanted me to bring you this thing. If he hadn't been in pain, you know he'd have come here himself."

"Besides, Haruomi-san must stay home to look after sensei. So I'm the only person who can do this for sensei tonight."

He explained. His voice was almost inaudible. Izumi tried to cover up that he wasn't hurt because of the things Reiji said just now, but it was difficult.

"I honestly didn't know it's your birthday. Sensei just told me to give this to you before midnight. I came up here to deliver what sensei had asked me to, and I did it because I want to be of some help to him. I didn't know this would.. upset you."

Izumi placed that small box he had held carefully all the way from Aoe mansion on a chair to let him see.

"Well, good night, Aoe-san."

The boy's voice was so sad that even in anger, Reiji still could feel it.

"And even though you don't want to hear it from someone like me, I still sincerely wish you a very happy birthday."

Izumi then hurried to press the elevator button, praying hard that it would come up as soon as possible. He needed to get away from this man before he fell apart right before Reiji's eyes.

When the elevator door opened, Izumi quickly got in and pushed the button to close the door so fiercely that his finger hurt.

"Izumi.."

Reiji turned around but it was too late. Izumi had already gone.

Reiji looked at the small box Izumi left behind bitterly. He didn't know what to do. He didn't even know what to feel.

Meanwhile, someone who just reached the ground floor was running as fast as he could as if he wanted to get away from something so badly..  
  
  
  
  
_'You should also know I'm not the type that forgets so easily. How Naoya was important to me then, he's still that important to me now. Unlike you, you must have forgotten about Takamiya already, else you wouldn't be so happy clinging to grown-ups you just got to know!!'_

What Reji said to him wouldn't go away so easily. It kept repeating in his head over and over again and that gave Izumi heartache.

What had he done to deserve this? What made Reiji think he had forgotten about Takamiya and sought someone new to hold on to?

_'You think you can replace Naoya, don't you!?! But you'd better keep in mind that you can never and will never be Naoya. To me, no one can take his place. No one!!'_

Kiichi always spoke so fondly of Naoya, and he knew how important that boy was to the Aoe family. He never thought, not even once, of taking Naoya's place. But Reiji must have felt that he had interfered too much..

So when Reiji gave him that last piece of maki sushi and taught him how to hold the bow properly, it didn't mean he was already welcome and accepted as a family friend?

_'You'd better keep in mind that you can never and will never be Naoya. To me, no one can take his place. No one!!'  
'You'd better keep in mind that you can never and will never be Naoya. To me, no one can take his place. No one!!'  
'You'd better keep in mind that you can never and will never be Naoya. To me, no one can take his place. No one!!'_

Izumi didn't understand..

He didn't understand why that thing Reiji said hurt him so much he wanted to cry.  
  
  
  
  
Reiji woke up earlier than usual the next morning.

He was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, feeling gloomy. Last night he couldn't really sleep, because he slowly realised what a nasty thing it was he had said to Izumi.

It was quite rare for Reiji to lose his cool like that. But apart from the fact that he was exceptionally sensitive about his birthday and memories attached to it, something in Izumi's eyes had made him feel uneasy. Each time he saw that look on the boy's face, he wanted to look away. He didn't know the reason why it bothered him so much.

Nonetheless, what happened last night wasn't Izumi's fault at all.

Reiji sighed. He put his coffee cup down and reached for the little mysterious box from Kiichi. He brought it back with him last night but haven't paid any attention till now.

He first read the card that came with the present.

_Reiji,_

_You may succeed in avoiding me today, but you know you cannot run away forever.  
Our love for you will finally bring you home._

_This present is my birthday blessing to you._

_Kiichi_

Intrigued, he carefully opened the box. Inside was an exquisite double-time pocket watch laid on the box's powder blue silk lining.

Reiji gently took the pocket watch into his hand, and discovered that when he closed the watch, it became a small case which showed an engraving..

**"Time will heal your heart."**

The intensity in Reiji's eyes lessened and replaced with certain mildness. Suddenly, the thought of how his brother had stood by him all these years made Reiji feel life wasn't so terrible.

Before he put it back, he turned the watch over by chance. And Reiji was surprised to see there was also another engraving on the other side..

**"Time will make you love again."**

A faint smile appeared on his face. To say such a thing was so typical of Kiichi.

_You just wouldn't give up on me, would you?_

Strangely enough, Kiichi would always have the way to rescue him whenever Reiji felt there was no use in hoping anymore. Even when he was in silence and never complaint how much he was going through, Kiichi would know exactly what he needed to hear..

Just like this time.  
  
  
  
  
"Kiichi.."

"Ah! So now you're not too busy to ring back?" said Kiichi with a tone of sarcasm.

"Well, thank you for the present. It's really beautiful."

"You're welcome. The gift reflects my finest taste, don't you think?" he laughed. "Should be useful when you go abroad too. Hope you like it."

"I do." Reiji really meant what he said. "How are you feeling today? Still painful?"

"Not too bad. I think I can go back to work in a couple of days. The good thing about this annoying pain is once it's gone, it's gone.. and will disappear for months."

"Good."

Although he was asking about Kiichi's illness, his mind was occupied with something else. Should or should he not ask about Izumi..

"Haven't seen you for a while. You should come home and have dinner with us tonight, Reiji," Kiichi interrupted.

"Sure, I will. By the way.."

Then there was a long pause in their conversation, because Reiji didn't know how to say it.

"Go on. You want to say something?"

"No, not really. I'll see you this evening then."

He wanted to know if Izumi mentioned anything about that night, but it seemed that boy hadn't spoken a word yet. Because if Kiichi knew what he had said to Izumi, he would surely say something to Reiji.

Reiji couldn't deny he had been conscience-stricken ever since. He hardly ever regretted doing something, but this time it was different.

Especially when he thought of what Izumi said just before he went away..

_'And even though you don't want to hear it from someone like me, I still sincerely wish you a very happy birthday.'_

Reiji thought of Takamiya. He wished his best friend would be here so he could confess what he did.

A good punch from Takamiya might make him feel better than being silently haunted by Izumi's sad, sad eyes...  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka.

  
  
  
Reiji came to Aoe mansion in the evening to spend his weekend there. This had gradually become his routine over the years.

Kiichi was no longer in pain, but he still needed to be careful when he moved around. Thus Haruomi tried to minimise his movement by serving him dinner in the eastern wing's drawing room, where Kiichi rested quietly all day long.

"I'll have my dinner with Kiichi in his drawing room tonight."

Reiji told Shuuhei who came home with him, when he learnt that his brother would not come to the dining hall as usual.  
  
  
  
  
In a couple of hours later he joined Kiichi.

"You wear kimono quite often these days."

His big brother said when he saw him.

"It's comfortable.", he replied, "Besides, most of the casual clothes I have are at my apartment."

"I see.", Kiichi responded pensively.

"It's a shame our house is located far away from B&B office, else we all could have stayed together."

"It's calm and quiet out here, but at times even to me it looks too spacious and lonely."

Kiichi thought about the time when Naoya was still alive. How he loved to have that boy coming over, especially when his brother was too busy and Naoya had to stay home alone.

"Well..," Reiji hesitated.

"You've got Izumi as your regular visitor these days."

"Oh, yes he is."

He heard Kiichi let out a soft sigh.

"But he has a life of his own too. I'm really fond of him, but I can't use that as an excuse to make him stay with me all the time."

"I can't just kidnap him whenever I want the way I did to Naoya. He's your treasure and we considered him a part of this family. But Izumi is different. I'd love to see him getting attached to me a little more, but he always keeps his distance."

Kiichi's words made him feel even more guilty for what he said to Izumi the other night. No, his lovely Naoya was never forgotten. It was only his pessimistic imagination that made him thought so.

"Still, he was very kind to have brought you the birthday present himself even though.."

"Even though what?"

Reiji asked nervously. He put down his chopsticks for a moment.

"Even though you always intimidate him!"

Kiichi giggled, and that was such a relief. So this meant Kiichi had not learned about what had happened?

"Hope that wasn't a shock to you. I gave Izumi the keycard and the password myself because I wanted to make sure he meet you and give you my present before your birthday came to an end."

"It's your fault, Reiji. If you hadn't played hard to get all day long, I wouldn't need to trouble Izumi to go all the way there. But finally, Izumi's mission was successful, wasn't it?"

Then there was a long pause.

"Well, how is that boy now?"

Reiji continued their conversation by asking in a casual tone, but his heart was beating fast. He felt as if he was a criminal trying to cover up the misdeeds he had done.

"Izumi? Oh, he's fine. He has come to see me every day and seems very concerned about my sickness. I’ve to tell him not to worry about me so much!"

"At heart, he's such a loving boy. I’d rather see him smile and happy."

Kiichi was thinking about the sadness in Izumi's eyes that still came back occasionally.

"By the way, how come you keep referring to him as 'that boy'? He's got a name, Reiji"

"As a matter of fact you two are supposed to be good friends. You've known him for a long time through Takamiya, even before you met Naoya. Don't you think it's time to stop being so cold and unfriendly?"

Reiji did not know how to answer that.  
  
  
  
  
When Kiichi had fully recovered, he decided Izumi should resume his kyudo practice.

"Now that Haruomi doesn't need to attend me all day long, we can have your practice session back!"

The doctor sounded very eager, but Izumi was feeling quite the opposite.

From what Reiji said to him that night, should he still come here so frequently? But if he said no, Kiichi would not understand and Izumi would never tell him the reason why.

He did not want to let Kiichi know about that terrible thing Reiji said to him. He did not want to trouble Kiichi with his own sorrow. Of course, it still hurt, but he could not let this be an emotional burden to others. He had done so much in the past to cause them worries already.

He must be strong. It was time he handled everything on his own.

"If you feel it's really all right for me to keep coming here, I'd love to continue with the practice."

His voice didn't sound too confident, however.

"Of course, it's all right! Haven't I said you're always welcome to spend time with us?"

Kiichi looked at him thoughtfully. Why Izumi seemed so unsure all of sudden?

"Why? Is something bothering you?"

He gently touched Izumi's shoulders. Looking into those pair of caring eyes, Izumi knew he needed to give a convincing answer.

"I'm just worried about your shoulder. If you help me with my practice, the pain might come back."

Well, at least that was partially true.

"Could it be that you got hurt because you exerted yourself too much when you helped me with kyudo?"

"Certainly not, Izumi! I only practised with you once a week, so there was no way it could cause me so much pain. This has nothing to do with kyudo anyway. The pain just comes when it wants to, even when I don't use my shoulder at all."

"It's not your fault. Trust me.", Kiichi reassured.

"Let's have our practice again this weekend, all right?"

Izumi nodded and smiled faintly. But he dreaded to think what would happen if Reiji saw him in this mansion next time.  
  
  
  
  
That uneasiness still bothered Reiji, especially each time he ran into Izumi..

He did not actually hate this boy but..

He resented seeing Izumi walking around in the place where Naoya used to. He got upset with the way Kiichi and Haruomi treated him as if he was another youngest brother of theirs. And most of all, he never liked that look in Izumi's eyes.

Those feelings, however, had now changed. After he had cruelly spoken to him, Reiji came to realise Izumi got more strength than he had thought.

No, he did not disappear. He even kept all to himself when he had every right to tell Kiichi how horribly Reiji had treated him. Reiji was certain about this. For if Kiichi knew about it, his brother would surely say something and make him apologise to Izumi.

Being his big brother, he had always been caring and protective. Still, if Reiji had ever done something wrong in his eyes, Kiichi would never hesitate to correct him.

'Reiji..'

Long time ago when they were merely teenage boys..

'You shouldn't raise your voice with Shuuhei. Being your Kashima doesn't mean you have the right to treat him like that.'

'I just wanted him to leave me alone. Why does he have to wake me up so early on Sunday anyway?!'

'Still, you needn't shout. He's still just a little boy.'

Kiichi looked at him disappointingly.

'You told me you don't like our father being so temperamental. Then how come you're behaving that way yourself?'

And that was enough to make Reiji take care never to vent his frustration in his young Kashima again.

He looked at the smallest frame among the three who were practising kyudo on the lawn thoughtfully.

Reiji knew Izumi had no intention to challenge or get even with him. For although he came to Aoe mansion every Sunday, he would never come near the western wing where Reiji stayed.

And once in while when they inevitably met, Izumi would politely greet him and walked away. He never looked at him in the eyes since that night, not even once.

He kept his distance, but he did not run away..

 _You're much stronger than I've thought, Izumi._  
  
  
  
  
The following Sunday Haruomi had to go out and do some errands for Kiichi, so there were only Kiichi and Izumi practising kyudo together that morning.

"Sensei..," Izumi said, sounding a little discouraged.

"I've been practising for some time now, how come my skills never seem to improve?"

"What are you talking about? You just don't see your own development!" said Kiichi.

"Practising kyudo isn't only about directing your arrow to hit the target, but it's also about understanding yourself. Having the patience to raise the standard of one's performance no matter how good they are is the key."

"Although you've only practised for three months, I truly think you get better each time. Particularly on days when you could really focus and weren't too worried about hitting the target, your Hassetsu was performed very well."

"To make you feel better when we all were beginners we had to practise what you're practising now for one whole year before learning a more advanced skill. I remember Reiji having the same problem about clutching the bow too forcefully just like you, but he turned out to be the best archer among us in the end."

Izumi listened quietly, but his heart jumped a bit when he heard the other person's name.

So he's the best archer of this family. No wonder why Reiji's every move when shooting was flawless as he tried to instruct him then.

"Please keep on trying, Izumi. Someday you'll be surprised how far you've come!" Kiichi added cheerfully.

"Ah, speaking of the devil!"

He exclaimed when he noticed Reiji standing on the veranda, looking at them.

"How long have you been standing there, Reiji?"

"Just now," he replied softly.

"Why don't you come here and join us? I want you to give Izumi some guidance."

Izumi held his breath when he heard that. He looked the other way and dreaded the thought of interacting with Reiji again.

_Sensei's here with me, so it should be ok. He'll just say 'no' and leave soon.._

There was a long silence. Izumi did not want to turn around to see that indifferent facial expression of Reiji's. So he kept turning his back on Reiji.

He knew he should not care, but it really hurt to know that man hated him.

"Izumi.." He heard Kiichi. "You're very lucky. Our honourable instructor agrees to help us today!"

Izumi turned around slowly and saw that Reiji was already standing next to his brother on the lawn.

"Move."

That was the first thing Reiji said to him. He already took Kiichi’s bow into his hands.

"Don't stand between me and the target like that. It's dangerous."

Without meeting his eyes, Izumi quickly stepped aside.

"Move further. Stay where Kiichi is."

Izumi's face fell a little. Although Reiji spoke so calmly, he felt as if he was being told off. Kiichi then reached out for him and take his arm in his. The doctor looked both proud and happy at the same time because it was so rare that Reiji would let anyone see him demonstrate his master-level archery skill.

Reiji was wearing a black yukata which seemed too casual when comparing to their hakama trousers, a proper garment used in martial arts practice. Still, in his profile, Izumi could still see how serious he looked when he held the bow.

Either when he lifted the bow or when he drew the bowstring, he made it looked so easy yet elegant. And when he finally released the arrow, it hit the very middle of the target, just like that.

Kiichi's eyes sparkled.

"You're so good as ever! No one would believe that you hadn't practised for a long time!"

Reiji remained still. His eyes kept fixing at the target. It took a while before he turned to his brother.

"Well, if you hadn't skipped our kyudo sessions when we were young, you would have been as good as me."

"I remember well when sensei fetched you from the tree that you climbed up and hid!"

"But that's not my fault!"

Kiichi blushed when Reiji revealed his childhood secret in front of Izumi.

"He was always yelling at us. It was too stressful for me."

A moment like this, when the two grown-up brothers became children themselves, warmed Izumi's heart. They were indeed attached to one another. This bond would always keep them close no matter what happened.

"Oh!"

Kiichi suddenly cried. He sounded a little annoyed.

"I forgot to tell Haruomi to pick up a lab result from the hospital!"

"Izumi, I must go in and give him a call. Hope he's not already on his way home. Just let Reiji help you with the practise, won't you?"

Izumi's heart sank when he saw Kiichi hurriedly disappeared into the mansion..

Leaving him with Reiji, alone!  
  
  
  
  
Again, there was a long awkward silence..

".........."

Which Reiji finally broke, "What are you standing still for? Practise your Hassetsu."

Izumi felt anxious and confused at the same time. He really did not know how to behave in front of this man anymore. When he thought Reiji seemed quite friendly, he suddenly turned hostile. And Most of all, Izumi could never forget what was spoken to him that night..

Then, unexpectedly, the same resonant voice continued, "I'm sorry."

Izumi looked up, not too sure if he heard it correctly.

"It might be too late now, but I really am. I'm sorry I said those things to you."

Reiji looked at him in the eyes, and this time Izumi could not look away.

“……….”

"It's all right."

Izumi replied gently.

"I understand how you feel. I know you don't like seeing me here, but I can't just disappear. Sensei's been so good to me. I can't do that to him."

"But I'll do my best not to be in your sight."

He bit his lips, trying to stop them from trembling.

"Izumi.."

This could be the first time he properly uttered the boy's name..

"I told you I'm sorry, so don't take those things to your heart. If possible I want you to be comfortable to be here. I give you my words I will not make you feel unwelcome again."

He sounded determined and sincere.

Izumi nodded. He looked down, not knowing what to say.

But yes, he would try to trust him again. For a while, Izumi could feel his heart lighten up a bit, and that made him feel much better.

"Now let's continue with the practice, shall we?"

Reiji quickly switched back to the previous subject, for it was not his nature to keep on indulging in feelings - especially his own.  
  
  
  
  
Since that day, Reiji had occasionally joined the weekly kyudo practice session. Sometimes when both Haruomi and Kiichi were not available, he would become Izumi's sole instructor.

"It seemed you still tend to clutch the bow too tightly, but this will get better if you're patient with yourself."

Reiji was thoughtful enough to add an encouraging note after pointing out his weakness. Izumi had joined the archery club at his university when the new semester started and continued his practice earnestly ever since. The young man's basic kyudo skill was nearly settled, and it was essential he did not give up now.

"Try again."

He said, moving closer to Izumi who was about to release the bow.

"Straighten your left arm.."

Reiji grabbed his wrist..

".........."

But then he could feel slight roughness on Izumi's skin.

"What's this? It feels so strange.."

He was about to turn Izumi's wrist and take a good look at it, but at the same moment Izumi shook Reiji’s hand off in horror. Even though that caused the bowstring to strike his chest hard, Izumi did not feel the pain at all.

Reiji must not see his wrist. That was all he was thinking about.

".........."

"I'm sorry."

Izumi muttered, still pressed his wrist hard against his chest.

"That's all right.”

Reiji stepped back, did not try to touch him again.

“Just start all over one more time and don't forget to straighten your left arm."

He looked at Izumi from behind, thinking hard.

Izumi tried not to let him see, but Reiji was quick enough to catch a glimpse of what the boy wanted so badly to hide. It was obvious that on Izumi's inner wrist, there was a long keloid scar - the type that was self-explanatory.

This kind of mark would only be left on those who tried to hurt themselves.  
  
  
  
  
Before going back to his apartment that evening, Reiji stopped by at Kiichi's reading room.

"Reiji? Come on in."

Kiichi was busy typing something on his computer when he popped in.

"Are you leaving already?"

"Yes, but I've got something to ask you."

"Ask then."

"You still haven't told me how you met Izumi."

".........."

There was a long silence..

"Why are you interested all of sudden?"

"I just remember that you never told me about it."

Kiichi sighed.

"It's going to be a long story. We'd better wait till next time if you're in a hurry.."

"I'm not."

Reiji found himself surprisingly obstinate.

"At least not until I get your answer."

The big brother got up from his chair and slowly walked towards him.

"Izumi used to be my patient."  
  
  
  
  
"Then why you never told me about all this?"

"Because you told me you didn't want to know about anyone's suffering! You said dealing with your own was enough, remember?"

Reiji kept thinking about what he had just learned from Kiichi.

To Reiji, Izumi had always been nothing but a little brat. That boy always got what he wanted and would simply throw tantrums when he could not. But knowing that 'the brat' tried to commit suicide also came to him as a shock.

Both his brother and him had experienced ordeals since they were young, but the thought of taking their own lives never occurred to any of them. His beloved Naoya too had to go through many unbelievable sorrows, but he bore every single pain coming his way. He never gave up. That was one of the reasons why he was drawn to him. Naoya was so strong, yet so gentle and had so much love to give him.

Reiji despised those who think they were helpless or victimised when they could actually do something to change their lives. That was so sad.

It must have been both that boy’s family and Takamiya who had nurtured and pampered Izumi too much. Thus when life was cruel and nobody could fix it for him, he could not take it.

What ignorance. What stupidity.

If taking one's own life could be justified by the fact that his loved one was taken away forever, then someone like him would have a good reason to kill himself twice!  
  
  
  
  
"Kashima," Reiji spoke to his personal assistant, "Can you find me Izumi's phone number?"

"You mean Yanase-san?"

Shuuhei thought his boss meant Izumi the former host of B&B.

"No, Izumi who comes to practice kyudo every weekend."

"Izumi-san? Of course! Do you want me to connect for you right away?"

"Just give me the number. I'll call him later."

Reiji rested his cigarette on his ashtray, looking out the window.

It started to rain. This gloomy weather always depressed him.

Summer must have come to end.  
  
  
  
  
Izumi stood hesitantly in front of the elevator.

He was already on the top floor of B&B head office building, but he did not know which way to go. It was still working hours, and B&B smartly-dressed employees were everywhere. This was different from the first time he came here. Then the whole floor looked so dark and lonely..

He also could not help feeling nervous. The memory of Reiji’s birthday still lingered even though they had talked and cleared up those hard feelings.

"May I help you?"

One of the receptionists asked Izumi. He was surprised to see a young man soaking wet from the rain standing there. But he must be here to see someone because not everybody had the password to access the penthouse floor.

"I'm here to see Aoe-san."

Timidly, Izumi replied.

"Of course. Could I please have your name, sir?"

"It's Sakashita. Sakashita Izumi."

The receptionist picked up the phone and spoke to someone. When he put the receiver down, he gave him a smile.

"Owner is expecting you. Please walk along the corridor on your right. His room is at the end."

"Thank you."

He followed the direction given and bumped into Shuuhei before reaching his destination.

"Good afternoon, Izumi-san!"

Reiji's secretary looked at him. His eyes widened.

"You're drenched all over!"

"Well, I forgot to bring an umbrella,” Izumi stammered.

"Aoe-san asked me to drop by, but I don't know what it's going to be about.."

He tried to get a clue from Shuuhei, so at least he knew what to expect.

"I'm sorry I don't know as well, Izumi-san."

Shuuhei replied sympathetically. Even he could tell that Izumi found Reiji's presence frightening at times.

"But I'm sure there's nothing you need to be worried about."

He automatically referred to Reiji as 'Owner' when he was at the office.

"Let me find you some towels. You'll get a cold if you don't dry yourself. But for now please see Owner first. I'll be back very soon."

So Izumi was left standing in front of Reiji's room all alone.

".........."

He sighed, and soon mustered his courage to knock on the door.

"Come in."

He could hear Reiji's voice from behind. So he opened the door and got in. At first, Izumi could only see the back of Reiji's office chair.

"Good afternoon, Aoe-san."

Hearing it was not Shuuhei's voice, he turned around.

"What's this?”

Reiji frowned.

“You've been walking in such heavy rain?!"

"Um, well, yes.."

Izumi stammered again.

"I'm sorry I make such a mess.."

He started to feel guilty about water that kept dripping from his clothes all the way to Reiji's room.

"That doesn't matter! You must change your clothes or.."

Someone knocked on the door and that interrupted their conversation. It was Shuuhei. He came back with a pile of white fluffy towels and a fresh yukata.

"Good. I was about to ask you to get them for Izumi," said Reiji, satisfied.

"Take them, Izumi. Dry yourself and change into that yukata. You can use my bathroom there."

He told Izumi and continued to speak to Shuuhei about their work.

Izumi quietly got into the bathroom and looked around impressively. The bathroom in Reiji's office was rather modern. It had a big mirror and small glass shelves on both sides. There, he could see many bottles of fragrance for men.

Soon he peeled off his wet clothes, dried himself using the whole pile of towels, and put on his yukata. Then he stuffed all his wet clothes in his backpack to prevent it from dripping all over the place.

Shuuhei was still waiting for him when he opened the bathroom door.

"Where are your clothes?"

Curious, Reiji raised one of his eyebrows.

"I've put them in my backpack."

"Why did you do that for? Take them out! Shuuhei will take them to the laundry room and have them dried for you."

"Thank you, but that would be too much trouble.."

"So you will go home in that yukata?"

Reiji's lips were in straight line, but his eyes were smiling.

Izumi's cheeks burnt when he heard that remark. Then Shuuhei came forward and coaxed him.

"Please give them to me, Izumi-san. It will be taken care of without any difficulty. They will be returned to you soon."

Although he was really embarrassed, he finally handed his wet clothes to Shuuhei.

“Why don’t you sit down and make yourself comfortable?"

Reiji asked when Shuuhei had already left the room.

Izumi sat down on the couch. He saw two cups of hot tea together with scones and cakes. Shuuhei must have prepared these for them.

He stayed still and looked at Reiji anxiously. Izumi was at first very surprised to get a call from Reiji, but now he got a little scared because he could never tell what was on Reiji's mind.

"Why..," Izumi finally broke the silence. "Why have you asked me to come and see you, Aoe-san?"

Reiji sat down on a couch opposite to him.

"I want to talk to you."  
  
  
  
  
Reiji looked at Izumi who almost disappeared in that over-sized yukata, thinking how ridiculous Takamiya was when he mentioned Izumi almost matched Reiji in height.

He never seemed to get any taller in Reiji's eyes. He looked exactly the same although years had passed.

Seeing Izumi like this, the picture of Naoya wearing his shirt - on the night he found him after the boy tried to ran away from Haitani's place - suddenly flashed in his mind.

But Reiji quickly brushed that away. He needed to focus and have a serious conversation with Izumi.

"I just got to know how you met my brother."

He began, and Izumi still looked at him composedly.

"And I've just learned that you seriously tried to hurt yourself."

This time Izumi's face went pale, and he was quiet for a long time.

“……….”

Reiji waited patiently. He wanted to know what Izumi had to say.

"But that was long time ago."

Izumi eventually responded.

"I shouldn't have done that. I know."

He lowered his eyes, feeling it was getting too painful to keep his face straight.

"As a matter of fact, I too should never bring this up again, because this might just open up your old wound."

Reiji leaned over a little, gently put down the teacup in his hand, and took a closer look at Izumi's face.

"But I'd like to ask you once and for all to promise me never to do it again, no matter how miserable life may seem to you. I’ve also been through what you have. If I could survive and move on, so could you."

"If this isn't convincing enough, take it as a plea from Takamiya's best friend. I know him well. Had he known about what you had done, he would have been crying somewhere up there."

Izumi kept looking down at his lap.

".........."

He could hardly see the back of his hands resting there because his sight was now blurring with tears.

He had stopped crying about Takamiya for a long time already, but the way Reiji spoke really moved him.

"I know it's difficult for both of us to think or talk about the past. But one thing you need to know is that Takamiya had always genuinely loved you.”

“I still remember when he told me about the first day he met you, and how quickly he became so fond of you. Since then all he ever cared about was you and your happiness. You are his most important person in this world."

"So even though he's no longer here, you don't have the right to let him down. You must continue to live and try to be happy because will be the only way to make Takamiya happy."

“Do I have your words, Izumi? That you'll not do what you did again, ever?”

“I..”

"I promise.."

Izumi's voice trembled.

Reiji's eyes saddened. He gave Izumi a silent, regretful look.

"Lastly, I must apologise for having said that you had forgotten Takamiya.”

He only watched quietly as Izumi cried, but Reiji's voice told Izumi he was trying his best to console him. Izumi had never heard Reiji speaking with such gentleness and in such a caring way before.

“It was a mean thing to say to you. You don't deserve that."

Izumi shook his head. He wanted to say something to reassure Reiji he hadn't held a grudge against him, but if he spoke a word now he would surely weep uncontrollably.

So all he could do was wiping away his tears, and trying so hard to give Reiji a smile.  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka.

  
  
  
"Haruomi.."

Kiichi softly whispered his lover's name.

"If you ever lost me, would you be able to love someone again?"

"I don't like that kind of hypothetical question."

Haruomi was a little upset to hear that.

"Why do you have to sound so distressed?"

He eased himself upon the other one's strong body, gazing.

"As you said, it's just a hypothetical question after all."

"It's a silly one."

"You're mean."

Kiichi complained mockingly, reaching out to caress his jawline.

"I only want to know if a person could love again after so many losses.."

"Who are you thinking of?"

Haruomi asked, tightening his embrace. The warmth of Kiichi's naked back felt so good..

"My brother. I want him to be happy, you know."

"I think Reiji is quite happy in his own way."

"But it's still not as much as he used to be when Naoya was around."

Kiichi could hear his butler sighed.

"It will happen the day Reiji finds someone he loves.. once more."

"I wonder if Reiji had found that person.."

"Your brother is the silent type. He wouldn't go round professing his love, but we'll know when it happens, I suppose."

Haruomi kissed Kiichi on the cheek..

"I know you wish to see Reiji happy and in love again, but you must let him take his time. Although it's been many years, Naoya still reigns supreme in his heart. It won't be so easy.."

"That I understand, but I don't want the love he has for someone who's no longer here to blind his chance of finding a new love."

Seemed there was something on Kiichi's mind as he spoke. He nestled his head against Haruomi's broad chest, listening to the man's heartbeat.

"Your heart is beating very fast, Kashima Haruomi."

"Not any faster than yours."

Haruomi replied, slowly turned over and trapped Kiichi underneath him.

"We still haven't finished discussing Reiji.."

"Kiichi.."

Haruomi lowered his face, nibbling the concerned brother's neck..

"At a time like this, try not to say other man's name, even if it is your brother’s.."  
  
  
  
  
Izumi visited Takamiya's cemetery one fine afternoon. He always did this on the day he missed him so much he could not bear.

He laid a small bouquet of flowers in front of his late lover's grave, and sat down to have a quiet moment with him.

Izumi did not look so doleful anymore. The things left in his eyes were love and longing for Takamiya, but they also clearly showed he had come to terms with his death.

_'I'm not crying so much anymore, Takamiya-san.'_

_'I'm in my junior year already, and I determine to keep studying hard. Once I graduate, I really want to further my study in England, just like you.'_

_'My kyudo practice is going steadily. Everyone in Aoe Family is ever so kind to me as usual. Being with them makes me happy and they really take good care of me.'_

_'But Takamiya-san, you're never forgotten. I'd surely be much happier if you were here with me, to stay beside me and be with me wherever I go.'_

He looked up to the sky, felt the gentle cool breeze on his face.

_'It looked so clear and bright up there. I hope you're doing fine and can see me down here.'_

Izumi faintly smiled, imagining Takamiya looking at him lovingly from somewhere.

_'Please take care of Naoya for us. I do miss you, always.'_

So it seemed the memories could no longer hurt him...  
  
  
  
  
**They said love came when you least expected it.**

 **And when you realised what happened, your own heart no longer belonged to you..**  
  
  
  
  
After having a good talk with Reiji at his office that day, Izumi felt much more comfortable visiting the Aoe mansion. He did not fear walking by the western wing where Reiji stayed anymore. Each time they met, the younger one would greet him with a smile.

Reiji never looked displeased or irritated when he saw Izumi as he used to, but he still remained his somber self. Although Izumi understood his nature well, at times he found it awkward to start a conversation or spoke to Reiji casually the way he could with Kiichi or Haruomi.

"Reiji.."

Kiichi brought this up while he was all alone with his brother.

"You should invite Izumi to lunch with us after kyudo practice session. I've tried many times but it was never successful. The only time he agreed to eat with us was on my birthday, and that was a long time ago."

"What makes you think he would listen to me?"

"Well, you're the only one around here that intimidates him. So I think you're probably the reason why he refused to stay."

"What kind of logic is that!?!"

"What else could be the cause then?"

Kiichi smiled. He always found it amusing to irritate Reiji.

"He would surely agree to lunch if you asked him to. Do you want to bet?"

"This is absurd.."

"Absurd or not, give it a try."

The big brother propped his chin on one of his hands.

"If you think my logic is rubbish, you'll need to prove it. I'd stop bothering both Izumi and you if he still declined even when you personally asked him."  
  
  
  
  
Next Sunday morning..

Izumi finished his practice session later than usual. Haruomi needed to hurry and prepare lunch for the family, so he was taking back all kyudo equipment to the storage room in the mansion's western wing by himself. Kiichi had to go to the hospital so he did not join their weekly practice that day.

He placed the bows back to its rack with care, changed his clothes, and left. On his way back, however, he met Reiji.

"Good morning, Aoe-san."

"Good morning. Have you finished practising?"

"Yes, I have."

The boy's face still flushed after spending time exercising outdoors.

"Kiichi said you never wanted to lunch with us because of me. Is that true?"

"No, of course not!"

Izumi quickly denied, although deeply he knew it was partially true.

"I just don't want to cause Haruomi-san unnecessary task. He had already helped me with my practice, so it'd be troublesome if he needed to prepare a meal for me as well."

"That wouldn't make any difference. He had to prepare for us four anyway."

Reiji explained.

"So stay and eat with us today. Else Kiichi would still have that crazy thought in his head."

He said and walked away, not giving Izumi any chance to refuse the offer.

Izumi could feel his heart pounding.

This normally happened whenever he had to face Reiji. He had always been so afraid of upsetting him, but now it was not the same.

As a matter of fact, he no longer feared him as much as he used to..

So how come this heart of his still beat so uncontrollably?  
  
  
  
  
Since the day Reiji asked him to stay, Izumi found himself gradually extending his Sunday visit. He stayed mainly in Kiichi's quarter, enjoying the company of that charming doctor and his steadfast friend.

"Kiichi, when will you stop wearing yukata? It's autumn already. Wear something thicker."

Haruomi muttered.

"What's the use in preparing winter kimono for you every morning? You just ignore it and grab whatever you like from the wardrobe."

Kiichi rolled his eyes and looked at Izumi.

"Who would believe I'm in my thirties, and a doctor too? There'll always be someone to lecture me and make me feel like I’m still in a nursery school."

"Well,.."

Izumi smiled.

"That's only because Haruomi-san cares about you."

"I know."

Kiichi sighed.

"But sometimes I feel as if I was born to be taken care of, and would never be capable of looking after anyone. It has always been Reiji and Haruomi who do things for me.."

His face had that nostalgic look.

"Before Haruomi came, Reiji was more like an elder brother to me. He always came to my bedroom and see if I was tucked in properly, no matter how late he got home."

So even Reiji had his soft side..

"How I miss those times! Haruomi, could you bring our childhood photo album? The one with four of us.."

Soon Haruomi came back with a big album. It aged with time but must have also been kept very well. Kiichi slowly turned the pages, one by one. Izumi noticed most were the photos of Kiichi and his brother.

"Isn't he adorable?"

Kiichi mentioned as they were looking at a photograph that showed Reiji in his brother's embrace.

"Who would imagine he would turn out this way when he grew up? I should have prayed on every Boy's Day that he stayed four-year-old forever."

Izumi let out a soft laugh when he heard Kiichi's remark. He looked at the photographs interestingly.

The two brothers looked even more alike when they were little. The main difference was Kiichi's features on his face, which were more delicate than his brother's. In some photos, he even looked like a cute little girl.

Reiji had thicker eyebrows and slightly smaller eyes, but they showed the same intensity since he was a child. Although he did not smile very much, Izumi still thought he was such a smart boy.

"Here's Reiji in his secondary school uniform."

Kiichi announced proudly.

"He was only fourteen then, but I remember him getting letters of confession from girls already!"

"And you?"

Izumi was curious.

"What about you, sensei?"

Kiichi's eyes saddened…

After the age of thirteen he was not allowed to set his foot beyond this estate. Private tutors were hired, and he was educated everything behind this wall.

It was all in the past, but he still remembered how miserable it was. Then, he could only see the world outside through Reiji or Haruomi's eyes, imagining bitterly how good it could be if only he was allowed the same freedom..

Haruomi tactfully changed the subject when he noticed Kiichi's facial expression.

"I don't think it's in this album, Izumi-san."

He turned to the next page.

"Let's look at Shuuhei here. He was very lively and active as a child."

Haruomi successfully diverted Izumi's attention. He then quietly exchanged glances with Kiichi who looked at him gratefully.

Kiichi did not really want to hide his troubled past from Izumi, but sometimes it could be overwhelming if his wound was to be touched again.

_You know exactly when and how to protect me, even from the slightest pain.._

Haruomi still gazed at him. That look reassured Kiichi that of all the things in the world, he was the only treasure this man would cherish and shelter safe from harm.  
  
  
  
  
"I will take my leave now."

Izumi excused himself politely.

"Already?"

Kiichi looked out the window.

"Can't believe it's already dark. I wish you could stay longer."

"I'll come again next week, sensei."

Izumi did not need to say that. Everybody at Aoe mansion now took his weekly visit as a set routine, and always welcomed him.

"Please do, and stay as long as you can. You know how I enjoy being with you."

"So do I."

But just when Izumi was getting to his feet, Reiji came walking in.

"Hello Reiji."

"I'm looking for the book about porcelain in the Meiji era. Is it in your study room?"

"Yes, it's on my working desk."

"Don't worry."

Said Reiji when he saw his brother shifted, preparing to move.

"I'll go get it myself. Just stay with Izumi."

Now he too began to be accustomed to the boy's presence..

"Izumi's going now. It's getting late."

"Oh, you're leaving?"

He turned to Izumi.

"Yes."

"How long does it take you to get home by train?"

"About two hours, Aoe-san."

It took that long because he had to change at a few stations.

Reiji calculated something in his mind, then told him decisively.

"You stay for dinner. I'll give you a lift afterward. It should be much faster that way by car, even if we wouldn’t leave until seven."

"That's true."

Kiichi agreed.

"You won't be hungry by the time you get home too. Join us, please?"

Izumi convinced himself the reason he said yes was because of Kiichi's pleading of voice..

Not because of someone who looked at him silently, waiting for his reply.  
  
  
  
  
Little by little, Izumi unconsciously anticipated visiting Kiichi each Sunday with a different feeling. He became less reluctant to stay until late evening, as well as became more willing to accept Reiji's offer to drop him off on his way back.

He had not fully realised what was going on, until one day when Reiji had to leave the mansion after lunchtime.

"I've to go back and make some prior arrangements at B&B. See you next week."

Reiji popped in to say goodbye to his brother as usual. He always saw Kiichi before he left. Izumi was also sitting there with Kiichi.

"All right. Will give you a call later. Take care."

Reiji nodded and dashed off right away. He really must be in a hurry, because he did not say a single word to Izumi. The young man's eyes unintentionally followed him.

For some unknown reasons, he felt a pang of disappointment when Reiji did not even look his way.

".........."

That glimpse of Izumi's longing look was observed quietly by Kiichi, who started to acknowledge tender feelings budding in someone's heart...  
  
  
  
  
That night Izumi was staring at Takamiya's photograph in silence for a very long time.

He loved Takamiya. He still missed him so terribly. This would never change..

But why in the midst of his feelings for Takamiya, he also thought of someone else constantly?

Izumi had been in love before, and this time it did not take long for him to see it coming. He tried to tell himself he was confused, so he would not have to accept the feeling that was hidden behind that confusion.

Still, deep down he knew it was there all along, since the day Reiji drove him home for the first time, and his cheeks burnt when he asked him to come round again.

But..

_To me, no one can take his place. No one!!_

Those angry words from Reiji still echoed in his mind..

Izumi finally turned off the light and slowly lay himself to sleep, tears brimmed his eyes as he closed them.

He did not understand himself. He just felt this pain, which was not caused by the absence of Takamiya from his life..

_Apart from you, will there be anyone to love me again, Takamiya-san?_

He wished hard, hoping this feeling would not be what he feared. This, after all, would be just confusion.

 _Please let it not be love, Takamiya-san..._  
  
  
  
  
Winter had come again.

Because of the cold, the weekly kyudo practice took place in the house’s small dojo instead. Reiji no longer saw the three archers on the lawn as a result.

Lately he had been very busy with his work and had not spent much time with Kiichi. He might have come back to Aoe mansion frequently, but he always brought work back with him. So Reiji stayed mostly in his study and only saw his brother at mealtimes.

Reiji should have stayed at B&B like he used to when things were hectic, but he wanted to make the effort to be with his family. After the loss of Naoya, he started to appreciate his loved ones more, especially Kiichi - the brother who stood by him through thick and thin.

This morning he walked idly along the corridor that bridged between the two wings of Aoe mansion, and was surprised to find himself heading towards the dojo.

Soon he could see Izumi, with Kiichi and Haruomi nearby. The boy was about to release the bow, so Reiji just stood there and watched him from behind in silence.

He wanted to know if Izumi had made any apparent progress after months of being coached by his brother, as well as joining the kyudo club at the university.

Reiji's eyes sparkled with satisfaction when the arrow darted to the target's central part. This was much better than the last time he saw him shoot. Izumi's basic sequel movements were excellent too.

"Reiji.."

Haruomi turned around and saw him.

"Come in and join us."

Both Kiichi and Izumi looked his way when they heard Haruomi.

"Good morning! I didn't know you'd be up so early."

His brother smiled.

"You should sleep in on a day like this. You haven't had much rest lately, have you?"

"I'm fine. I've had enough sleep."

Reiji replied plainly.

"I heard you all have been practising in dojo for a few weeks already, so I thought I'd drop by.."

He looked around. He hadn't been to this part of the house for so long..

"You've looked after this dojo very well."

Pleased, he said to his brother's Kashima.

"Thank you, Haruomi."

"My pleasure. I spent time training in this dojo every single day when I was young, so the place's kind of sentimental for me too."

"Yes, I remember that."

Reiji smiled, which was a rare sight.

"And occasionally someone would come calling your name, interrupted your training, and asked you to leave dojo to either carry him around on your back, to get him a cup of tea or simply to tie a ribbon on his plait."

Haruomi smirked. Both of them automatically turned to Kiichi who pretended not to hear that.

Reiji then looked at Izumi.

"I saw your shooting. You've done really well."

The younger one's face grew hot..

"You should be very proud of yourself, Izumi. Reiji hardly paid compliment to anyone, especially in kyudo which he excels at."

"Thank you, Aoe-san."

Izumi stammered a little. He didn't know what else to say.

"We'll finish our practice soon. Will you wait here till then and have morning tea with us, Reiji?"

Kiichi was an early bird. He had his breakfast almost right after the dawn broke. Thus he had the privilege to enjoy some elevenses before it was lunchtime again.

"That sounds good. Please continue with your practice. I'll just wait here."

Reiji said as he retreated to the back of dojo.

He was, however, rather puzzled that afterward Izumi could not do as well as he first saw him. The boy had returned to that gawky teenager who did not know how to handle the bow properly again..

After a few more times of nearly missing the target, Kiichi called it a day.

"Well, there's no use carrying on like this."

Kiichi turned to the boy.

"It seems you're not as focused as you were before, Izumi."

"I'm sorry, sensei. I don't know why."

Embarrassed, Izumi just blushed.

"That's just my observation which could be wrong."

Kiichi did not mean to be hard on him. He was also sensitive enough to notice how Reiji's presence made the difference on Izumi's performance...

"I suppose you're tired. We had an extra-long session today, haven't we, Haruomi?"

"That's true."

Haruomi agreed.

"Izumi-san had been practising for almost three hours now. It's been too long. Let's take the equipment back and enjoy our morning tea."

In a few minutes later they were leaving the dojo.

But on their way out, Izumi stepped on the hem of his hakama trousers and stumbled.

"Ah!"

He exclaimed, knowing he would be landing on the floor and hurt himself really badly soon. But all of sudden he was swiftly pulled back by someone's strong arm.

"Be more careful, will you!?!"

Reiji scolded, still holding him.

"I'm.. oh.."

Izumi caught his breath.

"Thank you, Aoe-san."

He did not have the courage to look up and meet the eyes of his 'saviour'.

Heart, please stop beating so loudly. What if he could hear you?

When Izumi could keep his balance, Reiji released him and slowly walked away. Then Kiichi came forward and asked if he was really all right.

"I'm fine, sensei. It was my fault. I should have been more careful."

"Tie your hakama a little higher next time, so you don't trip again."

"I will, sensei."

His younger brother was already walking ahead of them and helped Haruomi carry the equipment.

_'I haven't seen you being this protective for a very long time..'_

Kiichi thought to himself, looking at Reiji's broad back. He was glad to have witnessed what just happened.

Izumi lowered his head, hiding his crimson face although he knew nobody was looking.

The warmth of Reiji's arms and the mixed scent of his cologne and cigarette still lingered..  
  
  
  
  
December..

"Izumi.."

His mother gently told him.

"We plan to visit your uncle in Osaka just before Christmas and celebrate New Year's Day there. Will you come along? Uncle will surely be happy to see you..."

"I see.."

He hesitated...

"The thing is I have exams right after the holidays.."

"You can bring your books and lecture notes. We'll allow you space and let you read as much as you like. On the 28th will be your uncle's first anniversary with his wife too, so your father and I will certainly be there. Wouldn't it be nice for us all to get together?"

Izumi went quiet. Last time he did pretty well in his exams, and he wanted to maintain it that way, if not making it better. He knew being with family was important, but this too was a crucial moment in his student life. If he wishes to see himself graduate with an impressive transcript, now would be the only time to make it happen. He needed to make up for the loss during his first two years when he was depressed and still could not get over Takamiya's death as well.

"Mother, will it be all right if I don't go?"

He tried to think of the way to say it without hurting his mother's feelings..

"I really want to do my best for the coming exams. You knew how horrible my results have been since I started university. Now that it started to be a little better, I want to keep trying and see if I could improve."

"After all that I've put you through, I want to finally make father and you proud. That’s why I want to be home and really concentrate on the revision."

"My dear.."

Izumi could see the glint of tears in his mother's eyes.

"Are you sure that's what you truly want? Because that means you will be on your own over the holidays..."

"I'll miss your osechi-ryori*, but I'll be fine, mother."

He gave her a reassuring smile.  
  
  
  
  
"Do you think it's a good idea to let him stay by himself?"

Being a mother, Mrs.Sakashita could never be totally comfortable with the idea of leaving her son alone. A part of that traumatic experience still haunted her after all.

"We just need to have faith in our son."

Izumi's father spoke thoughtfully.

"Izumi's obviously getting better. He’s no longer withdrawn and now has a much more active social life. He genuinely cares about his study, because he also diligently revised for his previous exams. We both could see that."

"He's nearly twenty now. We must let him decide for himself."

Mr.Sakashita lightly embraced his wife to comfort her.

"Izumi's my only child as well, so I always have his best interest at heart. I believe Izumi knows what's best for him. So we as parents should believe in him too."  
  
  
  
  
"All right, Izumi.."

His mother was standing at the door, already wrapped up warm in her coat and shawl, but she still seemed reluctant to leave.

"I hope the money I left you will be enough. Don't forget to check the door if it's locked properly before you go to bed. I've also stuffed our fridge with all the goodies you like."

"Thank you, mother. I'll be all right, so no need to worry. Please give me a call when you get there and my apology to uncle for not making it this time."

"I will, dear."

Mrs.Sakashita drew him close and hugged him for the third time.

"Happy holidays, Izumi. I love you so much."

"I love you too."

He tightened his embrace and let her go. His father then came to him and rested his hand gently on Izumi's shoulder.

"Do your best but don't be stressed out. You'll always be our beloved son, and your happiness is all that matters to us."

"We'll miss you."

Mr.Sakashita kissed his boy's forehead and said goodbye.

They trusted him and allowed him the freedom to do what he wanted to do. Those understanding words that showed his parents' unconditional love warmed Izumi's heart.

"Have a safe and pleasant trip. See you soon."

He stood in the cold and kept waving till his parents' cab disappeared from his sight.

It was very quiet when he got back into the house. All of sudden, however, he just missed Takamiya so badly.

The feeling was bittersweet, but no matter what life must go on.

He must move on.  
  
  
  
  
"Aoe-sensei, you've a phone call from Mrs.Sakashita."

Kiichi was fortunately still on his lunch break, so he could take her call right away. The handsome doctor greeted his former patient's mother cheerfully.

"Good afternoon, Mrs.Sakashita. I'm so pleased to hear from you!"

"Good afternoon, sensei. I hope this is a good time to talk..."

"Of course, it is. How may I help you?"

"I wonder if you could do me a small favour, Aoe-sensei."  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Osechi-Ryori = Japanese New Year's food, consists many different kinds of dishes. It's a Japanese tradition to eat osechi-ryori throughout the New Year's holidays. Traditionally, people finish cooking osechi dishes by New Year's Eve so they have food for a couple days without cooking. Most of the dishes can last a few days in the refrigerator or at cool room temperature.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka

  
  
  
"Won't Izumi be here tomorrow?"

Haruomi asked Kiichi when he told him he would not have to open up the dojo tomorrow morning.

"No, he won't. He needs a break to revise for his forthcoming exams."

"Is that so? And when will he visit us again?"

Even a stoic person like Haruomi loved to have Izumi around. His presence always made his Kiichi happy, and the boy himself was a nice person too.

"He told me he would come once he finished exams."

"What a shame. We wouldn't be able to wish him for the New Year then."

Haruomi sounded disappointed.

"You don't have to worry about that."

Kiichi smiled his cunning smile.

"I've a plan.."  
  
  
  
  
Christmas Eve..

Izumi got up from his desk, slowly stretching his arms above his head. He felt stiff and sore from his long sitting of reading and taking notes.

He walked to the windowsill, and quietly looked at snowflakes gently falling.

The memory of their first Christmas - Takamiya and his - came vividly to his mind. Takamiya pestered him to spend the evening together. Izumi would not admit it, but he wanted to be with him as well. However, one panic phone call from his parents who celebrated their Christmas in Kyoto ruined everything. He went all the way there to learn that his mother only had sprained her ankle.

On his way back to Tokyo, he ended up celebrating his Christmas alone on the train which was stuck in the snow. Once the train reached its destination, he walked and ran for hours in freezing weather just to see Takamiya. He did not have enough money to pay the taxi fare, but he must get there. He could not let Takamiya down, not after all the things he had put him through.

By the time he reached Takamiya's place, Christmas was already over and the man was sound asleep in his bed. When he woke up and smiled at Izumi so tenderly, the boy just burst into tears and said sorry countless times. He did not mean to stand him up. He really wanted to be with Takamiya.

But Takamiya was not once mad at him at all. That was the night he realised this man was a gem, someone he would be so lucky to have. It was also the night he kissed Takamiya first for the first time.

He was Izumi's first love and the first person who taught him about love. But now that he was gone, Izumi wondered if love would ever be in his life again..

He quickly switched his mind to something else when Reiji entering his thoughts.  
  
  
  
  
"Happy Christmas to you, sensei."

Izumi rang Kiichi early the next day.

"Please relay my best wishes to Haruomi-san and Kashima-san, too."

"Merry Christmas to you too, Izumi! And thank you so much for the present you've sent us. We've received them yesterday, but I didn't have the chance to ring you because I had a late shift. It's really thoughtful of you."

Izumi had arranged Christmas presents to be delivered to Aoe Mansion. It was assorted traditional Japanese premium dried food and a bottle of finest toso sake contained in a big silk-lined box. Everyone at Aoe residence seemed to be a food connoisseur, so he thought his selection would make them all happy.

"You're very welcome, sensei."

"It's a pity you've to prepare for exams, so we can't celebrate Christmas together. But with or without exam preparation, on a day like this, I presume you must be with your family anyhow. Am I right?"

Izumi had not told Kiichi he was all alone at home.

"Well, um.. yes."

He did not want Kiichi to be troubled by the thought of him spending Christmas day by himself. After all, it was his choice to be here.

"Study hard, and take good care of yourself."

"I will, sensei."

After Kiichi put the phone down, Haruomi entered the room, handing him some documents he needed to take to the hospital.

"Izumi's just called. He sent you and Shuuhei his Christmas wishes."

"How kind. I wish I could have word with him."

"You will soon. Remember what we had planned for the New Year? By the way, what about the present.."

"Everything has been taken care of, Kiichi. I will go pick them up this afternoon."

"Thank you. Ah, what would I do without you, Kashima Haruomi?"

Kiichi raised his eyes, giving his lover a flirtatious look.

"Here's your Christmas present from me."

He stole a quick kiss from Haruomi's lips, and laughed softly as he ran away when Haruomi tried to capture him in his embrace, wanting more.  
  
  
  
  
Reiji stared at the flame on that white little candle in silence.

The candle was placed above the stone plate read 'Shirakawa Naoya'. Since he was gone, Reiji came here alone every Christmas to light a birthday candle for his lost lover.

_'Happy birthday, my little kitten.'_

Although he got annoyed whenever Kiichi referred to Naoya that way, it started to grow on him over the years. Soon it became Naoya's pet name which he would only use when there were just the two of them.

_'Do you still remember our first Christmas? When I searched high and low for you? I was so upset when I knew you ran away.'_

A sad, faint smile appeared on his face, thinking of the moment he found Naoya sitting alone in the darkness. He would not trade him with all the treasure in this world.

_'I asked you to stay with me for a very long time. Didn't I tell you that, Naoya? But obviously, that very long time wasn't long enough, not for me.'_

Before Reiji realised, the candle burnt out.

_'I love you..'_

How long had he been standing in this cold?  
  
  
  
  
Izumi intended to ring Reiji and wish him on this Christmas day. After he called Kiichi, he tried to reach Reiji through his office and his mobile phone but there was no answer.

He did not keep trying, fearing it might distract Reiji who was probably very busy with his responsibilities at B&B at this time of the year.

Izumi sighed, feeling a little letdown, then he tried to concentrate on his reading.  
  
  
  
  
Reiji had dinner with his family at the Aoe mansion that evening. Kiichi loved to celebrate Christmas, even before Naoya was introduced to the family and his birthday became another reason to make the day special. As normal, a Western meal was prepared for this occasion.

"It'll be difficult for you to drive back in this snow. Why don't you spend a night here?"

Concerned, Kiichi suggested his brother after they had finished dinner.

"I can't. You know our clubs are very crowded during festive seasons, so I need to standby just in case there's an emergency."

Sometimes Kiichi really felt for Reiji. He wished he could lessen the burden his brother carrying as the family's only inheritor, but there was nothing he could do.

"But I'll be fine. Kashima's coming back to B&B with me this evening. He's a great help."

Reiji was not a sensitive person by nature, but with Kiichi there was an exception. Even the slightest glimpse of worry or sadness in his brother's eyes could bother him for a very long time, so he tried his best not to cause Kiichi anxiety. That was probably also one of the reasons why he could never allow himself to grieve over Naoya in front of Kiichi, and why he always tried to give his brother the image that everything was under his control.

"I see."

Kiichi murmured, trying not to dwell on his negative thoughts. His father had died a long time ago, but his words accusing him of being a good-for-nothing son still rang true.

"Well, you can go first if you're in a hurry. Haruomi will drive Kashima soon."

Shuuhei was still helping his brother with cleaning up in the kitchen, and it would take a while.

Reiji lit his cigarette, frowned.

"No, I'd rather wait. Haruomi should be here keeping you company."

Because of those kidnaps in the past, he felt uncomfortable whenever Kiichi had to be left alone.

"He'd have to go out anyway. I've asked him to do an errand."

"What errand are you talking about? It's so late now."

"I want him to deliver our Christmas present for Izumi. He's home by himself, refusing to go to Osaka with his parents over the holidays because he wanted to concentrate on his exam revision. He wouldn't tell me about it, but somehow I got to know. So tonight I thought we might just surprise him."

Alone at Christmas?

That thought bitterly reminded Reiji of Naoya again.

"Here comes Kashima."

Reiji said when he saw his assistant appeared wearing his coat, getting ready to go out.

"Try to get some sleep, and don't forget about New Year's Eve. We all will have the first meal of the year together."

"Of course, I'll be here."

Kiichi's brother replied in earnest.

"And what about the present for Izumi? I'll drop it off for you, so Haruomi wouldn't have to go out."

One of Kiichi's eyebrows raised with surprise when he heard what Reiji had just said.  
  
  
  
  
Izumi just had a talk with his parents. They phoned from Osaka to asked if he was doing all right if he was eating well, and cautioned him not to stress himself out. He told his parents not to worry, for he had decided to give himself a break the whole afternoon.

It was already eleven, and Izumi thought he should go to bed. As he turned off the light, he could still see Takamiya's photograph on his study desk vaguely. That tender smile never failed to warm his heart.

"Merry Christmas to you, Takamiya-san."

He was about to touch that photograph, but he suddenly paused when he thought he heard something.

It was the sound of the doorbell. But who could that be? He did not expect any visitor at this hour.

He listened again in silence, and not so soon the doorbell was rung again. This time it was exceptionally long as if the person was getting impatient.

Izumi rushed downstairs. He saw the silhouette of someone with a tall frame standing outside, but he was not quite sure if he should answer the door. It was dark, and he was all alone. What if the person was a burglar? But why would a burglar ring the doorbell in the first place?

While he was nervous and not knowing what to do, that silhouette finally disappeared. Relieved, Izumi sat down and sighed. But then the phone rang and that startled him. Once he got himself together, however, he picked up the receiver, hoping it would be his parents.

"Sakashita residence."

"Oh Izumi, so you are home!"

The voice of the speaker really astonished him. He could not mistake it for someone else's.

"I.. I am."

It was Aoe Reiji.

"Then what were you doing? Or were you already in bed? Anyway, just come and open the door. Kiichi asked me to give you something."

Then he hung up just like that, the same time as that silhouette reappeared once again in front of the door.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know who could it be, so I.."

Izumi quickly explained when he opened the door.

"It doesn't matter. Here, take this. It's a Christmas present from Kiichi."

Reiji handed him a very huge flat box. Its length was even longer than his height. Izumi took the 'present' and handled it with care, wondering what could that be.

"Thank you very much, Aoe-san."

"Well, I'm just delivering it. He asked you to come and stay with us on New Year's Eve too, so call him when you can and let him know."

"I certainly will."

"Are you home alone?"

"Yes. My parents went to Osaka, but I'm here preparing for my exams."

Reiji nodded.

"Do your best then. I've got to go now."

He quickly walked away, heading back to his car.

"Merry Christmas to you, Aoe-san!"

Izumi uttered louder than usual, hoping Reiji would hear it before he went too far.

Reiji turned around. "Same to you."

Then the man did something he had rarely done. He smiled at Izumi. Even though it lasted only a few seconds, Izumi could see that was a smile Reiji did not force. It was a genuine one that showed friendliness, and perhaps a little happiness.

When Reji got in his car and drove away, Izumi closed the door.

He did not quite understand why his face grew hot when the weather was extremely cold.  
  
  
  
  
Izumi's eyes widened when he unwrapped the present and saw what were inside.

It was a bamboo kyudo bow, the expensive kind that only professional Japanese archers would use, and also a kyudo glove made from genuine deer leather.

Izumi dared not think how much these would cost. Of all the kyudo equipment, the bow and the glove are considered the most expensive, and Kiichi had given them both to him.  
_  
Dear Izumi,_

_Happy Christmas. We hope you like our presents.  
Prepare well for your exams and please come celebrate New Year with us.  
We will be looking forward to seeing you._

_Aoe - Kashima_

Izumi read a small note attached. It was beautifully written by brush on a piece of decorated rice paper, displaying Kiichi's sophisticated skill in Japanese calligraphy.

He was truly overwhelmed to be showered by so much affection and kindness from people who were not of his own family. Izumi could hardly wait for the new day to come, so he would give Kiichi a call and tell him how much he appreciated this.  
  
  
  
  
On New Year's Eve, Izumi arrived at the Aoe mansion in the afternoon. This would be the first time he staying over, and the first time since Takamiya's death he celebrated New Year with people who were not his parents.

"It is very kind of sensei to have invited me. I hope this would not trouble you so much."

Izumi said politely as Haruomi led him to his bedroom.

"Of course not. It's a great pleasure to have you, Izumi-san."

Haruomi told him, smiling.

"Please make yourself at home. Your mother has personally asked Kiichi-sama if he could give you a ring from time to time while she was away, as she was concerned you'd be lonely. When Kiichi-sama knew, he asked for your mother's permission to invite you over for New Year celebration right away. He truly wants you to be here, and so do we."

"So sensei knows from the very start that my parents are away?"

"Yes, he does. If only you wouldn't have to concentrate on your revision, he would have asked you to come and stay here since the first day your parents left for Osaka!"  
  
  
  
  
"Sensei.."

Izumi took Kiichi's hand in his.

"I know I've already said it, but thank you so much once again for the present, and most of all for inviting me over."

Kiichi looked at Izumi. The young man now seemed much happier than the time he first met him, and such difference brought great joy to Kiichi's heart.

"Not at all, Izumi. I only hope this wouldn't take so much time from your study. Still, I believe you shouldn't be alone on New Year's Day. Christmas was enough."

"Really, sensei, for all the things you've done for me... I don't know if I could ever thank you enough."

"Be happy, and stay happy for me. That's all I'm asking you."

That trait of deep sorrow used to be so apparent in Izumi's eyes had faded, and nothing could delight him more. Because of this, Kiichi had a feeling the next year would be a very good year for both of them.

"Reiji's here. I'll go preparing for dinner now."

Haruomi entered the room briefly to inform his lover, then went to the kitchen.

Izumi felt his heart skipped a beat when he heard that, but then he tried to fight back those feelings he could see coming.

No, he was not supposed to feel this way...

He should not allow himself to feel this way.  
  
  
  
  
After dinner, Izumi stayed with Kiichi and Haruomi for a while before excusing himself to do a bit of reading in his room. He did not mean to be so uptight, but the exams would be right after his winter break. What is more, it was not his style to cram a few days before the exams. He preferred to take his time and take knowledge in steadily. It worked better for him that way.

"You may go, Izumi. But promise me you won't go to bed later than midnight. We'll have our first meal early in the morning tomorrow, so I want you to have enough sleep and wake up feeling fresh for that."

"I'll be reading for only a couple of hours, sensei. Please don't worry."

He reassured his host.

"Good night then, Izumi. See you in the morning."

"Good night, sensei. Good night, Haruomi-san."

After Izumi left the room, Haruomi cuddled up close and wrapped a wool blanket around Kiichi's shoulders.

"How long do you wish to keep worrying me?"

He complained, but not seriously.

"You never wear the warm clothes I've selected for you, and always toss this blanket away. Why torture yourself in this freezing weather?"

Kiichi smiled, nestling against Haruomi's warm chest.

"Because that's the only way to get you to hug me like this."

"That's not true at all. You know you always have your way to get me to hug you, even in the bathtub where it's very warm and I hate to get soaking wet."

The householder of Aoe mansion argued, placing a soft kiss on Kiichi's cheek.

"Well, then you're probably right about the torture part. It might run in the family. We all feel the need to torture something", he said softly.

"My father tortured Nishiki-san and us. I tortured myself with coldness as you said."

"No, I don't think it runs it the family. At least Reiji never tortured anyone."

"You think so?"

Kiichi looked up, gazing into Haruomi's eyes.

"I've always thought he loves to torture himself the most. He inherited our father's business even though he's always hated it. He wouldn't let me help bear his burden in any way. Whenever his heart was broken, he chose to suffer in silence."

The firstborn of Aoe Shougo paused, looking pensive.

"He craves for love, but whenever love eventually comes knocking on his door he simply runs away. I think that's the worst kind of torture a man could ever give oneself."

Haruomi listened quietly.

It seemed Kiichi was trying to tell him something he did not know.  
  
  
  
  
Izumi still lay wide awake although it was really late.

He tried to go to bed as early as he could, but he neither felt sleepy nor could make himself go to sleep. After tossing and turning for more than half an hour, he decided to get up, wrapped the down blanket he brought from home around himself, and came out of his bedroom.

The spacious beautiful garden of Aoe estate in daylight had become strangely desolate in the dark. Looking around, Izumi felt nothing but emptiness. There were only a few stars on that charcoal-coloured sky, and they were not bright enough to chase away this gloom at night.

Izumi soon reached the terrace behind the lawn where he practised kyudo in summer, which also bridged the house's eastern and western wing together. His mind wandering somewhere else as he walked nearer to the western wing where Reiji stayed..

The young man finally stopped walking when he saw someone at the very end of that terrace. He noticed a dim little spark of red light in the dark and realised it was Reiji standing there smoking.

Seemed Reiji could feel his presence too because he slowly turned to look his way.

"Aren't you supposed to be in bed already?"

Reiji asked plainly. Even from a distance, he could tell it was Izumi. The boy was pretty small compared to others in his family.

"I couldn't go to sleep."

Izumi replied, feeling better knowing Reiji did not seem to resent him being there.

"I never thought someone your age would have trouble going to sleep."

"..........."

He wanted to tell Reiji he never had this problem before, but it started after Takamiya was gone, especially the first two years when he still could not come to terms with his death.

Izumi did not say it, however.

Most of the time, he was nervous whenever Reiji was around, and frequently was really intimidated by his sombreness. But tonight he felt unusually bold, or it could be that Reiji looked more vulnerable than he normally appeared.

The sight of him standing there in darkness deeply moved Izumi. Something told Izumi Reiji was lonely, very lonely.

He walked a little closer, and stood near him.

"What about you, Aoe-san? Do you always stay up this late?"

"No."

He heard Reiji sighed.

"I couldn't go to sleep, just like you."

"May I ask why?"

Reiji looked at him. Those intense eyes still shone even in darkness.

"And why would you want to know?"

There was certain calmness in his voice, so Reiji was not offended by his question.

"Because it might probably be the same reason why I couldn't go to sleep easily a few years back."

Reiji fell silent as if he was not certain if he should keep talking on this subject. But then he surprised Izumi by answering the question.

"Had it been someone else asking me the same thing, I would have probably been very annoyed and walked away. But you.. you might understand it better than most people."

"I still miss Naoya terribly. That's the reason why I have so many sleepless nights, including this one."

Izumi listened. His eyes never left the side of Reiji's face.

"It'll soon be his death anniversary once again, but no matter how long he's never forgotten. I just can't.. forget him."

Reiji's voice trailed off. He swallowed hard, feeling it was still tough to talk about Naoya after all these years.

There was a long silence, and when Izumi was certain Reiji would not want to say anything further, he began to speak gently.

"Aoe-san, nobody asked you to forget about Naoya. You can always remember him, given that you try not to let the painful part of memories hurt you too much."

He thought of himself when he had just lost Takamiya. Looking back, it was hard to recover and move on, but it was not impossible.

"I've been through this myself. I refused to let go because that pain was the only thing that kept me close to Takamiya-san. But gradually I've realised my suffering could only make things worse. Not only did it imprison me and stop me from moving on, but it also caused my loved ones so many worries, my parents especially."

"And was it that easy for you to let go?"

Reiji countered, remembering the scar on Izumi's left wrist.

"It wasn't but I tried. I'm still trying, as a matter of fact."

Izumi continued.

"There are nights when my mind is filled with thoughts of him, but I always tell myself to think about the good times we had, the ones that will make me happy whenever I recall."

The void in his heart was still there, and to fill it up would surely take time. Izumi had no idea how and when, but the last thing he wanted to do was to make it any bigger.

"I think moving on and giving yourself a fresh start doesn't mean you forget about someone you cherish in your memories. Takamiya-san's still here with me in my heart no matter what I do, and I'm sure he must be proud to see me get stronger each day."

"Aoe-san, you told me if you could survive and move on, then so could I. Now that I've started to move on and be a little happy about my life, I believe the same thing could happen to you too."

"Is that so?"

Reiji sounded unconvinced.

Izumi smiled sadly. It seemed what he said to Reiji would not make any difference. The man did not even look at him. He was lost in his own thoughts, which probably be about that boy he had loved and lost.

"Nobody wants to see you suffer. I'm not talking about your family only, but also the person who might now be looking at you from up above. Do you think Naoya would be happy if he knew you were caught up in this misery, and wouldn't reach out for happiness again, ever?"

The young man's words stirred up the feelings Reiji had kept hidden for a long time. What he said pained him, but it was so true. He did not respond, however, and stood still like a statue. His eyes gazed into the dark as if there was something he wanted to search for.

All of sudden Izumi felt tears in his own eyes. It hurt to see Reiji look so sad, and any effort to comfort him seemed to be in vain. There was really nothing he could do.

He then slowly pulled away the blanket wrapping around himself, and softly covered it around Reiji's shoulders.

Reiji turned to him. He could still feel Izumi's body warmth from that blanket, and his eyes were full of unspoken questions. But he was silent as usual.

Their eyes locked, and before Reiji could manage to say anything he found himself inside Izumi's embrace.

The boy held him gently at first, and later tightened his arms around him. He rested his head on Reiji's shoulder.

".........."

Izumi could feel Reiji's body tensed up. He seemed to be taken aback but did not try to pull away. This must have been completely unexpected for him. But Izumi just stood there and hug him, hoping this tender touch would somehow alleviate the man's pain.

If only I could hurt for you, and cry for you..

"It's really cold, Aoe-san."

He brought Reiji's hand to take hold of that blanket as he slowly drew back.

"Keep this blanket with you if you wish to stay out here for a while. It'll keep you warm."

Izumi was grateful for that almost starless night for the first time because it helped blind his tears.

"This is the only thing I can do for you, I suppose. I wish I could make you happy but I'm of no use. I'm not Naoya after all.."

He felt a sharp pain in his heart when he heard himself.

"Good night, Aoe-san."

Izumi turned away, heading back to his bedroom. He left Reiji standing there, stunned.  
  
  
  
  
New Year's Day..

"Good morning, Izumi-san."

Haruomi came to wake him up.

"Breakfast will be ready in forty minutes. Please come and join us in the dining room then."

"Thank you, Haruomi-san. I'll get ready now."

Izumi slowly rose from his bed.

Even after Haruomi had already gone and he should be getting dressed, however, he still sat there, feeling heavy-hearted.

He wished he could forget what he heard last night, but everything remained so vividly in his mind.

Reiji's heart still belonged to Shirakawa Naoya, and that probably would never change...

_I still miss Naoya terribly.._

He thought the incident that happened on Reiji's birthday was bad enough, but now the sight of Reiji longing for someone eternally gone would haunt him, and wound him so much more.  
  
  
  
  
As they had their first meal together, Izumi could not notice any difference in Reiji's behaviour towards him. He did not avoid his eyes, nor did he speak to Izumi less. But at the same time, it seemed the embrace he gave Reiji last night had not changed anything between them.

Izumi did not understand why the pain in his heart still lingered. Why must he be disappointed? What did he expect in the first place? He should be thankful that Reiji did not start to keep distance because of what he did.

Reiji left with Shuuhei later that morning. There were some important arrangements for B&B they needed to handle, and therefore could not stay even though it was New Year's Day.

Izumi stayed behind and spent the whole day with Kiichi and Haruomi as usual.

"Is this a good start for your New Year, Izumi?"

Kiichi asked his young friend. The doctor himself was very happy with the family's New Year get-together, but he noticed Izumi looked a little absent-minded. He, therefore, doubted if something was wrong.

"It really is, sensei. I'm so glad to celebrate New Year with you."

"I feel the same way. Now tell me what is your wish for the year to come? Any wish you made when you saw the first sunrise of the year?"

He propped up on an elbow, looking at the boy.

"Certainly to graduate with good marks, to go further my study abroad, and to finally make my parents and you proud, sensei."

"I wouldn't worry if I were you, Izumi. You've worked really hard, and I'm sure your effort will be fruitful."

Kiichi's eyes searched Izumi's.

"But I'm surprised, for it seems your study's the only thing that matters to you. What are your other wishes? I'm sure you've got more."

"Well, then I guess I wish to develop my kyudo skill to the level that deserves using the equipment you gave me as a present."

Izumi replied, looking away unconsciously.

"I see."

Kiichi murmured.

"It could only be my imagination, but is there something bothering you? You don't seem yourself this morning."

"Really?"

Izumi forced a chuckle. He tried to look astonished.

"There's noting wrong, sensei. I'm fine."

He smiled.

"I really am."

Kiichi did not persist in asking more questions. He then changed the subject and talked about their next kyudo session instead.

Perhaps it was too soon for Izumi to talk about feelings he hid deep in his heart...  
  
  
  
  
It was late in the evening when Reiji returned to his apartment. He was tired, and dying to have a good rest.

He soon sat on the bed smoking, staring at Naoya's photograph on the wall in silence.

_Where would you be now?_

Reiji sighed. He wished letting go would not be so hard, but everywhere he went he saw Naoya. Sometimes it made him smile, but most of the time it saddened him.

_I wish I could make you happy but I'm of no use. I'm not Naoya after all.._

Just when he least expected it, he recalled what Izumi said last night. The boy sounded strangely melancholic, and he wondered why.

But Reiji stopped himself there. He extinguished his cigarette, got up, and went into the shower.

He did not want to acknowledge anything.

He was not ready to be responsible for anyone's feelings. It was hard enough coping with his own when he had not really recovered from the trauma of losing Naoya.  
  
  
  
  
On the fifth death anniversary of both Naoya and Takamiya, Izumi visited Naoya's cemetery with the Aoe family for the first time.

He noticed tears in Kiichi's eyes when the doctor lay down a big bouquet of flowers for that beloved boy, but they quickly disappeared in no time. Despite such admirable composure, Izumi knew the loss of Naoya still troubled Kiichi even now.

After a long quiet moment, Haruomi and Shuuhei went to wait outside. And not so soon Kiichi whispered only to Izumi, "Shall we go?"

He knew his younger brother preferred to be alone at a time like this. Izumi nodded. He perfectly understood.

Izumi glanced at Reiji just before they walked away and left him behind. The man's face was expressionless, but Izumi knew it was just a mask to cover up his grief.

It hurt Izumi to see him like that.

It hurt him even more when he realised no matter what he did, he might never be able to heal Reiji's injured heart.  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka.

  
  
  
"Are you sure you want to be alone, Izumi?"

"Yes,” replied Izumi gently but firmly.

"Even when my mother accompanied me, she'd leave first and let me stay behind."

After visiting Naoya, Haruomi drove them both to Takamiya's cemetery. Being a caring person, Kiichi wanted to be certain Izumi would be all right on his own.

"I'll be fine, sensei."

He repeated, holding a big bouquet of white lilies in his arms.

"Well, see you next Sunday then."

Kiichi touched his shoulder and rested his hand there for a moment, then went back to his car.

Izumi soon sat down and placed his flowers carefully in front of Takamiya's stone plate. It had been five years already, but he never felt Takamiya was too far away.

'Takamiya-san,' the young man thought to himself, 'I'll really need some strength from you this time.'

'I hope I can bear this pain in my heart, and be strong enough to make someone a little happier.'

'But Takamiya-san, is it wrong to love again?'

Izumi would not know that someone up above was looking at him, and already smiling at him understandingly.  
  
  
  
  
Since the day Izumi tripped on his hakama trousers, this was the first time Reiji came to help him with kyudo practice. It was not that the man volunteered to, but it was only because both Kiichi and Haruomi were not available at the same time.

And even though Reiji had not changed the way he treated him, something was different. Izumi could feel it. There was this little distance that came between them..

Reiji came walking into the dojo where Izumi was standing there by himself.

"Good morning, Aoe-san."

He nodded, but did not greet him back.

"Hassetsu."

That was all Reiji said to him, and it was well understood Izumi had to start practising those basic sequel movements.

Izumi tried to focus and shoot, but he unfortunately missed it. His arrow flew too far and dropped beyond the target.

"Try one more time."

He did as told, but it happened again. His second arrow did not even touch the thin paper stretched on the target.

"One more time," Reiji repeated.

This time he thought he did a lot better. His arrow hit the target almost in the middle, but Reiji was not satisfied.

"You did not lower the bow properly. Start from the very beginning."

Izumi began to be nervous. The session today had not started very well. He could feel the tension. The young man, therefore, stepped back and prepare to lift up his bow again, but..

"Mind your feet. That was not the way Japanese archers are taught to stand."

He then shifted and made sure his feet were positioned correctly. He was sure this time he did everything right. The moment he released the bow, however, he realised he did it with too much force. That resulted in his arrow hitting the edge of the target.

**"Why on earth did you clutch to your bow like that!?!"**

Reiji's voice was much louder, and it echoed around the dojo when he reminded the boy of his weakness.

Izumi was getting ready to try again, but Reiji came forward and gently caught his bow.

"I think we should stop for now. You obviously haven't concentrated enough. Kiichi told me you've immensely improved, but how come your performance has turned out like this?"

The young man's face fell. He automatically lowered the bow.

"I'm sorry."

He too did not know why everything went wrong.

"You've been practising Hassetsu for more than six months already. You're supposed to do much better than what I've just seen. If this went on, you wouldn’t even pass the first level exam!"

Reiji criticised him harshly.

Izumi looked at him, feeling hurt. He may not be the best kyudo student, but he had tried. He tried very hard. But it seemed he would never be good enough in Reiji's eyes.

"I'm really sorry."

He did not know what would be a better thing to say.

Reiji continued: "Perhaps I'm not such a good coach after all. I can't even make you concentrate on what you're doing. I think I should tell Kiichi I can no longer be of any help in your kyudo practice."

Those words struck Izumi's heart. The brim of his eyes suddenly grew hot.

Reiji, however, was no longer there to witness those tears. The man turned away and walked out of the dojo once he finished talking.  
  
  
  
  
That evening Reiji drove Izumi home as usual, but the boy's reddened eyes and his unusual gloominess were too apparent. Even Shuuhei who was normally too busy to notice anything asked Haruomi if anything happened to their young guest. The latter, however, just replied politely that he did not have a clue.

"Haruomi, you helped Izumi with the equipment at the end of his kyudo session this morning, didn't you? Was there something wrong?"

Concerned, Kiichi asked his lover when they were finally alone.

"I saw him practising by himself when I entered the dojo," the householder hesitated.

"It seemed Izumi was upset about something… because he was crying."

"Wasn't Reiji with him?"

"No, he was alone."

"I really wonder what was going on between them. Izumi wouldn't say anything when I asked, and Reiji's been strangely moody all afternoon."

Kiichi could not get the matter out of his head. He was really worried about Izumi. That boy's tears always troubled him deeply.  
  
  
  
  
There was a dead silence in Reiji's car.

Izumi had been exceptionally quiet, trying hard not to think about what Reiji said that morning. It was so painful to realise that the man never cared for him, nor for his feelings that had been unexpectedly yet slowly budding.

He wished he had declined Reiji's offer to give him this lift. It would be much better if he could catch a train home and sit by himself crying. No one would care.

Izumi quickly turned his face towards the car window when he felt tears brimming.

Reiji shifted, feeling more and more uneasy. He found Izumi's behaviour extremely childish and irrational, which he would not tolerate.

"Why on earth are you crying, Izumi?", he said impatiently.

"I only pointed out your weaknesses in your kyudo skill, but you're acting as if I had done something to extremely hurt you!"

Izumi wiped his tears away, "I'm just.."

"I'm just feeling horrible. Nothing I've done seems to be good enough in your eyes."

"So?" Reiji retorted.

"If you think you've done your best, you should no longer be bothered about my opinion. I'm not that important to you anyway."

Izumi swallowed hard. This man never failed to push him away with his indifference, and this was what hurting him over and over again.

He did not reject his feelings, yet he did not acknowledge they existed either. Reiji behaved as if what he had said and done to him that night never happened.

"I'm sorry, Aoe-san."

That was all Izumi could say.

"I'm sorry.."

 _For being such a burden to you.._  
  
  
  
  
The week after, as they were playing chess quietly, Kiichi decided to bring up the same topic.

"Izumi, I'm still concerned about last week. You seemed distressed. You still are, as a matter of fact."

There was a long pause as he waited for Izumi's reply.

"Well.."

His heart hurt. Kiichi's kindness simply rubbed the wound he had tried so hard to forget.

"It was entirely my fault. I didn't focus enough when Aoe-san instructed me, so I was frustrated with myself and got upset."

"Is that so?", Kiichi moved his pawn.

"And what did Reiji say?"

"He just said it was essential I know what my weaknesses are, and that I shouldn't cry over a matter as such."

"So you were upset only because of your kyudo training?"

"Yes."

Izumi looked up, gazing at Kiichi's beautiful face.

"Didn't Aoe-san tell you that he wouldn't want to help me with the practice anymore?"

"Of course not!"

Kiichi suddenly lost his interest in the chess game they were playing.

"I wouldn't even let him even if he said so."

"No, sensei, you don't understand.."

Izumi bit his lips.

"This isn't about him. It's about me. The next time Haruomi-san and you cannot keep me company during my practice again, please let me try on my own. There's no need to bother Aoe-san. I'm only wasting Aoe-san's time and he doesn't deserve that. I'll do my best to correct my weaknesses without his help."

To Kiichi Izumi did not only sound unusually humble but also deeply hurt. He himself had been hard on Izumi in their practice session many times, but the young man never reacted this way.

What he had just said only confirmed Kiichi's suspicion.

This was not an ordinary reaction of a disheartened novice archer, but more like a rejected lover.  
  
  
  
  
Since then, Izumi felt as if Reiji was gently slipping away from him.

They frequently met at Aoe Mansion and the man still dropped him home on his way back, but the distance between them just grew wider and wider.

Izumi was not certain if Reiji was doing that on purpose, or if he was just being too preoccupied with his work that he did not have time to think about anything else.

He did not even know if what he was trying to tell him was being properly heard, but he only knew that it got more painful each time Reiji was near. No matter how close they were, his feelings could never move nor touch him.

Reiji, indeed, was so near yet so far..  
  
  
  
  
Another year went by, and Izumi finally graduated from his university with exceptional marks. He had planned long before his graduation that he would further his study in England, for he wanted to be in the same university where Takamiya once was. So even though life as a student was over, he was busy with submitting applications, both for universities and scholarship sponsors.

His final year at the university was tough, and he needed to concentrate to achieve the standard he had set for himself. Izumi did not have enough time for kyudo practice over the last six months as a result. In a way, he was relieved he had this excuse to put kyudo practice on hold. That last session with Reiji left him a bitter aftertaste, and he did not want to dwell on it.

However, he still visited Kiichi every Sunday, even if the sight of the doctor's brother always gave him a sharp pain whenever they met by chance.  
  
  
  
  
One fine day, Izumi brought Kiichi a very good news.

"Really?", exclaimed Kiichi with excitement.

"You've been offered a place and also a full scholarship from the university?"

"Yes, sensei. I received the letter yesterday and now I'm so happy."

Izumi smiled, feeling proud of himself.

"The only thing that makes me sad is I have to leave in two months' time, as the new academic year will start in September. It's still all too soon for me even though I've been expecting this."

He turned to Kiichi and noticed the doctor's eyes saddened.

"How long will it take you to get your degree?"

"Only about a year, sensei. Master's Degree in British educational system doesn't take so long, but I've been warned that it would be pretty intense."

"You'll make it. I believe in you."

Kiichi sighed.

"So after the next two months, I won't be seeing you for a while. Oh, Izumi, I think I'm going to miss you badly. Over the past two years you've become a part of my family, do you know?"

"That's very kind of you to say so."

"When you return, will you come to visit us just like you do now?"

"What a question, sensei. Of course, I will."

Izumi reassured him without any hesitation. No matter what, Kiichi would always be one of the most important persons in his life. When he was lost, this man came to rescue him, nurture him and strengthen him till he could find his way back again.

"Without your help and understanding, I wouldn't have come this far. I would never walk away from you. You too are like my family."

"We all are your family."

Kiichi corrected him, looking into Izumi's eyes.

"Reiji will surely be very happy to learn about your accomplishment."

"I.. I guess so."

Izumi's voice became much softer when Kiichi mentioned his brother. The young man felt the urge to lower his eyes, looking at his own lap.

"Izumi.."

Kiichi asked him.

"Is there something between my brother and you that I don't know?"

"What do you mean, sensei?"

Izumi forced himself to meet Kiichi's eyes, pretending he was puzzled to hear the question.

"You two have been unusually distant to each other for a while already."

"That's only because I've been busy with my study and exams, and he too is busy with his work I suppose."

The boy smiled although he felt like running away.

"Reiji's always been busy."

"Sensei, I don't understand why you're talking about him."

Izumi started to be nervous. He did not even realise that he was blushing.

"Because I think we should talk about him."

Those dark beautiful eyes of Kiichi's searched his, trying to find something that had been hidden deep inside.

"Tell me..," murmured Kiichi.

"Are you in love?"

His voice was so tender, but the question was so cruel..

".........."

"Are you, Izumi?"

"No."

Izumi whispered. His cheeks grew hot, and so did the brim of his eyes.

Please, sensei..

_Don't do this to me. I'm trying so hard to forget those feelings.._

"Love is a strange thing."

Kiichi continued as if he didn't hear the boy's denial.

"The more one tries to keep it hidden, the more apparent it becomes."

Izumi's lips quivered. This dam of emotions would burst soon if Kiichi did not stop..

"Why did you cry so much on the last day Reiji helped you with your practice?"

"I don't know."

Izumi lowered his head, avoiding Kiichi's eyes. His voice started to tremble.

"I don't know, sensei. Please don't ask anymore."

He tried to hold back, but the attempt was in vain. Tears finally rolled down his face.  
  
  
  
  
Kiichi moved to sit closer to Izumi. The young man shifted nervously as he reached for his handkerchief to wipe those tears away.

_How embarrassing.._

"If nothing really happened, why did you cry then? And why are you crying now?"

The doctor put his arm around Izumi's shoulder, trying to coax him to talk it out.

"Look, you're not a child anymore. There's no way you would cry just because my brother scolded you during the practice session. You even asked me not to trouble Reiji to help coach you again. It's so obvious something had gone seriously wrong since that day."

"I just didn't want to be a burden to Aoe-san."

"Why do you keep saying that? You know you're never a burden to any of us."

Kiichi frowned.

"But to Aoe-san, I know I am."

Izumi insisted, starting to sob.

"I'm never good enough. I never will be.."

He knew he was neither talking about his kyudo skill nor his academic performance, but about himself as someone who hoped to be accepted and loved by one particular person.

"I'm so sorry, sensei."

He tried to hide his face in his palms.

"I'm terribly sorry. I'm not supposed to feel this way..."

Is this a betrayal to Takamiya? Is he just a spoiled brat who wanted more than he could have? Will Reiji ever change the way he looked at him?

"Now, don't blame yourself, Izumi."

Kiichi drew him close and let him cry on his shoulder.

"Has it been that obvious, sensei? I've tried so hard not to show it. I didn't know it was plain for everyone to see. No wonder Aoe-san is so displeased with me.."

"No, Izumi. It's not what you think."

Kiichi calmed him down.

"I can sense what was going on because I know you, and because I know my brother. I've also been around long enough to know that tears do not always mean weakness."

"You see, apart from the time we talked about Takamiya, I've never seen you cried over other matters. You may not smile so easily, but I know it's also difficult to make you cry."

Izumi listened quietly, feeling Kiichi's warmth as he hugged him. His tears were not quite dry.

"So someone must have really hurt you or moved you to lose so many tears. Am I right?"

At the same time Kiichi was thinking about his brother. Between the two Reiji was the more difficult one to read, but his intuition told him Reiji too had a special place for Izumi in his heart. He just did not realise it yet.

He was surprised when Reiji agreed to demonstrate his archery ability in front of Izumi without any reluctance. Then he was even more astonished when his brother offered to help drop Izumi's Christmas present on the busiest night of the year.

Reiji was not the kind of person who would bother to go an extra mile just to be nice to anyone, but with Izumi it had always been different. His brother actually cared about this young man more than he thought.

"Whatever went wrong, I really hope you two would patch up and be on good terms again before you leave. I would hate to see you go with this terrible misunderstanding unresolved."

"There's no misunderstanding, sensei."

Izumi said softly.

"My feelings for him could never be reciprocated. Now you know why he needs to keep his distance."

That was not only a confession but also a sign showing that the boy had already lost hope in his new love.

"Izumi.."

Kiichi gently ruffled his hair. "I should not be saying this, but if I were you I would not give up so easily on what I really want. Life is anything but a certainty. Feelings change. People change. What appears to be unattainable now might be much easier to get hold of in the future."

He thought of himself as he spoke. The young Kiichi wanted freedom, to have his hair cut, and to be able to live without fear. He never thought he would be granted those wishes, but now he got it all.

"I doubt if I could change Aoe-san's mind."

Izumi pressed his face against Kiichi's shoulder. It had been a long time since someone last held him like this.

"My heart hurts whenever I think of Naoya. He was so special in every way. The first time we met he even helped protect me when we both encountered some gangsters, while I was shrinking away like a helpless fool."

Although that was years ago, the picture of Reiji taking that boy into his arms so protectively still remained vividly in his mind.

"And look at me, sensei. I'm just a plain young man and there's nothing striking or exceptional about me. The only man who has ever told me I'm special was Takamiya-san. But now that he's gone I don't know if there would be anyone to see me the same way he did."

He sobbed bitterly and told Kiichi his greatest fear.

"I can accept it if I must be patient and take my time to show Aoe-san that my feelings are true. But if I had to compete and be compared with Naoya in Aoe-san's memories, I don't think I would ever win his heart, no."

"Why are you belittling yourself like that? Isn't it clear that you're so special to us?"

Kiichi looked at him.

"So what if you can't fight with gangsters? You still have got other great qualities which make people love you. To me, you're so sensitive and considerate towards other people's feelings. You never want to hurt anyone. These are just a few great things about you to begin with."

"If an incredible person like Takamiya thought you're special, I can't see why others wouldn't feel the same about you."

"I don't know very much about Takamiya. We only met a few times. But I remember my brother saying he's got a really fine taste. Whether it's his kind of music, food, or dressing style, everything reflects that only things selected with great care could make him happy."

"And now that I've gotten to know you, I agree with my brother. He really has the finest taste, or else he wouldn't have chosen to be with someone like you."

Izumi closed his eyes..

_Is it true, sensei?_

"Please don't cry, Izumi. Rest assured there will always be people who appreciate you as you are, and nobody could ever hate a tender-hearted person like you."

"I only hope Aoe-san wouldn't hate me.."

"He doesn't hate you and he never will. You should know my brother by now."

Kiichi spoke low.

"But is that what you really want? For him only to not hate you? Look at me, Izumi."

He opened his eyes and faced Kiichi reluctantly. Kiichi saw tears brimming, as well as pain shining from Izumi's eyes. This pain, however, was different from the one he saw when they talked about Takamiya. There was a glimpse of yearning in it.

"What is it that your heart saying?"

Once again, Kiichi's insight and his gentle way of healing one's festering wound defeat him. Izumi gave in, let all his guard down and bared his soul.

"I love him, sensei."

More tears streamed down, and his heart shattered into a thousand pieces as he finally accepted the inevitable truth..

"I love Aoe-san."

"Well, then.."

Kiichi wiped those tears away, "Take my advice because I would say the same to Reiji if he was in your shoes. When you love someone, you don't run away. Fear would never bring two hearts together."

"Courage and persistence may not always lead you to what you want, but at least you would never end up asking yourself 'what if' for the rest of your life. Don't let the past worry you. What matters is here and now."

"This is all I can say to you. Take some time, think it over, and make sure you won't regret a single thing by the time you leave for England. Above all, whatever decision you make, you must be true to yourself."  
  
  
  
  
Since then, Izumi spent most of his time preparing for his departure and meeting up with his relatives and friends. This would be the first time he goes abroad and lives on his own, so it was natural that almost everyone made a fuss over him. He enjoyed every minute of it and the affection he got made him realised he was so much loved and cared for.

Still, something was there at the back of his mind. It would not go away. He still thought of Reiji every single day, wondering what to do. Should he do as his heart and Kiichi told him? Or should he just let this lie and forget it had happened?

Reiji only congratulated him politely when he learned about his further study in England.

"Takamiya would be so proud of you."

That was all the man said to him. He did not even ask when Izumi would be leaving. It seemed as if his existence never made any difference to Reiji in the first place.

Reiji's coldness pained him, yet his feelings only grew stronger. Why would he think so much about him when an exciting future was lying ahead? There was more to life than love..

But no matter how hard he tried..

"What's wrong, Sakashita? Are you homesick already?"

Toku poured him more sake, smiling. The Kyudo club members at the university had arranged this little gathering as a farewell party for him.

"What are you saying? I still have a week left before I fly."

"But you look as if you're missing someone."

Izumi did not know if Toku was just teasing, or if his face really showed it. So he quickly changed the topic.

"So how's your life as an editorial assistant?"

"Not as exciting as I would like it to be, but I'm thankful I got a job right after graduation. On good days I normally have some free time to sneak out and visit our club."

Toku took a sip of his sake.

"Will you resume practising kyudo once you're back from England?"

"I still don't know, but I hope so. I like kyudo after all.", said Izumi.

"Thank you for convincing me to join this club from the very start. It's a decision I’ll never regret. Although I'm not the best kyudo-ka, I still.."

"But you're one of the best club members we've ever had, senpai."

One of the juniors cut in.

"Your perseverance set a very high standard for all of us. We still remember how you helped encourage us when we first joined the club. To tell you the truth, we've been missing you since your graduation."

"See?"

Toku smiled.

"You're an asset to our club. Weren't we lucky to have Sakashita-senpai?"

"Of course! Now let's give a toast to Sakashita-senpai and wish him success for the future!!"

"Kampai!!"

"Please come visit our dojo again when you come back. You won't forget about us, will you?"

"How could I ever forget you guys?"

Overwhelmed, Izumi's voice was almost inaudible.

"Thank you so much. Thank you.."  
  
  
  
  
His last day in Japan had finally arrived.

After dinner with his parents, Izumi came to visit Kiichi and Haruomi at Aoe Mansion to say goodbye. The doctor seemed unusually sombre and Haruomi did all the talking at first. Soon, however, he excused himself and left Izumi with Kiichi alone.

Kiichi looked at him silently for a moment.

"You'll be leaving tomorrow."

"Yes, sensei."

"Thank you for coming over to see me. You know I’d never go and see you off at the airport, don't you?", Kiichi sighed.

"I don't really like saying goodbye."

"I understand, sensei. It won't be good for me either. Also, I'd rather you come to see me the day I return."

He smiled at the man who taught him to be strong and live on, no matter how the past hurt.

"Please relay my message to Aoe-san that I said goodbye. I won't be seeing him before I go, so.."

Izumi felt a sharp pain in his chest as he spoke. The thought of saying goodbye to Reiji saddened him. After all, this might not be because he would go away, but because he realised there was no use hanging on to this unrequited love. So he must detach his heart before it got too unbearable.

"What's this need to relay your message?" asked Kiichi softly.

"Shouldn't you say goodbye to him yourself?"

When Izumi looked up to read Kiichi's facial expression, he knew Kiichi was not joking.  
  
  
  
  
'But..', Izumi hesitated.

Going to the top floor of B&B building this late would be a daunting task for him. Reiji once said it was only for Naoya and Aoe family members who were allowed to do so.

'You should go, Izumi.', Kiichi insisted as he handed him the keycard to enter the building.

'No matter what Reiji says to you, at least you'll get a chance to see him before you go.'

Kiichi knew him too well. He could hear those unspoken words Izumi did not dare say. He could read the message in his eyes despite his silence.

'Haruomi, what's the password to access Reiji's office tonight?'

'It's Bravery.'

Haruomi said, turning to Izumi.

'It's Bravery, Izumi-san.'

He repeated. His face looked gentle and encouraging as he looked the young man's way.

Izumi bit his lips, clutching the keycard in his hand. His heart beated very fast.

Is that a coincidence? Or is the password really a blessing to help him reach out for what he really wants?  
  
  
  
  
"Come in."

Reiji answered after hearing a knock on the door. It must be Shuuhei who came back from one of B&B host clubs in the area.

".........."

But when the person walked in, he realised he was wrong.

"Good evening, Aoe-san."

It's not Shuuhei..

Izumi tried to calm himself down when his eyes met Reiji's. His heartbeat raced so terribly that it hurt his chest.

"Good evening."

He replied plainly, leaning back against his chair.

"What can I do for you?"

Reiji seemed under control as ever. He was so calm, so cool, and so indifferent. Izumi wished he would just frown or shout at him because that meant he could make the man feel something. But none of that happened anymore.

"I come to say goodbye."

Their eyes met.

"Right, Kiichi told me so."

So he knew, but his reaction did not show any surprise or excitement.

"It's a pity I haven't seen you very much lately. We should have taken you out for dinner and treated you properly before you go."

"That doesn't matter, Aoe-san."

Izumi blinked, thinking about the password that got him up here.

Bravery..

He must be brave to tell Reiji exactly what he feels.

"As a matter of fact, I've been wondering if I've caused you uneasiness.."

"Uneasiness?"

Reiji put the pen in his hand down.

"What uneasiness?"

"That night.."

Izumi swallowed hard, "When both of us couldn't get to sleep, what I said to you.."

"But I should thank you for what you said. Didn't you tell me to reach out for happiness and appreciate this life more?"

"That's not what I'm talking about."

Then there was a long awkward pause..

Reiji fixed his eyes on Izumi. To him, Izumi was normally soft and whimsical, not the type of boy he would be approved of or find attractive at all. But this night the boy seemed unsurprisingly confident, and he wondered why.

"Aoe-san, didn't you really understand what I tried to say to you then?"

Izumi could feel his own lips quivered.

"That was my confession. I wanted you to know how I feel about you."

Reiji’s eyes still did not express anything.

"And even if my feelings have to live in Naoya's shadow forever, they still won't change."

He sounded agonising.

"Goodbye, Aoe-san."

Izumi lowered his eyes and prepared to walk away, but then Reiji's voice stopped him.

"What about Takamiya?"

He asked, gazing at Izumi's face still. He didn't know what make him ask that question, but for some unknown reasons that moment his heart skipped as he waited for the answer.

“Have I replaced him so soon? Have you forgotten about him?”

The young man gave him a sad smile.

"He's still here in my heart. I won't ever forget him, but that doesn't mean I can never love again, Aoe-san."  
  
  
  
  
Izumi's life in England had begun smoothly. He settled well in a completely new environment. On a good day he would go out to take a long walk in a park, and quite often he would look up to the sky, thinking about Takamiya.

'Can you see where I am now, Takamiya-san? I'm here at this university, at this country where you used to be.'

'Oh, if only you were here beside me, I'm sure you'd be so thrilled! You promised to take me here and do the punting yourself as we drift along this little canal, remember?'

He smiled, imagining how much fun it would be with Takamiya.

'I know I've come so far, but I still need your support and love as ever. You'll always be with me, won't you?'

Although he could neither hear nor see Takamiya, something told him his late lover had always been with him through thick and thin. The feeling was inexplicable, but he could just sense it.

So his life as a student started again. Sometimes he succeeded. Sometimes he had to get through lots of obstacles. Living abroad had taught him so many life lessons, and the most important thing was not about getting good marks anymore. Rather, it was about being able to enjoy every moment of one's life and to see the good side of every situation one found oneself in.

Despite the new exciting chapter of his life, he never forgot Japan and his loved ones there. He rang home and Aoe Mansion constantly. Whenever he visited interesting places, he always wrote them postcards or sent them small memorabilia. So they know they all were always on his mind.

He never called Reiji, but he wrote a postcard to him once. It contained a short and polite message. Izumi wanted to pour his heart out and write much more but he decided not to.

He just did not want that man to know how terribly he missed him.  
  
  
  
  
Months later Izumi decided to come to London to spend a weekend there. Since his arrival in England, he never really had the time to properly explore the cosmopolitan city due to his demanding academic schedule. But now that he had submitted his essays, he thought it would be nice to take a break by getting away from the campus for a while, as well as enjoying himself in this fascinating place.

So on Saturday morning he visited the Royal Academy of Arts and spent about three hours there. Then his plan was to visit the Victoria and Albert Museum in South Kensington, but just before he headed towards the tube station he thought he should get himself something for lunch first. So he went into one of the coffee bars located near Piccadilly Circus and sat there having his light meal.

He took out a book he had just bought and skimmed it as he was eating. But before he blocked everything around him and got lost in his own world, he heard someone's voice ordering a cup of espresso from behind.

Izumi almost dropped the book in his hands. He asked himself if he was only hearing things as he turned around to look. But he could never mistake that voice to be someone else's..

It was Reiji indeed.

The man was only a few meters away from him. That tall frame was in a long grey winter coat, and his maroon scarf Izumi had seen many times before was wrapped up neatly around his neck. He was just taking his coffee cup from a woman behind the counter and waited for his change.

"Aoe-san."

Surprised, Reiji looked where the voice came from. It was very unusual for him to be addressed that way in a foreign land.

"Izumi?"

He said his name as if he was not quite sure.

"It's so nice to see you here, Aoe-san."

For a moment Izumi's face was glowing. When he saw Reiji, all the pain this man had caused him was temporarily forgotten. After all, this was the face he had longed to see for so many months.

"Please share my table if you don't mind."

Izumi said nervously. He felt blood rushed to his cheeks, doubting if this was just a dream.

"Unless you prefer to be on your own.."

His voice trailed off, half anticipating the disappointment. Reiji did not answer, but he put his coffee cup on the table where Izumi was sitting.

"Are you here by yourself, Aoe-san?" asked Izumi once the man sat down opposite to him.

"Yes."

Reiji drank his coffee.

"I'm here for business."

He looked so still and did not show the slightest excitement to see Izumi, as if they were only passing by each other in the corridor of Aoe Mansion. And that was when Izumi began to remember how his heart was wounded with this kind of coldness before.

This unexpected encounter would never mean to Reiji half as much as it meant to him.

Izumi let out a soft sigh, caressing the bind of the book he was holding in his hand. He really wished he could read what was on Reiji's mind..

"So how have you been?"

Reiji finally asked something about him.

"I'm fine, Aoe-san. I've been a bit stressed out with my study lately but I'm feeling a lot better now. How's sensei? And how's everyone else?"

"They're doing well. Actually, Kiichi wanted me to bring you some Japanese sweets you like, but my plan to visit England wasn't confirmed until the last minute. So by the time I knew I would be coming here, it was too late for Kiichi to arrange and get you those. Sorry about that."

"Not at all, Aoe-san. It's very kind of sensei to have thought of me. Please give him my thanks when you get back."

Seeing 'sensei's brother' simply made him happy enough, even though that happiness came with a little pain of knowing his feelings would never be returned..

"I'm sorry. I've got to go."

Reiji looked at his wristwatch and put that little cup of espresso back on the table.

"Already?"

Izumi looked at him. His eyes glinted with disappointment.

"I've to meet someone at three. It's almost time."

"Aoe-san.." Izumi would not give up so easily.

"How long will you be in London?"

"I'm flying back tomorrow morning."

"Will you be free tonight?"

Izumi pleaded with his eyes.

"I don't think so. Right after this meeting, I'll have a business dinner at seven."

Reiji looked away. This started to make him feel uncomfortable.

"Can't I see you after dinner?"

"I don't know when it'll be over."

He said firmly, trying to sound neither too harsh nor too kind.

"I can wait, Aoe-san. I just.."

Izumi bit his lips. He felt he was about to cry. Even so, Reiji did not look sympathetic. So Izumi quickly gathered his things and got up from the table they were sitting.

"Well, I'll just wait for you tonight by the river near Westminster Bridge, in front of London County Hall. From nine onwards, I'll be there whether you're coming or not."

Then he rushed out and left Reiji standing there, extremely puzzled.

Izumi just did not want to wait around and hear the man saying an explicit no. It would be too much, too painful…  
  
  
  
  
Across the river, he could see Big Ben and the houses of parliament. The golden structure contrasted beautifully with the midnight blue sky. It really was a picturesque sight, but Izumi's attention was elsewhere.

The young man stood there by himself. He knew it was unlikely that Reiji would come, but he still waited. At least the hope that he might see him again kept Izumi happy.

It was already half-past ten when he looked at the time. Izumi tightened his coat around himself. It was bitterly cold and lonely, but he would not give in.

He would wait all night, but he would not walk away.  
  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninksakka.

  
  
  
Izumi's heart skipped when he saw a tall man walking his way, but soon he realised it was not Aoe Reiji.

He let out a deep sigh, all of sudden thinking of Kiichi's words which taught him to be brave and strong for love. Izumi felt he had given his all, but it seemed all his effort had gone in vain..

The minute hand on his wristwatch indicated it would be eleven o'clock soon, which meant he had been standing there waiting for almost five hours. The young man began to be disheartened as he slowly walked to sit on an empty bench. He thought he would be strong enough to cope with this disappointment, but somehow it was still so difficult.

It had been a long time since he last cried because of Reiji, and he told himself never to break down like a lovesick schoolboy ever again. But tonight he felt so cold and empty that he found every single beat of his heart painful..

".........."

His tears started to fall..

_How long will it take you to acknowledge this feeling of mine?_

_Haven't I done enough? Wasn't my heart hurt enough to prove that you're the one I truly want?_

Izumi bent down and buried his face in his palms. He could feel the coldness of his own tears..

It was freezing. He could not feel his fingers anymore. If he still had some senses, he should leave right now before the weather got any worse. But he just did not have the strength to stand up. Izumi wanted to suffer, for at least this physical discomfort would distract him from the anguish in his heart.

_Why can't it be me?_

_And why does it have to be you?_

"Izumi"

Finally, that voice he had longed to hear..

".........."

The young man slowly looked up. His eyes were still flooded with tears. His heart twisted as if someone was trying to tear it in two. It was pure agony.

"Aoe-san?"

He called out his name, not sure if this was just a dream.

"I just finished my business dinner. Didn't think you'd still be waiting. But to make sure you wouldn't end up standing here all night, I've to come and see."

Izumi tried to wipe his tears away, and started to stammer..

"Thank you for coming all the way here, Aoe-san. I'm... I just.."

Reiji stepped back, leaning against the stone-cold barrier by the riverside. He crossed his arms and stood in silence.

Izumi looked at him. When their eyes met Reiji did not turn away. But just when he started to feel a little warmth in his heart, Reiji's question shattered everything.

"Izumi, when will you stop being so immature and irrational?"

Right..

"You dashed away without waiting for my answer. What were you thinking? If I couldn't make it you'd really stand here all night long?"

How could he forget? He was just a good-for-nothing in Reiji's eyes..

Frustrated, Reiji lit his cigarette. He was so tired with this mind game Izumi wanted him to play along.

"What is it that you want, Izumi? Just tell me! It's impossible for me so follow these self-centred thoughts of yours"

Now he understood. Reiji had not come because he cared. He came because he felt responsible. He would feel guilty if Izumi was really waiting here in the cold till the morning, but there was nothing special about it..

"I'm sorry.."

He murmured, wondering if his heartache could get any worse.

"What's the use in saying you're sorry? Sooner or later you'll find an excuse to emotionally blackmail me and make yourself look like a victim again."

The cold made him numb all over, but he could feel every tingle of this sharp pain in his chest. Izumi slowly stood up and walked to Reiji...

".........."

No matter how painful it would be, he still could not deny this man was the only one he truly wanted..

"Aoe-san, what would your answer be if I waited? What would you say to me had I asked you very nicely to come to see me this evening?"

"I'd tell you it'd be inconvenient for me, and that I wouldn't be able to come because I wasn't sure when I would be available.."

"Now do you understand why I didn't wait?"

Izumi sobbed.

"I know I'm not important to you. I'm not in the position to ask you anything, not even the smallest favour. So my self-centred behaviour is the only bargaining power. I know it's unfair, but is there any other way to bring you closer to me?"

"You still ask me what I want when you should have known better than anyone else. I told you once and my feelings remain the same. So if you still pretend you don't know.."

Those eyes glinted with tears, and even Reiji could see the boy's profound feelings he had refused to acknowledge shining through..

"I want you, Aoe-san. I still do and always will."

Tears rolled down his face..

"I don't care if you see me as a brat who forgets about your best friend so soon, and simply wants someone new to hold on to. I can't change your mind. But let's make it clear I'll never give up on you. You can run as far as you like, but whenever you look over your shoulder I'll always be behind. Well, let's just hope I'll never catch you.."

Izumi smiled bitterly. He had lost the person he loved the most before, but it had been six years already. Would it be so wrong if he moved on and fell in love again?

Or could it be that Reiji's heart was made of stone, not flesh and blood like his and anyone else's?

"Izumi.."

Reiji's voice softened, yet remained stoical, "Let me tell you something. I feel you might get the wrong impression here. You probably think all adults are kind, compassionate, and nurturing like Takamiya, but that's not true. I'm nothing like him. So much had been taken away from my life and that left me with a void that can never be filled. A damaged person like me could never be your strength nor make you happy. I would only wear you down.."

Through his own tears, Izumi could see Reiji looked at him. The young man tried to catch a little glimpse of sympathy in those eyes, or even pity, but they were expressionless as ever..

"I believe in the genuineness of your feelings. I'm honoured you feel that way about me. But honestly, you're only wasting your time. This will never work out."

Izumi still stood there weeping quietly as he listened to Reiji's rejection.

He knew everything Reiji said was true. This man always meant what he said. Reiji did not have any special feelings for him at all..

Surprisingly, however, this painful truth gave Izumi tremendous strength and courage. For he knew once he reached rock bottom, he would never have to be afraid of falling any deeper. He had nothing left to lose.

The young man stepped closer to Reiji, so close that Reiji could see the track of tears on his tender face. Bittersweet tenacity was apparent in Izumi's eyes..

_What if we never met again?_

He reached up, pulled the cigarette Reiji was smoking away from his lips and threw it on the ground before crushing it with his foot. Immediately resented by such an offensive act, Reiji was about to utter something, but it was too late..

The man could feel Izumi's hands behind his neck as the other one pulled him close and pressed those cold lips on his.

".........."

The smell of Reiji's cigarette and cologne as Izumi kissed him brought back the memory he most cherished..

That day on the lawn..

When Reiji taught him the basic lessons of kyudo and stood so close to him for the first time.  
  
  
  
  
_'I'll never give up on you!'_

Izumi told him loud and clear as he walked away after that 'unexpected' incident.

Reiji was still awake, lying on the bed smoking even though it was so late. Izumi's sudden boldness really bewildered and surprised him that he found it difficult to go to sleep. Then he started to be annoyed with himself, for this was so unlike him. Why on earth would he lose his sleep thinking about that boy?

He never thought he would get to see Izumi being so adamant. That young man had never exuded a lot of confidence and had always been too meek in Reiji's opinion. Thus what just happened by the riverbank really astonished him. Could it be the boy had changed? Or could this be he finally let Reiji see who he really was?

For some unknown reasons, he wondered if Takamiya knew about this determined side in Izumi.

He also wondered why he spent so much time pondering over Izumi and that childlike kiss..

Reiji looked at the double-time pocket watch given as his birthday present from Kiichi a couple of years ago. It was already two in the morning. As he picked it up and held it in his hand, he noticed the message which his elder brother had specially engraved for him.

_'Time will make you love again.'_

Probably, but that would take another million years.

He was certain he could not love again, and would not love again.  
  
  
  
  
"Welcome back, Reiji."

Kiichi greeted his brother when they met after Reiji had returned from Europe for a few days.

"How was your business arrangement? Was everything going well?"

"Yes."

"And did you manage to visit England?"

"I was there for only four days."

"I see.."

Kiichi paused for a while.

"So I presume you didn't have the chance to see Izumi.."

"Well, we met by chance."

Sensing that Kiichi wanted to ask him more questions, he quickly cut the conversation short.

"I'll go take a shower and change now."

Then Reiji parted from his brother and walked towards the western wing of the mansion where he normally resided.  
  
  
  
  
The second son of the Aoe family had always been fiercely private and needed a lot of space. Everybody knew he loved to be on his own and just immersed in his own thoughts. So after dinner, it was expected that Reiji would return to the western wing and stayed in his bedroom till his bedtime. Nonetheless, this evening was an exception. Instead of staying on his own, Reiji came to the study where his brother was sitting there reading.

Kiichi looked up from his book when he saw his brother entering the room. Intrigued, he raised one of his eyebrows.

"Ah, am I seeing things?"

He teased Reiji.

"Or do you really give your brother the honour of keeping him company?"

Kiichi tried to trace any hidden emotion underneath the imperturbable mask. His intuition told him Reiji had something in mind, but Reiji did not say anything. He just sat down and started to smoke in silence. So again, it was Kiichi's duty to initiated the conversation.

"You still haven't told me about Izumi. How is he?"

"You needn't worry."

Reiji chuckled.

"That boy looks perfectly fine to me, and is still a brat as ever."

"What happened?"

Kiichi could sense the sarcasm in his younger brother's voice.

"Have you two rubbed each other up the wrong way again?"

"Not exactly."

Reiji tapped his cigarette over the porcelain ashtray, thinking.

"Then why did you say he's a brat? We all know Izumi's anything but a brat."

"Are you sure that boy's really what he seems?" he asked his brother.

"You shouldn't let that obedient and meek image of his fool you, Kiichi. I can tell you he's certainly not as feeble as he's always pretended to be."

"But I've never seen him as being feeble.." replied Kiichi.

"Rather, Izumi is the type which possesses quiet strength and will push himself to the goal he has in mind no matter what it takes."

"Can't you see when he spent hours practising kyudo on his own? And how he studied so hard to catch up with his classmates before emerging as one of the best students? He is in fact very strong and determined."

Reiji was slightly annoyed. How come Kiichi always took Izumi's side?

"Now you must tell me what's wrong Reiji. I don't understand why you suddenly speak of Izumi in this manner."

He knew his younger brother was never the type to say a lot, and when he said something it always had a deeper meaning than what it seemed.

"It doesn't matter."

Reiji tried to avoid going into details. He disliked talking about feelings, especially his own. So the man decided he would just say good night and excuse himself to go to his bedroom, but then Kiichi's question stopped him.

"Does it have something to do with what Izumi has wanted to tell you for the longest time?"

He quickly looked at his elder brother, astounded.  
  
  
  
  
"What do you mean?"

Kiichi noticed an outright sternness in Reiji's dark eyes.

"You know what I mean. You know how Izumi feels about you."

"You've always known about this?!"

Reiji raised his voice, walking towards the antique wooden working desk where his brother was sitting.

"And you still let him stay around? Asking me to help him with kyudo practice and everything?!?"

"I don't think there was anything wrong with that. You're the best archer in our family. It's most appropriate that you're the one helping him."

Reiji felt his anger rising. Even Kiichi could notice his brother's calm face started to redden which was a rare sight.

"Don't act innocent, Kiichi! Don't you think I don't know what your intention is? You just feel sorry for your miserable brother, so you think playing a scheming cupid will make him happier!? Well, my dear brother, I don't need anyone to rescue me!!"

He banged his fist on the table, feeling disappointed and betrayed. This was probably the first time in his life to react so angrily to Kiichi whom he trusted the most.

Kiichi remained composed nonetheless. He just looked at Reiji in silence and was not intimidated at all by his outburst.

"Your accusation makes me look as if I had complete control over everyone. The truth is I've neither tried to play cupid nor rescue you. I'm just an ordinary man, a rather helpless one as a matter of fact…"

"For years I've stood watching you dwell on the past and could do nothing to help. If only I had that power as you've claimed, I'd have changed you into a different person a long time ago. You'd not be so defensive and keep pushing people who really care about you away from the way you're doing now."

"And tell me who am I to stop Izumi from developing his feelings for you? Would you crush a heart that's just been healed and ask its owner not to love again? If you think you're the only one suffering, you're so wrong. Izumi too has suffered for falling for you. For a long while, he had to deal with confusion, guilt, and shame all by himself. It wasn't easy for that boy to have felt this way again so unexpectedly, and with someone who's more likely to break his heart."

Reiji flashed Kiichi a fierce glare, but his brother just continued calmly.

"It's true I've suspected there was something going on, but Izumi only told me the way he feels just before he went to further his study. So it was impossible for me to have planned everything. And if that boy's presence bothered you so much, why didn't you just tell me so?"

"Because you seem so happy when he's around!"

"Blame everything on me if that makes you feel better, Reiji. But aren't you acting innocent as well? If even I could tell how Izumi feels, you too must have seen it coming long before."

"Yes, I've always wanted Izumi and you to be on good terms, but I don't remember asking you to overextend yourself for him. Wasn't it you who offered to give him a lift, volunteered to deliver him our Christmas present, and came to participate in our kyudo sessions at your own will? Have I ever asked you to do those things, Reiji? Have I ever?"

".........."

"I don't believe you've done those things for my sake. We both know it's not true."

"What are you trying to say?"

"And it's unusual of you to get so edgy over a matter like this.."

"I don't want to be responsible for Izumi's feelings, all right!?! If that boy got hurt must it always be my fault!? I haven't done anything!"

"Reiji, there's no need to shout at me."

Kiichi's face was as grave as his younger brother's.

"You're running away from Izumi because you want to run away from yourself, aren't you?"

"That's nonsense!"

He retorted. Somehow he felt as if Kiichi could see through this maze in his heart, and that frustrated him.

"You still have no idea what I'm talking about? Let's imagine, what if one day Izumi disappeared from your life, or fell for someone else instead of you? Wouldn't you feel something missing?"

"I'd be so relieved!"

"You're saying that just because you're upset. I know what I tell you isn't what you like to hear, but you really should think it over. It's probably time to stop holding grudge against the past, and open your eyes to see what's being offered to you here and now."

"How many times must I repeat I can never feel that way with Izumi?!"

"Is that so?"

Kiichi's eyes were penetrating.

"So that day when you rushed to support him as he was about to trip over the hem of his hakama, it was just a kind act?"

"I don't remember doing such a thing!"

Reiji snapped. He knew he was lying just to get even with his brother.

"Fine. Let's not talk about this anymore, for I too started to get tired of your obstinacy! Listen to this once and for all though. You may be very unfortunate to have lost both Shiki and Naoya, but you'd be a fool if you think those tragedies mean you could never find happiness again. In this life, we don't get the second chance of finding love so easily, but here the third chance is right before you. It's just a shame you can't see its value at all."

"Well, you may do as you wish, Reiji. It's your life. From this day on I'll no longer feel sorry for you. You can stay distressed however you like. But if someday you regretted this, keep in mind it's not about fate. You only have yourself to blame. It's your own choice to throw it all away."

".........."

Reiji stared at his brother angrily for a few seconds then dashed out of the room.

 _All because of that boy!_  
  
  
  
  
The two brothers did not speak about Izumi again after that night. There were times Kiichi mentioned him with Haruomi, but he never brought Izumi into the conversation when he spoke to Reiji. Although his big brother acted as if nothing had happened, Reiji knew he was still upset and hurt by what he had said. It was when Reiji no longer received any calls from Kiichi, even when he purposely did not return to Aoe Mansion at weekends, that he knew his brother was really giving him the cold shoulder. They still spoke but only when it was necessary.

First Reiji could not care less about his brother for he was still furious. Soon, however, he came to realise that he had also overreacted. Kiichi had always been well-intentioned. It was his nature to be concerned about others, especially his loved ones. He merely wanted people to be happy and never intended to gain an upper hand. But a twist of anger made Reiji say things he did not mean, and he now certainly felt he should not have done what he did.

It was not that he never thought of the way to patch things up with Kiichi. But normally his brother had always been the first to compromise when they fought, and Reiji might have taken his brother's forgiving nature for granted over the years. So he did not know where or how to begin, and let this situation continue for months.

He also never heard from Izumi again.  
  
  
  
  
It was in September that he finally had a good excuse to reconcile with Kiichi. B&B would hold a grand party for VIP customers at this time of the year, and this was a private extravaganza everybody was looking forward to. His brother was not an exception, and he always demanded that he was invited to the bash. Reiji, of course, never had a problem with that. He surely enjoyed the party much more when Kiichi was around, for he found it easier to let his hair down and mingle with the guests.

So when Shuuhei confirmed the date of their annual party, the first thing Reiji did was to pick up the phone and dial Kiichi's number.

"Hello Kiichi.."

Reiji spoke when his brother answered the call.

"I just want to ask if... if you'd like to come to the party. It'll be on the 25th this month."

This was actually Shuuhei's responsibility to inform Kiichi, but at a time like this Reiji thought it would be better to do this himself. It had not been pleasant at all to be at odds with his elder brother, and he wanted to end this as soon as possible.

"Is there anyone you'd like to invite as well? So we can arrange to have the invitation sent to your guests.."

Reiji kept on talking although he still had not heard Kiichi's reply, as if he was anxious that Kiichi would say no.

"Don't worry. Just send me one extra invitation. I'll personally give it to my guest."

Kiichi finally talked after a long silence, and that brought Reiji a big relief. At least Kiichi would come to the party.

"Just one? Well, if you need more just let Shuuhei know.."

"No, that's fine. Thank you for your call, Reiji."

So Kiichi was still mad at him. The owner of B&B thought as he put the phone down. His brother did not ask how he had been, nor tell him not to work too hard like he usually did. His voice sounded formal and icy as if he was talking to their father.

Reiji sighed and started to concentrate on his work again. He already did his best. If Kiichi still wanted to be in this war, there was nothing else he could do.

For a moment, he glanced up from the document in front of him. His eyes stopped at Naoya's photograph.

Reiji still missed his boy so dearly, but somehow he felt something had changed.

It no longer hurt so badly to think of Naoya..  
  
  
  
  
As the owner of B&B, Reiji needed to be at the party not only to welcome and entertain his VIP guests but also to make sure that everything was going exceptionally well. Security must be tightened and privacy must be guaranteed all through the party. The purpose of throwing this bash was to express gratitude to customers for their patronage, thus it was essential that all guests were having a great time.

After personally greeting almost every single customer invited to the party, Reiji went back to the table where Kiichi was sitting with Haruomi and a few of B&B's senior executives. Kiichi was the centre of their attention as usual. His high spirits lightened up the atmosphere wherever he went, and Reiji was always fond of his brother for that.

"Here comes my incredibly handsome little brother."

Said Kiichi, smiling when he saw Reiji walking their way. That moment Reiji knew everything was back to normal. His brother must have heard his unspoken apology, and had forgiven him long before he could find the courage to utter the word.

Reiji could not help smiling back.

This is Kiichi, the brother he loved. He always understood him, and never let him down no matter when.

"How's everything?"

Reiji asked as he sat down next to his brother and joined others.

"Excellent."

"It's good to see Haruomi and you here."

"How can I not be here? You know I'm the life of this party."

Kiichi squinted at him before taking a sip of his pink champagne. Reiji smiled again at that remark and looked around that table of six people. None of the faces were unfamiliar.

"Didn't you say you would bring a guest?"

"I did. He's somewhere in the party enjoying himself."

"I still haven't met him then."

"I'm sure you have."

Kiichi replied mysteriously, and that intrigued Reiji. His brother sometimes brought his former patient, his university classmate, or his favourite colleague to the party, but all of them were people Reiji had never met before. Usually, Kiichi would be eager to introduce them as soon as possible, but it seemed tonight was not the case.

Reiji did not ask further, however. Soon he no longer thought about that and felt the need to go looking after his guests as a good host should.

"What? You're going again? You haven't even touched your appetizer, Reiji."

"That's all right. You know I could never sit down and eat properly in B&B parties."

"Don't be silly. Everything's going to be fine."

As usual, he did not listen.

"I'll be back later."  
  
  
  
  
Once all guests assured Reiji the meal was excellent, he proceeded to the adjoining function room where the party was held in a less formal manner and most B&B hosts were gathering here to entertain the customers. From a distance, he saw Kuniaki Jinnai sitting in front of the grand piano. The famous host of B&B was surrounded by his admirers as he played a lively tune to entertain them.

Reiji thought of Takamiya. If his best friend was here, Reiji would certainly pester him to play the piano. Takamiya was a very fine and talented jazz pianist. He never failed to amaze people who had the chance to witness his skill.

Reiji walked closer until he was finally behind that small crowd. Among those people, he saw the page boy, Katsuki Kyosuke, standing nearby. Something in that man's eyes when looking at Jinnai told Reiji the bond between them was not limited to only sempai-kouhai relationship.

So the rumour he heard over the years could be true after all. Reiji thought to himself as a faint smile appeared on his face. Everybody was having a great time and he was contented. Perhaps Kiichi was right. There was nothing he should be worried about. All just went smoothly.

But before he walked away, something made him turned around and looked again.

".........."

Next to Katsuki, a young man was standing there..

Their eyes met, and Reiji felt as if this was the moment they picked up where they left off many months back. He still looked at him the same way he did then, the day he walked away and left him in the cold by the river.

So this must be Kiichi's mysterious guest..

Sakashita Izumi.  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka

  
  
  
Reiji frowned.

He got annoyed once he was aware of Izumi's presence and where the boy was. He did not like it when Izumi mingled with those hosts so casually, and gestured Izumi to come to him.

But Izumi just stood still and looked at him in silence as if he wanted to challenge Reiji, which irritated the man even more.

_What an arrogant boy. You still haven't learned you lesson, have you?_

Jinnai finished the song he had been playing slowly and glanced up. As people applauded, he was surprised to see his boss glaring at a young man standing not so far away.

"Excuse me.."

Jinnai turned to Izumi, "It seems owner wishes to speak to you."

"Is that so?"

Izumi replied but keeping his eyes fixed on Reiji.

"There are so many people in this room. How can I be certain that gesture was directed towards me?"

Jinnai raised one of his eyebrows a little.

Could it be that something interesting was going on here?

"Owner.."

The host turned to Reiji, "Have you happened to call this young gentleman just now?"

"Yes."

Reiji felt his impatience rising.

Amused by the two men's reaction, Jinnai smirked as he saw them looking at each other in a way that was difficult to describe. This young man was certainly not a stranger to Reiji.

Having served B&B since the time of the previous owner, Jinnai was never in awe of Reiji like most employees, so he had the courage to tease his young boss.

"Your new kitten I presume?"

Izumi's cheeks grew hot, but more because of anger than embarrassment. He knew Kiichi sometimes referred to Naoya as 'kitten' and he learned that was the boy's pet name which was known among very few people.

"I'm afraid not."

Izumi heard himself speak, "I'm just a stray puppy. That kitten is irreplaceable!"

That sarcasm gave everything away. Those who wondered why their owner paid particular attention to this young man could begin to piece together the jigsaw..

It was Reiji's turn to feel his face burn. This boy was too much, and he must do something to prevent him from thinking he could ridicule him in front of his own employees.

"Stray puppy, aren't you?", repeated Reiji.

**"As the host of this party, I shall apply finders keepers rule to you then. So you now belong to me, and I demand you come to me right this minute!"**

Izumi's face turned crimson. His heart skipped and at the same time felt a pang of anguish.

".........."

What am I to you?

"Owner must have something really important to speak to you."

Jinnai coaxed him gently. He noticed the boy's lips were trembling.

"Don't you think you should go to him?"

Then Izumi realised everybody was looking at him, and there was nothing he could do but do as he was suggested. Reiji flashed Izumi a furious look when the boy finally moved. Soon Izumi tried to catch up with Reiji as the latter strode across the room, heading towards the terrace.

The eyes of those who gathered around the piano followed them curiously.  
  
  
  
  
"Izumi.."

Reiji turned around and faced him when they were finally alone on the terrace.

"This isn't the first time you attend B&B party. How could you forget what Takamiya and I kept on telling you, that you're not supposed to mix with my hosts and customers like that?! What if someone mistook you for a host again?"

His voice was harsh and stern. There was not even a tiny glimpse of delight in those eyes to show he was glad to see Izumi here.

"Don't you remember what could have happened if you weren't careful?!"

He was sexually harassed by a guest once when he was sixteen. That psycho thought he was the other Izumi who was a very popular host then and forced him to do things he was so disgusted. Since then, Takamiya and Reiji had always kept an eye on him whenever he was at the party, to make sure that he was not with the wrong company.

"Thank you for your concern, Aoe-san."

Izumi replied coldly.

"But now I'm an adult. I can take care of myself."

"That's not good enough! Keep in mind you're here as my brother's guest. Should anything happen, you'd cause him so many worries!"

"But sensei had given me the permission me to do whatever I like.."

"Well, that's only because he didn't know what happened to you years ago, did he?!"

"Then what about those hosts? Aren't you concerned about their well-being as well? Any of them could have been harassed just like me."

"They all were trained basic self-defence skill!"

"What a double standard, Aoe-san."

Izumi knew he was being belligerent, but somehow he could not stop himself. There were this ambiguity and smouldering pain that had tormented him for years, and fighting it out might be the only cure for him..

"You only care about me because I'm your guest, while you'll let your own people fight for themselves. So is this how you work, Aoe-san? Do you take pride in being the owner of this place where you can treat everyone as if they didn't know how it felt to be scared and vulnerable?"

Izumi unknowingly hit his weak spot, and Reiji could no longer keep cool..

"How dare you say this to me? You don't even know what you're talking about!!"

Reiji bawled at the boy, feeling his own hands trembling.

He too had his own dreams. He never wanted to be the heir. Still, his father forced all of these on him. He could have run away, but it was not that easy.

Life was never easy, and the last thing he needed was Izumi, who was no more than a child compared to Reiji, to judge him..

"This is why I hate a brat like you!"

".........."

Izumi thought he had completely desensitised himself since that night they met by the river bank. What else could be more hurtful than listening to Reiji's outright rejection?

Now he knew that even a broken heart can still be further shattered into a thousand pieces..

Reiji hated him.

"So.."

Izumi tried to hold back his tears.

"Is this how you truly feel about me, Aoe-san?"

He forced a smile. He could not cry anymore. He should get used to this. It was time he accepted the truth.

"You know you should have told me this long before. It would have been much easier for both of us."

The young man looked at Reiji through his teary eyes.

"Knowing the truth that you hate me would have spared me from lots of pain. Why did you take the trouble to reassure me over and over again that I was always welcomed at the Aoe mansion? Or telling me that you couldn't accept my feelings because you're too damaged and could never make me happy?"

"But thank you so much Aoe-san for eventually speaking your mind. At least this hurt me less than the time you claimed in front of everyone just now that I belong to you. I know you didn't mean it, but deep down I still wish it'd be true."

_Blame it on my heart which I no longer have control over. It just believes in what it wants to believe._

"Good night, Aoe-san. I'll now return to sensei and won't cause you any trouble. Please forgive me if I've ruined your evening."

Izumi turned away before tears coursing down his cheeks.  
  
  
  
  
He hid himself away until he was certain his tears had dried and he no longer looked so unhappy. Then Izumi went back in again and looked for Kiichi.

"Oh, here you are Izumi! I've been looking for you.."

Kiichi caught him first.

"You must really enjoy yourself and forget about us..."

The doctor paused when he saw Izumi's face properly. Those eyes could not lie to him. This boy had been crying.

"Sensei, I'm grateful you brought me here, but I think I should go now."

Izumi said softly.

"It's getting late and I don't want my parents to stay up too late and wait for me. I told them not to, but I know they will."

"That's true. You just came back a few days ago. They certainly want to be with you."

Kiichi decided not to say anything more in front of his Kashima who was also standing there.

"Let me see you off then. I'm sure one of B&B drivers will be able to take you home. See you in a minute, Haruomi."

The two of them left the function room. Izumi was silent all the time as they were walking along the corridor, and soon Kiichi had to be the first to ask.

"Izumi, is there something you want to tell me?"

His voice was soothing. He gently touched the young man's shoulder and stopped him from walking.

Izumi looked at Kiichi.

"I'm sorry, sensei."

"What are you saying sorry for?"

"Because.."

Izumi stammered, "Because I'm.."

_'This is why I hate a brat like you!'_

Reiji's voice still echoed in his head..

"I'm such a burden to you and everyone."

He swallowed hard, trying to keep the voice from shaking.

"You invited me to this wonderful party as a welcome back present and I'm supposed to have fun. But here I am making you worry again.."

"Don't be silly. We're only human, Izumi. We can't be happy just because people expect us to be. If something troubles you there's nothing wrong to show the world that you're not ok.."

He squeezed Izumi's hand, trying to comfort him.

"What happened, Izumi? Won't you let me know?"

Kiichi saw tears welled up in those eyes.

"Aoe-san.."

Izumi's voice was almost inaudible.

"Aoe-san hates me."

"What are you saying, Izumi? You know that's not true."

"It's true, sensei."

Izumi sobbed.

"He said it himself when I met him earlier..."  
  
  
  
  
So Kiichi coaxed him to stay a bit longer. He could not let Izumi go looking this miserable. They found a quiet corner in the building to sit down and talk. First Izumi seemed reluctant to go deep into details of their conversation, but soon he told all that Kiichi wanted to know.

"Perhaps I'm not supposed to be so disappointed, sensei. I should have come to terms with this.. that Aoe-san isn't fond of me. When we met by chance back then in England, he didn't look too happy. It's not that I expected him to be excited or anything like that, but I just thought it'd be nice if he could give me a smile or say something like 'It's good to see you.'... "

"This evening when he first saw me at the party, all he did was frowning and speaking to me as if I was a child deserving to be punished. He didn't bother to ask if I've graduated or since when have I come back. He's totally indifferent to me and my feelings.."

Izumi smiled sadly and wiped his own tears with his handkerchief.

"I didn't want to tell you all this because I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to play the victim again. It's true that I'm sad and find all that has happened painful, but I know Aoe-san's not the one to be blamed. It's my fault to have spoken with him so rudely. I must have crossed the line and really offended him.."

"Still, it hurts to know he hates me. I could cope with him not caring about me, but this..."

Kiichi gazed at Izumi thoughtfully, thinking of the right thing to say.

So they had a terrible row..

"You may not know this, Izumi, but my brother is very sensitive about his ownership over this business. Deep down I know he feels it's vile and never wanted to take over B&B. But our father made him the heir and he was forced to accept all these.."

"So I think he was only in a fit of temper to have said such an unkind thing to you, and you mustn't take it to your heart. No matter how you see it, he does care about you. That's why Reiji was upset seeing you with our hosts and customers and went to speak to you like that. Had he been indifferent, he would have done none of those things. I know my brother well."

"You're right, sensei. He does care about my safety."

Izumi murmured.

"But the terrible thing is my greedy heart wants much more than that. Knowing that he cares about me as a guest under his responsibility isn't enough to take away this pain I'm feeling."

The young man glanced up and looked into Kiichi's dark eyes.

"What should I do, sensei? Even though I went away for a year, even though he told me clearly he could never look at me that way.. I'm still that fool who refuses to give up on him."

He told himself he had grown stronger, but he knew he was only lying to himself. The moment Reiji appeared before him, his heart became as fragile as glass.. again.

"I've done all I can but everything fails. Perhaps the only remedy of this sadness is to give up my hope, don't you think?"

Let this heart be completely broken once and for all, so he could have a new beginning..

"I don't know the answer either, Izumi."

Kiichi's eyes saddened. Probably this was partially his fault as well..

"Perhaps I shouldn't have encouraged you to stay true to your feelings. This is causing you too much pain.."

The doctor drew him close and embraced him, wishing he could take away all the sorrow inside this young man's heart.

"Don't worry, sensei."

Izumi clung to Kiichi. He desperately needed a good hug in a moment like this.

"I'd rather be in pain because of this one-sided love, than being happy and never know how it feels to love again."  
  
  
  
  
After Izumi went back, Kiichi did not feel like returning to the party. He chose to stay by himself on a quiet terrace, being immersed in his own thoughts.

The moon was exceptionally beautiful that night. It was full and golden on the dark blue sky. Somehow this sight always reminded him of those days when Haruomi was only a 'Kashima' to him, but in no time his feelings had changed into something else..

In his case it was a one-sided love at the beginning too. Haruomi never displeased him and always let him have it his way, but that did not mean the boy felt the same. Now Kiichi remembered there were times he questioned too if Haruomi indulged him only because he was his master, or because he shared this special feeling with him.

But they both were so young, and regardless of what was going on around them, it was not too complicated for Kiichi to find the answer. Haruomi and he might have been wounded in the past, but their hearts were pure and untouched. They were each other's first love and only love. None had experienced the dark side of love before, so that was a blessing for them.

With Reiji and Izumi it was different. Both were terribly injured and had developed scab to protect their tender hearts, especially his own brother. None of them were easy to deal with and must be handled with care. It was also difficult to read what was going on in their mind..

Still, Kiichi had always felt that Reiji held a special place for Izumi in his heart. Even though it could be so subtle that his brother did not even realise, the place surely existed.

But could it be that he was wrong?

Could it be that he was misled by his own hope to see Reiji happy and love again? Could it be that he had given nothing to Izumi but fault hopes?

He only hoped that his good intention would never take its toll...

"Kiichi.."

Surprised, the doctor turned around and saw Haruomi.

"I've been looking for you. Thought you wouldn't be long."

He looked worried. The fact that Kiichi was kidnapped twice automatically made the man uneasy whenever he did not know where to find him, even though everyone knew such an incident was unlikely to happen again..

"I'm sorry."

Kiichi gave him a faint smile.

"I just have the urge to be alone."

"What about Izumi? Have you already sent him home?"

"Yes. We did talk a bit before he went. That's why it took me longer than I thought."

"So here you are, still thinking about the things you two have spoken?"

Haruomi put his arms around that delicate figure, pressing his chin on the top of Kiichi's head softly.

"Well, you know me.."

He slouched against his Kashima's broad chest.

"I just want him to be happy."

"You want everyone to be happy, Kiichi."

"Is there anything wrong with that?"

"Of course not.", said Haruomi.

"It's just that you always attach yourself too much to other people's feelings. To be caring and compassionate is great, but you mustn't forget to draw your boundary. You'll be drained if you get depressed with everyone who has a problem."

".........."

"I know you want your loved ones to be happy. But sometimes everlasting happiness won't come to them until they've gone through changes and turbulence in life. I mean, how could one appreciate the warmth of summertime had he not suffered from the harsh cold in wintertime before? Above all, some problems may sort themselves out with time, and the only way out is simply to wait..."

"As if you could read my mind, Haruomi."

Kiichi whispered after his lover's voice trailed off.

"Everything you say is true. It's impossible for me to protect everyone around me, or grant them whatever they wish for. But I just don't want to look back one day and regret that I haven't done enough to help them.."

"I'm sure you've done all you can."

"Hmm.. how do you know? You don't even know what I'm thinking about.."

"Don't underestimate your Kashima, Kiichi. You probably always speak of this matter in riddle, but I know who you mean."

"And that is?"

"Your brother and Izumi."

".........."

"You've been trying to figure out how Reiji really feels about Izumi, haven't you?"

"How do you know?"

Kiichi faced him, "Have I been that obvious?"

"Sometimes. But even if I didn't get a clue from you, I'd be able to tell from the way Reiji treated him anyway."

Haruomi heard his lover sigh...

"I'm relieved to hear that. I thought I was the only one who noticed or only imagining things. Reiji definitely cares for Izumi, doesn't he?"

"That's how I feel. At a glance, he may seem annoyed whenever we fuss over Izumi, but he's always quietly interested in what we do for the boy. I also have the feeling that he's a little more cheerful when Izumi's around, but that is never conspicuous. We know how Reiji is."

"Strange, isn't it?"

Kiichi gazed upon the beautiful moon again.

"We both can feel it, but Reiji told me himself it wasn't true. He kept saying he treated Izumi well for my sake. Our conversation turned into a fierce argument, and since then I felt I shouldn't interfere with his personal life too much.."

"So this explains why there was a period you didn't call him and he stopped spending his weekends at Aoe Mansion?"

"Yes."

"But I presume you both have made up since the day Reiji rang you about the party?"

"Sort of. It's not like I can stay mad at him forever. He's still my only brother. But that's not the point, Haruomi. We may be on good terms now, but the old issue remains unsolved. Reiji's still self-contradictory. He says he doesn't care about Izumi, but his acts are the opposite. I think that must confuse Izumi to some extent.."

He sighed once more..

"This isn't going to be easy for them, is it?"

"Rest your worries, Kiichi."

Haruomi kissed him on the forehead.

"That's only for those two to find out."  
  
  
  
  
_'So you now belong to me, and I demand you come to me right this minute!'_

_'This is why I hate a brat like you!'_

Damn..

What on earth was he thinking when he said those things? Why did he lose his temper just like that?

Reiji ground his cigarette into an ashtray, not feeling at ease.

_'At least this hurt me less than the time you claimed in front of everyone just now that I belong to you. I know you didn't mean it, but deep down I still wish it'd be true.'_

They had not seen each other for months, and Reiji could still remember that look in his eyes when he said he would never give up on him. Tonight, however, that determination he saw in those eyes was instantly crushed and replaced with despair the moment he told Izumi he hated him..

This reminded Reiji of the time he vented his frustration on Izumi when he brought him the birthday present from Kiichi. Afterward, did he not say sorry and promise never to upset him with his harsh words again?

He never really thought why he sometimes got so irritated with Izumi, especially when he looked at him with those eyes. But tonight he began to understand..

Reiji always felt vulnerable and exposed in front of Izumi. That boy did not say a lot, but something in his eyes told him he could see him through. There was nothing Reiji could hide from Izumi, even the wounds and weaknesses that he hid deepest within. It seemed Izumi knew exactly where he had been hurt, as much as how to heal him.

This scared Reiji. He had always been afraid when the boy was getting too close, so he pushed him away. His guard subsided whenever Izumi was near...

At the party, he should not have cared and let him be. That boy was not a child anymore. Nobody could force him to do what he did not want to. But how come it bothered him when he saw Izumi mingling so casually with his hosts and customers?

I only did what a good host should do..

Reiji told himself as if he refused to believe otherwise.

I only did what Takamiya would have done if he was here...

Then he froze at his own thought.

".........."

No, that was wrong.

He did not want to play Takamiya's role.  
  
  
  
  
Reiji was astonished that Kiichi still had not said anything about Izumi. His elder brother must have been the first to know the young man had returned from England, and it was unusual for someone like Kiichi to remain so quiet about this.

So when he went to Aoe mansion the next weekend, he mentioned Izumi while they were having tea together in the afternoon.

"Why didn't you tell me Izumi is in Japan?"

"Because the last time we talked about him you were obviously irritated."

Kiichi replied plainly as he split his scone with a tea knife.

".........."

"You got to meet him at the party already anyway, didn't you?"

He looked at his brother.

"Well, yes.."

Reiji murmured.

"That was kind of unexpected."

"Izumi has already graduated with his Master's and came home two weeks ago. He actually visited me a couple of times already. But since you're never here during weekdays, you didn't see him till the other day."

"You should have told me."

"How would I know that you'd be interested?"

Kiichi took this opportunity to get back at his brother.

"Besides, if I told you beforehand you might think I was pressuring you to be nice to him again. This time you just don't need to worry, Reiji. I'll do all I can to keep him away from you."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you don't need to force yourself anymore. There's no use being polite or kind to him if you only do it for my sake. You know so well how that boy feels about you. So if you don't care about him, at least stop misleading him.."

"Why are you saying this, Kiichi? You speak as if everything was my fault."

"I don't know whose fault is this. All I know is you have to draw the line, Reiji. This half-hearted kindness will only hurt him more and more."

"Oh, for crying out loud, I only met Izumi for ten minutes and you're already accusing me.."

"But that was long enough for you both to pick a fight I heard."

Kiichi interrupted.

"Look, I was only trying to make sure he was safe in the party. And what did I get? He talked back to me and asked why I only cared about my guests and not my hosts. He even said something like I treated them as if they had no feelings!"

"I see why you were angry with Izumi, but you too shouldn't have been over-protective from the start. You treated him as if he was Naoya.."

"That's absurd!"

"But it's true! Izumi's already in his twenties and any man his age would not need to be supervised on how to behave at a party. Your excuse isn't convincing at all. Anyone would have thought you were being possessive of him!"

"I wasn't, all right!?"

"I know you weren't. That's why I'm asking you to stop doing these things. From now on just leave Izumi alone. No matter how much this will hurt him, it's time he faces the truth.."

His brother looked serious, and Reiji knew Kiichi meant every word he said.

"I beg you, Reiji. If you want to do something for your brother, keep your distance from Izumi. Show him exactly what you told me, that you can never be who he wants you to be.."

Although he did not let it show, he felt a strange emptiness when he heard Kiichi say those things.

"And this time you'd better be firm. I don't mind if Izumi's heart is broken. It'll just do him good. But I won't forgive you if you're inconsistent and toy with his feelings again."

This is my way of daring you, Reiji. You must find yourself an answer too.

**Where does Izumi stand in your heart?**


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka.

  
  
  
Since the day Kiichi had given him the ultimatum, Reiji found himself caught between the decision to accept Izumi's feelings and to turn his back on him completely. But eventually, he made up his mind..

_So be it, dear brother._

_I will have nothing to do with that boy again, ever!_

Therefore, more distance started to grow between them. Reiji sometimes even pretended he did not see Izumi when they met at Aoe Mansion.

Even so, Izumi would always acknowledge his presence and greet him very politely.

"Good morning, Aoe-san."

Whenever their eyes met, Reiji could neither see the trace of expectation nor bitterness. The younger one looked surprisingly calm in a way he had never witnessed before.

".........."

Reiji just nodded and continued to walk away.

Yet, those eyes were not empty when they were looking at him. Something remained there, and seemed to grow stronger each time he noticed.

He did not quite know what it was, but he was relieved it had not disappeared.

Suddenly, Reiji felt a strange pain in his chest, as if something inside had remained tight in the bud for so long.

Would he be able to get rid of this pain, had he known the way to let it blossom?  
  
  
  
  
"Kiichi-sama.."

Shuuhei came to the doctor's study on a late Sunday morning.

"I believe Reiji-sama isn't feeling very well. Could you please come to have a look at him?"

Kiichi looked away from his computer screen, surprised.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He started to developed a high fever since last night and it still hasn't gone down."

"Then why didn't you tell me sooner?"

The firstborn of the Aoe family quickly got up from his chair, frowning at Shuuhei.

"Well, that's because.. Reiji-sama asked me not to tell you. He thought after a good night's rest he'd recover."

"It's so typical of him."

Kiichi mumbled and turned to Izumi who came to visit him earlier.

"Please wait for me here, Izumi. This might take a while because my little brother can be extremely stubborn when he's sick. If we need to tie him up and put him into an ambulance, I'll call for you to help us."

Izumi just smiled gently.

"Don't worry about me, sensei. I'll wait for you here."

The boy might look composed and undisturbed by the news, but he was only pretending. The moment he heard from Reiji's Kashima that the man was sick, Izumi tried so hard to fight back his urge to ask Kiichi to go along...  
  
  
  
  
Kiichi headed towards the mansion's western wing with Shuuhei. When he entered his brother's bedroom, he could see Reiji lying on the bed, flushed with his unusual body temperature.

"Hmm.. what a sight, Reiji."

The doctor teased his brother who hardly had any strength to retort then.

"You're really sick, aren't you? Else you'd never let me see you in such a helpless state."

He felt Reiji's pulse and ask a few questions. Then he told Reiji there was nothing to be worried about because he only caught the ordinary flu.

"After a few days of good rest you should be fine. So I won't let you go to work or return to your apartment until you're fully recovered."

"You know I can't do that, Kiichi."

Reiji murmured.

"Tomorrow I must.."

"What is he so worried about, Shuuhei?"

Kiichi turned to his brother's personal assistant instead.

"Tomorrow there'll be a reception for our VVIP patrons which Reiji-sama has always been present."

"Is that all?"

"Yes, Kiichi-sama. The rest is just our routine work."

"What nonsense! He need not take the trouble to attend such a function. I'm sure you can handle it, can't you Shuuhei?"

"I think so."

"Fine. We'll leave everything to you then."

Kiichi decided for his brother quickly, ignoring his brother's protest.

"It's impossible for you to exert yourself when you're so sick, Reiji. Just be good and trust me this once. I'm a doctor after all."

"But those customers are the most important.."

"No, your health is!"

The elder brother snapped when he felt Reiji was being headstrong in a foolish way.

"Do you want to drag yourself over there and get sicker than you already are? This will take only a few days, for crying out loud. Once you're well enough I promise to kick you out as soon as I can."

That silenced Reiji. He could hardly get even with his brother when he was physically well. And now he felt so weak he did not even want to open his eyes, there was no way he could convince Kiichi to be sympathetic about his workaholic mindset.

"And who will take care of Reiji-sama if meanwhile, I have to manage everything at B&B in his place?"

That was Shuuhei's concern.

"It'll be all right, Shuuhei. I'm sure Haruomi can help us."

The doctor replied as he tucked his brother in.

"Go to sleep, Reiji. I'll send some medicines soon."  
  
  
  
  
When Kiichi finally returned to his study, Izumi's anxiety was already starting to show.

"Sensei.."

Those eyes looked at Kiichi, anticipating.

"Is Aoe-san all right?"

"Why would you care so much for a heartless man like my brother, Izumi?"

Kiichi could not help teasing the boy. But when he felt it was kind of cruel to bring up the subject again, he quickly replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

"He's just having the flu and will need a lot of rest. The reason why everybody seems so worked up is that he hardly gets sick. But there's nothing we need to be worried about, really."

He explained while sitting down to prescribe medicines for his brother. A moment later Haruomi appeared to take away the prescription.

"Please get Reiji's medicines from the hospital, Haruomi. He'll need to be looked after here while Shuuhei's working at B&B. Do you think you can take care of him? It'll only be during the daytime, though. In the evening Shuuhei and I will be back so we can take over."

"Of course. I don't mind taking care of him in the evening too. Shuuhei will be tired from the workload now that Reiji's going to be absent. But we'll talk later. I'll go now and get the medicines."

Izumi listened to their conversation quietly, wondering if it'd be appropriate to interfere..

He knew the best thing for him was to leave Reiji alone, else this torment would be endless. He should move on and focus on his future. There was a life waiting for him out there.

He was supposed to think about a new beginning, not letting himself be trapped with the past. That was what he had been trying to tell himself over the years since Takamiya's death...

But his heart just would not listen to those reasons. When he knew Reiji need someone to be by his side, he simply forgot the pain this unrequited love had caused him.

He could fight it but he could not deny it. Till now, Izumi still wanted to be next to him, not anywhere else.

"What's the matter Izumi?"

Kiichi noticed the young man suddenly went quiet.

"I'm just.."

"If it's about Reiji, rest assured he's going to be ok."

He said softly and sat down beside Izumi.

"Sensei.."

Izumi wondered if this would sound like a pathetic request..

"Would you mind if I stay here and look after Aoe-san?"

".........."

"Only until he's well enough. That's what I mean."

"But you've just heard Haruomi will be happy to take care of him."

Kiichi told him plainly.

"Of course.."

Izumi whispered and looked away.

He felt stupid for asking and started to feel his face grew hot because of embarrassment when Kiichi just looked at him in silence for a while.

"I'm sorry, sensei. I didn't mean to intrude or anything. I just thought I could be of some help.."

"Don't say that, Izumi. How many times have I said you're a part of our family? There's no need to apologise at all."

Kiichi sighed.

"The reason I think you should let Haruomi handle this isn't that we don't want you here. You know how happy we are when you're around. But I don't think it's a good idea if you should..."

He paused, thinking of the right thing to say.

"I don't think you should be around Reiji anymore since all he has done is hurt you. This isn't easy for me either because he's my brother, but I feel by keeping you away from him is the only way I can protect you."

"I remember I've told you once that love conquers all. But at the same time, you mustn't forget to love yourself and learn not to let another person be your whole world just because you love him. A relationship based on the effort of one person alone can never make anyone happy. I just don't want to see you suffer because of Reiji anymore.."

Kiichi gazed at Izumi, and at the same time feeling sorry for his own brother for not realising what he was about to lose.

If only Reiji could see what he sees..

".........."

"I know this will be painful, sensei. But even now, no matter how hard I try, I still can't stop thinking about Aoe-san."

His eyes always searched for Reiji whenever he walked along that corridor, hoping he would appear before him..

Hoping he would see that face he loved again..

"It hurts so badly to learn he'd never accept me. But it'd hurt me more should I let go or pretend not to care when he needs someone. I promise not to cry again, even if he treated me as if I was invisible. Because now I know the pain I feel when I stop myself from being near him is much greater than when he tries to push me away."

"So sensei, please let me stay. Please grant my childish wish this once. And when Aoe-san's recovered I'll not trouble you anymore."

The young man looked at Kiichi pleadingly. Those eyes were poignant, yet Kiichi could see the will to love tenaciously shining through.

"Even if you'll have to go through the same heartache again, you really want to do this for my brother?"

Izumi nodded, biting his lips which started to quiver.

"Yes, sensei."

He smiled as tears welled up in his eyes.

"More than anything in this world."  
  
  
  
  
The next morning, as soon as he arrived, Kiichi led him to the western wing's master bedroom as he wished.

"I took his temperature earlier and it's been stable since last night. Hopefully, he'll do much better later today. Shuuhei has written down the instruction so you know how Reiji will take his medicines. But obviously, there's nothing complicated. We fuss over him a bit just to make sure he'll rest well and not sneak out to B&B in this state.."

He surely knew his brother well.

"Haruomi will be home soon after driving me to the hospital. If there's anything you want just let him know, all right?"

"I will, sensei."

"Good. I must go now. See you in the evening and make yourself at home."

Kiichi turned away, but the young man stopped him..

"Sensei.."

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Izumi smiled at him.

"Thank you for allowing me to do this, even though you don't think it's a good idea.."

"Why should you thank me, Izumi?"

So many times Kiichi was moved by this young man's quiet strength, but this time it was so much his heart started to hurt. And if he was granted one wish now, he would ask for Reiji to succumb to Izumi's affection..

To accept that he was defeated by the power of this heart which was healed only to love him.

"It's I who should thank you, for loving my brother in every possible way."

".........."

Izumi felt like bursting into tears when he heard such kind words, but he fought them back. His face was rather distorted with emotions, but he succeeded in giving Kiichi another smile.

"See you later, sensei."

_If only that would be how Aoe-san see me.._

_Do my feelings mean anything to you.. at all?_

But then Izumi realised he was not here to think about his own sadness. He had a much more important thing to do, and that was to take good care of Reiji while he was ill.

So the young man took in a deep breath and slowly slid the door open. This was the first time he stepped into Reiji's bedroom..

He looked around for a few seconds, then lay his eyes on the man who was lying still on his bed.

After Izumi closed the door behind him and walked closer, he could see Reiji's face which seemed paler than usual. He obviously was in his deep sleep.

Izumi softly touched the man's face with the back of his hand and could feel intense heat. So he dampened a small towel using water in a porcelain basin placed on the night table, and slowly placed it on Reiji's forehead.

".........."

Then he sat beside his bed, observing Reiji's profile.. those dark eyebrows, that perfectly-shaped nose, and those lips he once kissed.

_Aoe-san.._

_You never know how much I love you, do you?_

Izumi continued to keep him company in silence although he did not even know that he was there.

The mere presence of Reiji kept his heart warm.  
  
  
  
  
Around half past twelve, Haruomi brought some soft food for Reiji as his lunch. But the man was still asleep..

Izumi held the wooden bowl containing clear broth in his hand hesitantly. He hated to wake him up but Reiji needed to eat something before taking his pills.

So he touched Reiji's shoulder and shook very gently as if he feared he would break him.

"Aoe-san."

".........."

"Aoe-san."

It took a while before his eyelashes started to flutter..

"Please wake up.."

Reiji slowly opened his eyes, feeling somebody's hand caressing his face..

"It's lunchtime, Aoe-san."

Izumi whispered. A faint smile automatically appeared on the young man's face when their eyes met.

"Are you feeling any better at all?"

Reiji was half awake and still felt dizzy, but did not stop him from being astonished to see Izumi sitting there next to him.

"You?"

His voice was hoarse and sounded weaker than normal.

"Where's Kashima?"

"Kashima-san has gone to work. He'll take care of everything for you."

Izumi explained.

"What about Kiichi? And Haruomi?"

"Sensei's at the hospital. Haruomi-san has just brought you lunch and now I suppose he's back to do his daily chores."

The young man smiled again, feeling Reiji was asking questions like a child who just got lost and wanted to find his parents.

"I've asked sensei to let me help nurse you, if you're surprised why I'm here."

Reiji looked at him.

Wasn't Kiichi the one asking him to stay away from Izumi? Then why on earth would his brother send the boy to look after him like this? But he was too ill to bother asking more questions..

"Would you like to have your soup, Aoe-san?"

That was when Reiji noticed Izumi was holding a bowl in his hands. Reiji did not feel like eating but he knew he had no choice.

"Perhaps I should help you get up.."

".........."

Then he tried to get up by himself, preparing to sit on the bed properly. Izumi quickly placed the bowl aside and help put an extra cushion behind his back.

"Are you comfortable now?"

Reiji nodded, and let him adjust the cushion a bit more. But when Izumi took the broth bowl into his hands again and placed its rim before his lips, Reiji was not prepared for that..

"You don't have to, Izumi. I can eat myself."

But Izumi would not let him have the wooden bowl..

"Let yourself be pampered a little, Aoe-san. I'm here because I really want to take care of you."

Once again, their eyes met.

".........."

Somehow Reiji was really touched by what Izumi had just said. It was simple yet so sincere.

And when Izumi softly placed the rim of that bowl upon his lips again, this time Reiji did not resist. He put his hands over Izumi's behind the bowl and swallowed the broth slowly.  
  
  
  
  
On the third day, Reiji’s temperature was nearly normal, but he was still feeble and needed to sleep.

Even when Izumi knew Shuuhei would take over at night-time, he still woke up in the middle of the night just to make sure that Reiji was resting comfortably.

The man was sound asleep when Izumi helped pull the down blanket over his chest. But when he drew away, he could hear Reiji murmuring something.

Izumi turned around and leaned closer again, thinking he might have woken him up. However, Reiji’s breathing was still consistent, so his sleep must have remained undisturbed.

And just when the younger man thinking this time he would tiptoe quietly and finally leave Reiji alone, someone’s strong arm glided upon his waist as if wanting to hold him back..

“Naoya..”

Although Reiji’s voice was almost inaudible, Izumi could not mistake that name for someone else’s.

His heart thudded…

“It’s me, Aoe-san. I’m not Naoya.”

He whispered back even if Reiji would never hear it..

“I’m Izumi.”

_And I know I can never take Naoya’s place…_

Izumi gently pulled his arm away and tucked him in once more before leaving the room.  
  
  
  
  
A few minutes later, Reiji finally opened his eyes very slowly…

“……….”

The warmth that still lingered on his arm, the gentle touch that soothed him just now…

Now he knew it was not Naoya.  
  
  
  
  
When Reiji woke up again the next morning, Izumi was already sitting there beside him.

Those eyes were looking at him, and he could see a glimpse of affection in them.

“Good morning, Aoe-san. Are you feeling better?”

The ‘patient’ nodded, finding himself at a loss for words.

Should he be overwhelmed by this devotion? Or should he just take it as another act of an adolescent’s shallow infatuation?

“I suppose Kashima-san will be here any minute now. Would you like to freshen up a little bit before your breakfast arrives?”

But soon his sincerity tamed Reiji’s cynical thoughts. And while he was lying there thinking of what he should say, Izumi began to wipe his face gently with a warm towel.

“No..”

He caught Izumi’s wrist, finding himself stammering. It had been a long time that someone got so close to him like this.

“I mean I’d better do it. You don’t have to take the trouble.”

Izumi smiled as if he understood what Reiji wanted to say.

“Aoe-san, I know you don’t feel at ease having me around. But let me reassure you I really want to do this, and I’m not expecting anything in return at all..”

_I’ve given up my hope long time ago.._

“Please just let me be with you this one last time. When you fully recover, I’ll..”

Izumi paused, feeling the anguish rising in his chest.

“I’ll go away.”

He did not avert his gaze as he spoke.

And for some unknown reasons, those words also pained Reiji deep down inside.

 _He will go away?_  
  
  
  
  
“Is there anything else you need, Reiji-sama?”

Shuuhei asked his boss before leaving him to rest. After six days of proper rest, the owner of B&B was finally allowed by his elder brother to return to work.

“No, Shuuhei. You can go to bed now. Thanks.”

Reiji replied almost absent-mindedly. He was resting on the bed, still pondering about the things that happened over the week.

He knew he had been unpleasant to Izumi. It was he who kept hurting the young man. And although most of the time it was unintentional, he still doubts how Izumi could put up with him so much.

A knock on the door distracted him from those thoughts.

“May I come in, Reiji?”

It was Kiichi..

“Of course.”

“How are you feeling now?”

The firstborn of the Aoe family asked after sitting on the bed next to his brother.

“I’m perfectly fine and ready to go back to work.”

“Good to hear that.”

“And thank you for nursing me…”

“Why thank me? I haven’t done a lot anyway. You know I had to work and leave you under Izumi’s care.”

“Really, Kiichi…”

Reiji raked his hair back off his forehead..

“Why did you let Izumi stay? Weren’t you the one who told me to keep a distance?”

“Now don’t get me wrong..”

He could hear Kiichi letting out a deep sigh.

“I too thought it was a bad idea, but the boy insisted he wanted to do this. I couldn’t change his mind. But you needn’t worry. As long as you set your boundary, Izumi will eventually understand. I think he already understands anyway. He just couldn’t resist the urge to do something for you when he heard you fell ill.”

“Does he care about me that much?”

Reiji blurted out, and soon was shocked at his own question. Why on earth did he say such a thing!?!

“I mean... I just thought he’d hate me after all the things I’ve done..”

“Oh, Reiji..”

Kiichi stared at him in disbelief.

“I never thought my own brother could be so dense. It’s just impossible for Izumi to hate you, even if you’re such a nasty person sometimes. Hasn’t that ever occurred to you?”

They looked at each other in silence.

“I know you think you can’t accept his feelings, but honour them at least. No matter how I see it, what Izumi feels for you is genuine love. You should have known better.”  
  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written and translated by Ninkisakka

  
  
  
It was the middle of the night, and once again Izumi still could not go to sleep. After tossing and turning, he finally got up and walked out of the bedroom..

Reiji had recovered and he looked well when Izumi saw him before dinner, so there was no need to check on him like he had done many nights before. Kiichi told him he would let Reiji go back to work tomorrow. He too would have to return home to his parents. That meant his duty to look after Reiji had finally come to an end, as well as the time he could be with the man he loved.

Izumi looked up to the midnight blue sky. It was a clear night so he could see some stars shining from far away...

Time did fly. He still remembered the first time he visited the Aoe mansion. Then he was just a vulnerable and angst-ridden adolescent who did not know how to cope with loss and anguish. But with Kiichi's kindness and patience, he had learned to bounce back, look ahead and appreciate what the future had in store for him. He began to do something about his life, set goals for himself, and worked hard to achieve them. It was indeed the right decision to take Kiichi's advice because so far he had accomplished everything that he wanted.

He managed to graduate with good marks. He got accepted to one of the most prestigious universities abroad to further his study. He had returned to Japan with success and made everyone proud of him. He also hoped his application to become a junior lecturer at the university where he used to study would be successful..

Izumi wondered what would the future bring. Over the past few years, he had grown so much in a way he had never imagined, but certain things remained the same. Takamiya was still an important part of his life. It could have been his imagination, but it was as if Takamiya had never really left him. He always felt the man's presence especially when he was downhearted or discouraged, and it just lifted him up.

Another thing that had not been changed, and he doubted if it ever would, was how he felt about Reiji.

Despite so many disappointments and heartaches, he still could not run away from what his heart had been pining for. Izumi wanted Reiji not because he simply needed to have someone taking Takamiya's place, but because he genuinely loved him. He loved Reiji when he was cold, distant, and furious as much as when the man was warm and approachable. There was nothing about Reiji that could damp down his feelings, even at times his heart was on the verge of breaking.

A sad smile appeared on the young man's face..

He knew he would always care for that man. He would forever hold Reiji so dear in his heart. And although his dreams would never come true, at least he had the courage to love again.  
  
  
  
  
"Kiichi.."

Haruomi cuddled up close to his lover, whispering.

"You're brooding."

He slowly took off Kiichi's spectacles for him, and put them on the bedside table.

"Tell me, what's bothering you?"

"Well, you know..."

Kiichi paused.

"You're still worried about Reiji and Izumi?"

"Yes."

The doctor sighed and closed his eyes..

"I might be the one hurting them both after all.."

"I don't understand why you keep blaming yourself.."

"But I am the one who brought Izumi and Reiji closer again. I should have said no when Izumi asked me to stay. I thought it would make him happy, but in the end, it was just like before. How I hate to see the boy suffer.."

"I would not regret allowing him to stay if I were you."

"Wouldn't you?"

"No."

Haruomi gently caressed Kiichi's arm.

"It was right to let him follow his heart. He would suffer more if you did not allow him to stay. Izumi just wanted to be with Reiji. I know you're very protective of him, but that boy is stronger than you think. Just let them take care of each other.."

"You said as if they were a couple already, Haruomi."

"Well, that's not what I'm saying. But it's so obvious that Izumi really cares for him, and Reiji doesn't seem to mind having him around too. You know how your brother hates to be pampered. He thinks it's only for the weak and is a form of pity. But somehow he let Izumi nurse him when he was most vulnerable. Doesn't that mean something?"

Kiichi listened silently...

"Just be patient and don't worry too much. Everything needs time to grow. Like flowers in our garden, you may have never noticed their buds until one day they have come into bloom.."

"Oh, Haruomi.."

Kiichi softly exclaimed, "I never thought someone like you could speak so poetically.."

"Only when I'm with you, I suppose."

Haruomi drew him even closer.

"I know you love Reiji. But you've done all you can and now you need to let go. Let him take his time.."

He pressed his lips on the doctor's collarbone so gently..

"Also, please don't forget that you're not only Reiji's brother but also my lover. When we're all alone, I need your undivided attention. And when the morning comes I'll always be there with you, easing all your worries the best I can."

Kiichi gazed at him, and Haruomi could see nothing but love shining through.

"You said I'm your lover, but to me, you're my soul."

Kiichi whispered, nibbling his ear..

"How can I ever neglect you when you're the only one who holds my heart?"  
  
  
  
  
_'So that day when you rushed to support him as he was about to trip over the hem of his hakama, it was just a kind act?'_

_'You still have no idea what I'm talking about? Let's imagine, what if one day Izumi disappeared from your life, or fell for someone else instead of you? Wouldn't you feel something missing?'_

_'In this life we don't get the second chance of finding love so easily, but here the third chance is right before you. It's just a shame you can't see its value at all.'_

Reiji kept thinking about what Kiichi had said to him a few months ago. He did not want to listen then, but surprisingly he remembered it word by word..

Would it really be possible for a heart that has been wounded by loss so many times to believe in love again?

How did you do it, Izumi?

Reiji wished he could ask him.

How could you manage to walk into my heart without hurting the part that was still tender?

_'So you now belong to me, and I demand you come to me right this minute!'_

He still remembered the night when they met at the party and how he lost his cool. Then he thought it was purely because of anger. But looking back, perhaps the feelings that caused such outburst were much more complicated..

What made a private man like him say such a thing in front of so many people?

Reiji quietly left his bedroom. He would have brought his cigarettes along had he not been asked by Kiichi not to smoke for a while. So all he took was a wool blanket because it was so bitterly cold outside.

As he wrapped the blanket around himself, the memory of someone doing the same thing for him on the night of New Year's Eve a couple of years ago suddenly came back to him.

That unexpected embrace...

That night was darker and colder. He was surprised to learn he has remembered so much..

_'I think moving on and giving yourself a fresh start doesn't mean you forget about someone you cherish in your memories. Takamiya-san's still here with me in my heart no matter what I do, and I'm sure he must be proud to see me get stronger each day.'_

Soon he found himself walking along the corridor, leading to where they stood together that starless night.

_'He's still here in my heart. I won't ever forget him, but that doesn't mean I can never love again, Aoe-san.'_

_'Even if my feelings have to live in Naoya's shadow forever, they still won't change'_

He thought what Izumi spoke to him did not matter at all, but how come every word stayed fresh in his memory? True, he tried not to think about it, but he could never forget it either..

_'I want you, Aoe-san. I still do and always will.'_

Reiji thought about Naoya..

Would it be all right, Naoya? If I...

_'I want to take care of you, Aoe-san'_

If I...

Reiji looked up at the sky, wondering if he would be able to go to sleep tonight. So much was going on in his mind...

**Would it be all right, Naoya? If I love someone again?**

The man stood there for a long time. Soon he convinced himself he should go back to his room, for there was no use thinking. The answer would not come so easily.

But as he began walking, instead of returning to the western wing of the mansion, he headed towards the opposite direction aimlessly. He simply did not want to sleep tonight.  
  
  
  
  
Izumi could feel his own tears. They were so cold..

He had been sitting outside in the garden for almost an hour already, wishing he could stop time and this night will stay for eternity. For when the morning came, he would have to face the cruel reality that there would be no more reasons for him to stay near Reiji. It was really the time to accept this truth.. that the man could never return his feelings.

_Takamiya-san, how I wish you were here.._

Izumi thought, looking afar through the darkness and his fog of tears.

_I know I have always been so selfish, taking your love for granted and hurting your feelings. Even now that I am struggling with the feelings I should have given to no other but you, I still cry for you to help me out. But I really wish you could be next to me now to hold my hand and tell me everything would be fine.._

Izumi bursted into tears, holding himself tight.

 _Tell me this heartache would eventually subside. Tell me there would be the day someone loves me again, even if he's not Aoe-san.._  
  
  
  
  
Reiji stood still in silence.

".........."

His heartbeat quickened as he thought about Kiichi..

_'There's no use being polite or kind to him if you only do it for my sake. You know so well how that boy feels about you. So if you don't care about him, at least stop misleading him..'_

_'All I know is you have to draw the line, Reiji. This half-hearted kindness will only hurt him more and more.'_

Even though it was dark, he could never mistake Izumi for someone else. How long had the young man been sitting here in the cold, he wondered.

Reiji had the choice to either turn his back on him to maintain distance, so he would not mislead him as Kiichi had hurtfully put.

Or he could go to him, tell him he should not be sitting here when it was freezing outside. That, however, would mean he cares about Izumi not as only his best friend's former lover, not only as his brother's cherished young friend but as someone he wants to stay by his side... always.

No more half-hearted kindness. No more playing the victim role. No more excuses. He could no longer run away. It was time, to be honest, and choose...  
  
  
  
  
Izumi's fingers started to go numb because of the cold. And as he rubbed his hands together to warm them up, he felt something soft and warm on his back..

A wool blanket?

"Sensei.."

He quickly wiped his tears. It must be Kiichi who came looking for him.

"I'm sorry. I...."

But when Izumi looked up and see who that was, he paused.

".........."

Reiji was gazing at him.

"What are you doing here in the cold?"

Izumi turned away.

How long must he be tested and tried with this agony? Each time Reiji appeared he wanted to go on loving him despite his broken heart, but he knew it would not work. Reiji could offer him anything but the only thing he had ever wanted.

So he must not let his heart be stirred by emotions..

"I don't feel like sleeping."

Izumi replied softly without looking at him.

"What about you, Aoe-san? You should stay in since you've only recovered from the flu."

"I don't feel like sleeping too."

Said Reiji as he sat down next to him, wrapping the blanket around Izumi properly.

".........."

For a few seconds Izumi looked at him, and Reiji could see a glimpse of fear and pain in his eyes.

_Why are you doing this to me?_

_Are you here to give me hope only to reject me once more?_

But those questions remain unspoken.

"Aoe-san, you should take the blanket. Sensei will be worried if you fall ill again."

Izumi wanted to give it back to Reiji.

"What about you? If you catch a cold, my brother will also be worried."

"I'm fine, really."

"How stubborn you are, Izumi."

Reiji sighed.

"If it bothers you so much, let's do it like this then."

Reiji moved closer until their bodies touched, and this time wrapped the wool blanket around their shoulders.

".........."

The warmth from Reiji's body and the mild fragrance of his aftershave caused Izumi so much pain. Tears started to brim his eyes.

**How long do you intend to cruelly confine me, knowing well I'm too feeble to run away?**

The young man bit his lips, stopping himself from sobbing. He wanted to get up and walk away. He honestly did, but he just could not gather the strength to do so.

"Izumi.."

Reiji said his name when he noticed he tried to hide his face.

"What's the matter?"

"Oh, Aoe-san!"

He cried in anguish, not caring anymore if Reiji would see his tears.

"Please.. just go to bed. Don't stay here with me. Don't be so unkind. I beg you.."

"I want to be the one leaving but I'm not that strong. You've no idea how painful it is to be in my shoes. If you could never love me, please leave me alone.."

"Izumi, listen.."

Reiji tried to hold his face but Izumi quickly turned away. He tried to fight Reiji's touch for some time, but eventually, it was in vain. The love he felt for this man was far stronger than his determination to stay away.

Reiji wiped his tears.

"Please don't go. I'd be so disappointed if you refused to stay because there's so much I want to talk to you."

His voice was gentle but firm.

"First, for all the pain I've caused you and the terrible things I've said, I apologise."

".........."

Izumi let out another sob.

"What are you saying, Aoe-san?"

He was so scared of getting hurt by this man again...

"You don't need to come this far just to apologise. You know I could never be angry with you."

Yet, his idiotic heart was overjoyed to hear what he had just heard, and foolishly seemed to forget all he had been through. A few words showing that he cared might be powerful enough to nurture this love for another hundred years..

Izumi managed a smile through his tears. He knew he was being extremely stupid, and from now on he could never run to Kiichi asking for comfort. But perhaps it was all right to love even if and he would never be loved in return..

As long as he could give a little happiness to this man, he wanted to stay.

"I should apologise too. I've done so many terrible things."

Reiji looked at that tear-stained face. Out of the blue, the answer he had been trying to figure out became crystal clear..

"No, Izumi."

Indeed, it was him who had been so foolish and blind...

"Every little thing you've done for me... I think it's wonderful."

This young man had lost and been hurt just like him. Still, he was strong enough to live life without fear. Unlike him, Izumi never ran away.. even when he knew he would risk another disappointment, another heartbreak, or another love pain.

For the very first time, Reiji mustered his courage to look into those eyes he had always tried to avoid.

".........."

Then he knew he had made the right decision. It was not a mistake to come to Izumi tonight. What he saw in Izumi's eyes reflected the feelings he had hidden deep within his heart.

Izumi was the mirror of his soul. First, he feared him because this young man could see him through. But as years had gone by, fear was replaced with other feelings. Now he wanted to show Izumi his every wound and weakness. He was no longer afraid of falling apart or losing control because Izumi would be the one to put him back together and help him through.

Reiji took Izumi's hand in his.

If only I could find the right word to tell you how I feel...  
  
  
  
  
There was a long silence between them, and Izumi could only hear the sound of his own heartbeat. His hand in Reiji's had become so warm.. as well as his heart.

"Izumi..," Reiji finally spoke.

"In many ways I'm a broken man who hasn't yet fully recovered. What happened in the past haunts me from time to time, and it must have really hurt you when I pushed you away."

"After all I've put you through, this question might be too late now. But I really want to know if you still feel the same about me."

Despite the cold, Izumi could feel his cheeks burn.

"What.. what do you mean?"

He stammered a bit, feeling Reiji's hand was squeezing his hand lightly. The boldness he used to possess disappeared when Reiji looked at him this way.

"I mean the thing you told me that New Year's Eve night, the night you came to say goodbye before going to further your study abroad, and of course.. the night you waited for me by the River Thames. Or could it be that you've forgotten all about them?"

"Aoe-san, there's no way I can forget those moments."

Izumi whispered.

"So I presume you still remember how I once told you I'm just a damaged person who will only wear you down."

"That I remember too but.."

His eyes met Reiji's.

"I still haven't changed my mind about you."

Reiji's heart skipped a beat.

The void inside him which he once believed could never be filled, now seemed much smaller than he first thought.

"Aoe-san, I don't know why you're being so hard on yourself. It's true you've gone through a lot in life, and there are times you were being really nasty to me. But I always believe deep down inside you're not any less kind and tender than someone like sensei. You just have a subtler way to show people that you care."

"And even if you're damaged, I'm not going to give up on you because of that. A part of me was once broken too, but instead of living in loneliness, fearing I might burden others with my own sorrow, I gave myself a chance to open up to sensei. He helped me find my way again and I'm forever thankful for that. So perhaps if you could let someone... if you could let me in, I might be able to help you like how sensei had once helped me."

"But I don't want you to suffer with me.."

"It suffers me more to see you suffer alone."

Izumi replied, looking at him pleadingly.

"Aoe-san, please believe in yourself. You've got so much love to give. You're not beyond repair. You're much stronger than you think you are."  
  
  
  
  
"Well, if you have so much faith in me, then.."

Reiji said after a long pause..

"I hope it's all right for me to be selfish, and ask you to always be next to me."

".........."

"What will your reply be, Sakashita Izumi?"

".........."

Once again, Izumi's eyes were fogged with tears. He stared at Reiji as if he was dreaming.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to say this. But now I know I really want to be with you."

Reiji cupped his face in his hands gently.

"Your silence scares me, Izumi. Say something."

"Aoe-san.."

Izumi's voice shook, "Does this mean you've finally let me love you?"

"No.", he smiled faintly.

"It means I'm asking you to love me."

"And I also beg you to be patient with me. Please forgive me if Naoya still has a strong presence in my life. To be completely honest, I still love him the most. But at least I've learned to let go and eventually let something new bloom in my heart."

"I understand, Aoe-san."

Izumi said softly, "But do we really have to stop loving one person so we can love another? I think a human's heart is much more generous than that."

"I'm not here to replace Naoya or trying to be what he is to you. I just want to have a place of my own in your heart, somewhere which has never belonged to anyone before."

He wiped his own tears with the back of his hand.

"I too won't ever compare you with Takamiya-san. We all are special in our own way. It's no use thinking about the difference between two individuals because we all are meant to be different. I take you as you are, Aoe-san. So please take me as I am."

"And it doesn't matter if you still love him, as long as you let me be the one for you... here and now."

"Always."

Reiji added, drawing Izumi even closer.

"Not just here and now, but always..."

".........."

Deeply touched by those words, tears began to stream down Izumi's face again.

"Please don't cry anymore."

Reiji whispered, tightening his embrace.

"Aoe-san.."

Izumi asked as he snuggled up close..

"If I waited patiently, do you think you'd change your mind?"

"Change my mind?"

"Perhaps one day I could be the person you love the most.."

"The only way to find the answer is to stay with me forever and do your best to convince me."

"..........."

"Don't you think so?"

Izumi looked up and saw Reiji smile at him so lovingly.  
  
  
  
  
"Aoe-san.."

Neither of them could feel the cold now. Sitting so close together like this, it was so warm..

"Will you come to visit Takamiya-san with me someday?"

"Of course."

He needed to thank his best friend for letting him have and hold this precious person in his arms..

"Will you still be mad at me the next time I can't get hassetsu right?"

"I think so, and I'll keep training you until you can master it."

Izumi wanted to protest, but as soon as he realised how close their faces were, he tilted his head away from Reiji slightly.

"Why are you turning away?"

He touched Izumi's chin gently and made him look at him again. Although it was dark, Reiji could see those cheeks had turned crimson.

"Where's that bold Izumi who once dared snatch cigarette from my lips because he wanted to have a kiss?"

"Please don't remind me of such an embarrassing thing!"

Izumi cried and cast down his eyes. He did not know what to do when Reiji looked at him like this. The man's eyes were playful yet so intense.

"Embarrassing? I don't think so. I remember you've enjoyed violating me a couple of times whenever nobody was around. Since then I was pretty scared whenever we were all alone, to be honest."

Reiji lowered his voice.

"Deep down, I've always been scared if you tried to kiss me again, I wouldn't be able to hold back anymore."

Izumi could feel Reiji's hot lips brushing his ears..

"So now brace yourself for my revenge and your own punishment.."  
  
  
  
  
But Reiji kissed him so tenderly.

".........."

When their lips finally parted, the warmth from Reiji's lips still lingered on his. Izumi was still in a daze.

The heartache he had suffered for almost four years had finally turned into this incredible sweetness. The moment Reiji took him in his arms it was pure bliss. Someone please tell him again this was not a dream..

"Aoe-san.."

The young man murmured, hiding his face against Reiji's broad chest.

"Come to think of it.."

He whispered, "Officially there are more than one 'Aoe-san' in my family. So to make sure it's the right person, from now on shouldn't you address me by my first name? That way people wouldn't be confused about which Aoe-san you belong to."

Izumi's heart fluttered and nearly burst with happiness..

"But.."

He stammered, "Wouldn't that be impolite?"

"Izumi, after what we just did, don't you think there should be no more formality between us?"

Reiji spoke low, and leaned closer till Izumi could feel his warm breath on his cheek..

"Or must I kiss you all night to make it clear to you?"

"Aoe-san!"

"Excuse me?"

"I mean..."

How Izumi wished Reiji could not see his face now..

"I mean.. Reiji-san."

Because he must be blushing so badly, and that would certainly give his feelings away.

"Oh, Izumi.."

Reiji squeezed him tight..

"The more you shy away, the more I have the urge to kiss you again."

".........."

Once more their lips touched, and this time the kiss lasted for eternity.  
  
  
  
  
Tomorrow he would have so much to tell his brother. Reiji thought as they sat embracing each other in silence.

_Time will heal your heart.._

_Time will make you love again.._

Now I shall surrender and gladly accept my defeat. I really hate to say this, but yes, Kiichi, you're right.  
  
  
::: To Be Continued in Midnight Blue Sequel :::::::

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ninkisakka's Notes:  
> These 14 chapters you have read were originally titled 'Angst' and this is where the whole story was supposed to end. But some people suggested the happy moments for Reiji and Izumi were so brief and I too was not satisfied with what I had written, so I wrote its sequel which is the real "Midnight Blue".
> 
> The sequel will explore further on romantic relationship between the two. Has Reiji really let go? Did he accept Izumi because he really care for him, or simply because he wanted to have someone to relieve loneliness? Can Izumi really accept that Naoya was still so important to Reiji? Will they ever be truly happy together? The answers to these questions can be found in Midnight Blue sequel. As you can see, there are so many issues remain unresolved. And although Reiji has finally admitted his feelings for Izumi, he would still continue to be an idiot a tough nut to crack in many ways.
> 
> I hope you have enjoyed the story. Knowing my writing is far from perfect, I am really surprised and overwhelmed to learn that quite a few readers are interested and giving support. I would have given up translating long time ago had you all not been so encouraging. Every comment gives me the strenght to carry on and finally I have completed the first part of this fan fiction series. So thank you ever so much for your kindness and for putting up with my inconsistency. I hardly had the chance to reply to your comments, but I am always thankful for them. You know who you are.
> 
> I may disappear once in a while, but you have my words I will continue to translate till the end. Once again, thank you for reading and for allowing me to share this work with you. Last but not least, I wish all of you happiness and success in love not only on Valentine's Day but always. (February 15, 2007)
> 
> Note from Aya_k:  
> Ninkisakka did write a sequel and it is posted their Blogspot account. But the files lead to broken links.


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